led.

[ if you could do it, i suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line - starting, say, in the Dark Wood of Error, and proceeding by logical steps through Hell and Purgatory and into Heaven. or you could take the King's Highway past appropriately named dangers, toils, and snares, and finally cross the River of Death and enter the Celestial City. but that is not the way i have done it, so far. i am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or a doubling back. i have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. i have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but not always in that order. the names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but i have seen them only in looking back. often i have not known where i was going until i was already there. i have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or i have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. often i have received better than i have deserved. often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. i am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. and yet for a long time, looking back, i have been unable to shake off the feeling that i have been led, make of that what you will. ]

- Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

a thought of a poem.

_it feels like everything is over.

_it is

and _ it has only begun.

_ emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

_ hope is quiet.

_ pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

_ both are signs of life and health.

_ God speaks.

_ i listen.

and _ i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

_ i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.

sometimes sometimes is always.

[sometimes it feels like everything is over.

sometimes it is

and sometimes it has only begun.

sometimes emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

sometimes hope is quiet.

sometimes pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

sometimes both are signs of life and health.

sometimes God speaks.

sometimes i listen.

and sometimes i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

sometimes i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.]

solidarity.

[ Many Haitians expect to be let down. History shows they are right to feel that way. Haitians know that they have been wronged many, many times. What we are seeing on the news right now is more than a natural disaster. This earthquake has torn away the veil and revealed the crushing poverty that has been allowed by the west's centuries of disregard. That we must respond with a substantial emergency effort is beyond argument, but in the aftermath, Haiti must be rebuilt.

Ultimately, we need to treat Haiti with compassion and respect and make sure that the country gets back on its feet once and for all. Haiti's independence from France more than two centuries ago should be thought of as one of the most remarkable tales of freedom; instead, she was brought to her knees by the French and forced to pay a debt for the value of the lost colony (including the value of the slaves: the equivalent of $21bn by current calculations). We cannot overestimate the strength and resilience of the brave people living in this country whose ancestors had to buy their own bodies back.

The west has funded truly corrupt governments in the past.

Right now, in Haiti, there is a democratically elected government.

Impossibly weak, but standing.

This is the moment where we need to show our best support and solidarity. ]

this is an excerpt from an article written by Régine Chassagne.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/17/haiti-earthquake-aid-casualties

[ ]

i have tried to be faithful to you, who support me, who think often or ever of me, who have prayed once or daily, who have given of yourselves and of your resources. i have tried to be faithful to my calling and to my God. but today, and also the many days that have lead to it, i must confess that i have been afraid, perhaps, that what i really wanted was your thoughts and your prayers and your resources, for myself, hurting and broken as i am. and i know that there is still an ounce or more of pride residing somewhere deep within me, but as i have watched what bits and pieces of the news that i could handle, and as i have read here and there from the sea of words being written at this time concerning this great tragedy, i have thought, over and over again, why must it always be about me?

i am thankful for your love. i am thankful for your concern and your compassion and the prayers and words that flow from them. i am thankful for my life. but my life is not my own. it has been given so that it may be given again, and i confess that this is where i am not doing that well today. i arrived home, to safety and security, on friday afternoon, and i have wrestled daily and most hourly with the decision that brought me here. i believe in and trust completely the sovereignty of the Holy God who has given me life and preserved it. i suppose that now my struggle is not so much one of faith as it is a struggle with my own devices, with my thoughts and my feelings; it is, i imagine, the great struggle with the tension between losing my life and saving it. i confess that today, and now for many days, i do not imagine much worth saving. i went to Haiti because i believed that i should give up my life for the Gospel, for Love and for Hope and for Peace. and there came a moment when it appeared my life might be in danger. and so i, among so many others, left the place in which i had only so recently began to embrace that struggle of losing life, and had begun to see so much Light, so much Hope, and feel so much Life.

by now, i imagine that there is very little that i can tell you about the earthquake that you do not already know. the news has been very thorough, and while i do not trust the establishment press and their motives, the facts, for the most part, remain the same. and with regards to the story beneath the facts, i am not sure that i can tell to begin with. for the most part, i would only like to say that it is probably worse than they or i can make it out to be. it will probably take longer, and the toll will be greater. as i have thought often, it seems that the worst became worse. and so i ask you to consider and invest in the future.

i do not wish to add my opinions and sentiments to the doublespeak. if i am to write, i wish always to be honest in my writing. if i am to speak, i wish to speak the truth. as i have read over these past few days, it seems that perhaps it is not possible to speak or write honestly at a time such as this. perhaps emotions and motives are simply too strong. and perhaps it is in times such as these that the true heart of man emerges.

i do not know what to say. what i wish to say, i do not know how. and in honesty, i do not feel like going over the events again in my head and in my heart to try to write them down. right now, i feel that perhaps that the only thing i have worth writing has already been written, and perhaps it is the most honest i can be.

___________________________________________________

[ january 12,

this afternoon just before 4, we left to take the boys on a walk. we had gone up to the plateau and over to the green bridge and were walking down the dirt road that leads to Guitton. the ground began to rumble for a few seconds, long enough to realize and wonder at, and then began to shake violently. it seemed as if everything was moving several feet in every direction. even thinking about it now, it is so surreal. i never would have imagined experiencing an earthquake. and not in Haiti.

we are fine. everything and everyone at the mission is fine. we have some minor damage and had some minor injuries. but it could have been so much worse. and now all that i can really do is hope that there is something that i can do.

who knows what this will mean for us. who knows how it may change things. but for the people of Haiti, things have changed. life just got harder. and if ever there was a need for hope, and a need for light to shine, it is now. God give us Light. ]

[ january 15,

what should someone think during a time like this? how should someone feel? there are too many thoughts. there are too many feelings. i think that i feel that i don't want to think or feel. i would like to sit. i would like to be quiet. i would like to be still.

the devastation brought on by this earthquake is not only physical. some people seem to be hoping that this will be that thing that causes Haiti to hit rock bottom, and that, as we all know, sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so that we might see more clearly, perhaps. really, they say, or think, so that we might see Jesus, or realize our need for Him. maybe they are too evangelical and i should have no such hope. maybe i am still too cynical and such hope is all that i have.

but again, i don't know what to think. and at the moment i see little use in speculating and theorizing and theologizing. i know only what i have seen and heard. i know that a lot of things have been destroyed. i know that a lot of people have died and lot more are wounded. i know that Haiti's government, which never before truly intended to help the Haitian people, is badly wounded. i know that Haiti is very discouraged, very afraid, very sad. i know that if Haiti can recover it will take a very long time and will be a very difficult process.

i am sad. i am sad that many people lost their lives, that many people lost their family and friends. i am sad that many people have lost their home, their houses and their cities. i am sad that many people have lost their work. i am sad that so many people are suffering, that they have no response but sadness. they are afraid, and it seems as thought they should be. they are worried, and why wouldn't they be? they have no hope, and why would they? the worst has become worse.

___________________________________________________

God have mercy! Lord, make haste to help me. i don't know where i am. i don't know what i am doing. i don't know what You are doing. i am lost. i am confused. i am afraid. is my world also crumbling? where do i go? how do i rebuild? refugee? pilgrim? wanderer?

___________________________________________________

three days ago i was praising God for His mercy. having been wracked with grief as i returned to Haiti, my soul was overflowing with praise for the peace which He had given me. i was thanking Him for the faith which He had given, that He is my life, that He would sustain me, that i could make it. and i was thanking Him for the new sight that i had received, that i had truly begun to live in His light. ]

[ january 16,

i don't understand all of this. my heart cannot understand. and there is nothing that can ease the sadness. the pain is real, it is great, and its effects are lasting. i don't want to think about it too much. but i absolutely do not want to think about it too little. i do not want to forget.

Father, i know that You are good. You are Love, and Love does not fail, it does not cease. You have not forgotten Haiti, and You have not stopped loving them. You have not forgotten me, and You have not stopped loving me. You know exactly where we are. You know exactly where we will go.

i feel helpless. i feel like there is nothing i can do. perhaps there is nothing that i can do. but i will trust You. i will seek You. and i will pray.

[ for they could not have done anything

unless His wisdom had permitted it,

and He could not suffer except that in His mercy

He willed it.

they chose you

that they might carry out their evil deeds;

He chose you

that He might fulfill the work of goodness.

they that by you

they might hand over the righteous to death;

He that through you

He might save sinners from death.

they that they might kill life;

He that He might destroy death. ]

- from St. Anselm's

Prayer to the Holy Cross

God, help me. without You, i cannot make it through this. what can i do? what should i do? please show me, Merciful God. please hold me together in Your grace, in Your peace, and in Your mercy. wrap me in Your protection, that evil would not get to me. hide me in Your faithfulness and in Your hope. cover me with love. protect me from frustration, from discouragement, from anger, and from judgment.

O God, have mercy on me!

i know that You have a plan, for me, for Jay and Diana and Jeremy, for Lespwa, for Haiti. i don't know why all of this has happened. i don't know why i have come home. but whether it was Your will or not, it has happened. whether it was best or not, i am home. and i trust that You did not forget me, that even now Your hand is upon me. even now as i feel so close to the edge of despair, You are leading me. and wherever You lead, O God, i will follow. ]

reading that again, and writing it down, i see how much it has been about me. it has always been about me, and, i suppose, in some very real way, will always be about me. and i suppose that my sorrow comes not so much from what is happening in Haiti, because, in reality, it has always been happening, and will continue, not only in Haiti, but all over the world. i know that God is God, that He is Light, that He is Love. i know that there is Hope. i know that those who are His will be saved. tragically, those who are not will perish. but the suffering we see in the physical pales next to the suffering that exists in the spiritual. and i am not sad because people are sick or hungry or homeless. i am sad because people are spiritually dead and dying. and i am grieving because once again, i feel the distance between my beliefs and my own living.

i want to be in Haiti. i want to return soon. i hope to return soon. but i know and believe that i do not need to go to Haiti to lose my life, and to find it. i do not need to go to Haiti to be a light. i do not need to go to Haiti to follow Christ and to serve the Gospel. perhaps all i can do is stay where i am. perhaps all i can do is become more. perhaps all i can do is have faith, and pray.

i want to help. and i know that many of you do to. unfortunately, i do not have many suggestions for how you might do that. my first, however, is to wait, and to pray. the relief effort in Haiti is important. i believe that it is already well-funded. but i believe that there will come a time when the relief effort is over, and life in Haiti will try to go on. and i believe that time will be one of desperate need. i am not suggesting to do nothing now. i am only suggesting that then is just as important.

[ Lord, give me the courage to look at myself,

the honesty to admit my faults and limitations,

the sincerity to try self-improvement,

and the love for You that will keep me at it

for the rest of my life.

let me not be concerned about matters that are

beyond my control,

except to petition Your help.

for the rest, let me really live the words:

"Thy will be done."

Amen. ]

i do ask your prayers. the orphanage that we left is run by a Haitian couple name Joseph and Madamn Menos, as well as by Pastor Charles wife. i trust that they are being cared for. and though our mission escaped the devastation of Port Au Prince and many other areas, our family there will not escape the effects. we know that there are many in our village who have lost homes and are likely sleeping at the mission. much of Charles' family is now living at the mission. food, water, and fuel shortages are likely, and so i ask your prayers for provision and protection. and i ask your prayers for hope.

i also ask your prayers for myself. i am asking that God will give me faith, but also that He will return me to Haiti. i am asking that He will guide me patiently and calmly through the process of returning and, should i not return, through the sorrow of staying. and i am asking, as i imagine we all are, that He would use this season to draw men to Himself, myself not excluded.

thank you for your love and for your prayers.

may we give ourselves to God.

earthquake.

as you may have already heard, Haiti was hit by a major earthquake this afternoon. even now, almost 8 hours later, the earth is still frequently shaking beneath us.

when the earthquake hit, my teammates and i, along with members of a visiting short-term team, were on a walk through the village with the boys from the orphanage. we were on the major dirt road which leads out of the hills to a village nearby. after the ground stopped moving, we gathered the boys and immediately began making our way back to the mission campus. the realization that things may quickly lose control was immediate. as we walked the mile or so back, the realization of the effect of the earthquake was slow. we saw damage to almost every house in some form or another.

we are safe. our buildings and people here at the mission are safe. we are north of port au prince and must not have been hit as bad. but there is still damage. in the village, our friend Tiwil said that the village is worse than after the flood last year. the flood almost wiped the village out.

we are eagerly awaiting the morning. we do not know what tomorrow will hold. we do not know how bad our country is. and we do not know what our response will be.

please pray. pray for peace in the hearts of the Haitian people, our friends, our neighbors, our brothers and sisters. please pray that they will not become angry with God. pray that they will turn to one another, that they will take the opportunity to help rather than to hurt. pray that God will provide. the entire nation is dependent on Port Au Prince, which may be lying in shambles. and pray for us, for wisdom, for patience, for strength, and for Light.

in Your light we see light.

[the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.  many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

the Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them shall be desolate.

say unto my soul, I am thy salvation.

in Thy light shall we see light.

those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.

the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. 

mark the perfect man, and behold the upright; for the end of that man is peace.  

Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that i may know how frail i am.  

hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not Thy peace at my tears: for i am a stranger with Thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. 

I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: Thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.  

O send out Thy light and Thy truth: let them lead me: let them bring me unto Thy holy hill, and to Thy presence.

be still, and know that i am God.  

make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which Thou hast broken may rejoice.  

restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation.

the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.]

                                                                -excerpts from Psalms 34-51

[the man of simple intention works in an atmosphere of prayer: that is to say he is recollected.  his spiritual reserves are not all poured out into his work, but stored where they belong, in the depths of his being, with his God.  he is detached from his work and from its results.  only a man who works purely for God can at the same time do a very good job and leave the results of the job to God alone.  if our intention is less than simple, we may do a very good job, but in doing so we will become involved in the hope of results that will satisfy ourselves.  

a simple intention rests in god while accomplishing all things.  it takes account of particular ends in order to achieve them for Him: but it does not rest in them.

the end of a simple intention is to work in God and with Him - to sink deep roots into the soil of His will and to grow there in whatever weather he may bring.]

                                                          - Thomas Merton, no man is an island

[my Lord God, i have no idea where i am going.

i do not see the road ahead of me.  i cannot know for certain where it will end.  nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think i am following Your will does not mean that i am actually doing so.  but i believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You.  and i hope that i have that desire in all that i am doing.  i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire.  and i know that, if i do this, You will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it.  therefore i will trust You always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.  i will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.]

                                                       -Thomas Merton, thoughts in solitude

i do not know how to say what i wish to say.  i do not know how to explain all that these past few days have held for me.  i cannot express how broken i am.  and i cannot express how much joy i have.

i am not happy.  i did not want to get on the plane wednesday morning.  the day i left haiti for home, i knew i would not want to return.  and yet i was pretty certain that i would return.  and i have, because God has made it clear that i should do so.  He has made it clear that it is still good for me to be here.  and though i believed Him, and still do, most of me wished that it were not so.  i suspected that returning would be more difficult than my initial coming, that these next few weeks and months would be more difficult than the previous three.  so far, my suspicions have been confirmed.

i am not happy, because i miss my family.  i miss many people that i love.  i miss my dogs.  i miss the comfort of my home, the familiarity of all that i have known.  i miss the life that was mine, and i do not want to give it up.  and there is a great beast inside of me grasping with its big claws.  

on the plane, in the car on the road to messailler, all that first night and in to the next morning, i cannot explain to you the pain and the sorrow and the sadness and the fear that i felt.  i believe that i can say that i have never experienced such a thing.  and immediately, in those first few hours and days, my sorrow was confounded.  haiti is hard, and i could not take it.  

but i have.  God has sustained me.  and not only that, He has blessed me richly.  He has blessed me with the joy of His presence.  He has blessed me with the promises of His life.  He has blessed me with encouraging words and signs and hopes.  

a team of seven gentlemen and one lone lady came yesterday from north carolina.  they came to work, and to be here with their love.  they came here, i believe, because God sent them for me and for us.  we have talked.  they are wonderful people, i believe true brothers and a true sister.  and they have spoken so much truth, and listened so lovingly to our feeble words.  and through them, i have seen the hope of this faith that i have.  the hope of God's promises.  the hope that my life is hidden in Him, and yet He is drawing me into it.

and it is in death that we find eternal life.  

[God-willing]

 

a prayer for life.

Father, i know that this is good.

i know that You have given me life,

     that You are leading me to life.  

grant me silence, O God,

     and stillness.

not only have You promised peace,

     but You have given peace.

grant that i might rest there with You.

give me my daily bread, Father.