autumn life

it is easy to forget that this is a story, that God has a plan, that something is happening here, that there will be a climax.  there is resolution.

there is reason to hope.  every day.  every moment.  every thought.  we have something to hope in, someone to hope in.  true Hope.

i guess that there has been a lot going on lately.  a lot has changed in these past few weeks.  it seems that my life here is completely different. and with all of these changes i have been greatly encouraged.  i have felt great peace.  i know that God has been sustaining me in these days. He has been strengthening me.  but i also need work.  i need practice.  i do not yet have the foundation of inner solitude and peace.  i do not yet live completely out of faith and hope and love.  

i need rest.  

i need quiet.  

i need space.  

i need solitude.

i need to be able to think, to read, to meditate, to pray.  i need to be still and quiet without interruptions, without distractions.  i need order in my life.  i need discipline.  i want discipline!  i want order.  i want stillness and quiet.  i want to live in the Presence of God.  i want to love people, but i want to Love God!  i want to live for Him alone, to be captivated by Him, to be filled with the fullest delight, to be enamored by His beauty, His radiance, His glory.

it is still hot today, but something feels like autumn.  the color of the sky seems new.  the shade seems cool.  the birds have a new song.  life has a new feel.  i think that it is beautiful and symbolic that autumn, the season of falling, the season of dying things, allows me to experience so much life.  this new feeling has come at the end of a new, tiresome week.  and it has brought with it so much Hope and so much Peace.  

today we are making bread for church tomorrow.  and while we are doing so, i am thinking about the Bread of Life, the Son of the living God, who become nothing, that i might become the smallest something.  

in death we find life.  

in darkness we find illumination.  

in suffering, we find the healing of our souls.   

in the simplest things, we find the fullness of the Beauty of the Gospel.  

may we cling to Life. 

may we resist death.  

may we sing with Joy and cry with Hope.  

may we be broken with Christ and poured out with Love.

home for refugees.

life in Haiti is hard.  it is hard for those born here.  it is hard for those who come.  last night we talked about children's need of love, of affection, their need simply to be held.  i sometimes wonder if more of Haiti's problems lie more in that simple lacking than the lack of food or jobs.  can there be a greater necessity than for a child to be held?  my heart breaks.  

amidst the brokenness of this place, in its true poverty of spirit, and in every difficulty of its life, i have found great peace.  i am thankful for my temporary home here because in this poor soil my soul has come to life.  in the darkness i have seen true Light.  my soul rests in God because apart from Him there is no rest.  and in the face of the hate and hurt and brokenness and poverty i have seen the face of my Jesus, i have touched Him and held Him and served Him.  perhaps i have truly Loved Him for the first time.  

poverty is awful.  it is discouraging and saddening and angering and challenging in every way.  and it is true that poverty itself offers us no hope.  one thing, however, that poverty does offer us is Jesus, in whom alone there is Hope, in whom there is always Hope.  

[ run to the suffering if you love Him and worship Him there, that is where He is found; He is the home for refugees. ]

thank You, Dear Jesus, for sharing Your Joy with me.  may i not be afraid to live Your life. 

decency?

my heart is so heavy.  you know that.  you probably know that i am often discouraged, that i am often saddened by what i see around me.  i hope for justice and there is none, and it angers me.  i hope for kindness and compassion, and yet there is hatred, there is malice, there is contempt, there is fighting.  and you may have thought, with others, that i am living with a burden that i should not carry, a burden that Jesus took for me.  but i do not believe that.  i do not believe that Jesus carries the burdens of pain and sadness, the suffering of this life, for us.  i do believe that He died for us.  i do believe that He took away the burden of our sins, the penalty due to us being paid by His death.  but i adamantly deny any doctrine that says that Jesus died so i would not have to suffer.  Jesus did not die so that i would live a carefree life and become numb and blind to the suffering of this fallen world.  no, He died so that i might not perish with it.  He died so that Love might have life in me, that i might not be hardened by my own sin and the sin of the world around me and become blind to the suffering of this fallen world.  

yesterday i continued to see the brokenness that is everywhere around me.  i worked with a man who has no food for himself or his family, and though he has worked hard for three days now, he will not be paid for another three, and has no way of feeding his family.  and will they go hungry for three more days?  i don't know.  i talked to a woman whose husband i know and have worked with, and she was hungry, and they have no work.  and what should i say?  i am sorry that you are hungry.  but people back home give me money to be here and i have ample food.  in fact, i see food thrown away regularly.  

yet some seem to say, "what can i do?  i cannot feed everyone.  and besides, God has blessed my hard work."  that is absurd.  you who do not believe in good works, you think that God has given you material blessing for your works?  you who say we are still, even with the Spirit of Christ residing in us, we are still incapable of any good thing, and yet somehow you have received material blessing?  no!  God does not bless His children with the material riches of this world.  He blesses His children to share in the eternal riches of His Kingdom.  He blesses His children to share in the suffering of Christ, that they too might share in His resurrection for the dead.  and i would think that if you believe in God's Love, if you have any of His compassion and mercy, if you have any of the meekness of Christ, you would not say, "oh the world is a bad place, but thank God i have salvation, and thank God that He has blessed me.  woe to those sinners."  no, if the world is such an awful place, a decent person would do his or her best to make it better.  and Christians ought at least be decent people.  God have mercy on us for our doctrinal piety and for our outrageous claims to follow Christ without getting dust on our feet.  may God humble me first.  

iPhones and water

i simply feel that now that we've so utterly perfected the walkie-talkie to the point where it has become the iPhone, maybe we could turn the great minds that brought us the Nintendo Wii to, say, getting fresh water to the 1 billion people on our planet who don't have it.

                                    - colin beavan, author of  [no impact man]

for warmth

i hold my face between my two hands

                   no i am not crying

i hold my face between my two hands

          to keep my loneliness warm

                   two hands protecting

                   two hands nourishing

                   two hands to prevent

          my soul from leaving me 

                             in anger                          

                                    - thich nhat hanh

farm.

i would like to have a farm one day.  i would like to live a quiet life, to rise early in the peace of morning and put my hands to work, to let my spirit out to pray, to find myself connected to God in the mysteries of His Creation.  i would like to sow in silence and reap my harvest with adoration and thankfulness.  i would like to be nourished modestly by that which i know intimately, by that which i have thoughtfully considered.  i would like to be surrounded by humble creatures working the modest fields of redemption.  i would like to retire early to a quiet place free from the noise and glow of the technological world, a place wrapped in the warmth and familiarity of a worn body and a waking mind.  i would like my life to be illuminated by the flickering candle of Faith and Hope and Charity, and to give off the sweet aromas of Peace and Joy.

i would also like to be a pilgrim.    

disconfidence

i have to apologize, because i have done a poor job of sharing with you about my time here in haiti.  my mom told me that some of you have asked about things here, and i confess that even she cannot tell you much of the details.  and i am not sure why details are so difficult for me to communicate.  partly it is because of my romanticized view of writing, in which i desire to sound intelligent and philosophical and wise, none of which i am.  partly it is because i am a cynic and a pessimist, and i am aware of this, and i do not wish for you to see this.  i loath complaining, yet i am quite prone to it myself.  partly it is because i am too tired.  physically i am not often that tired.  but mentally and spiritually and emotionally, it feels as though i am always tired.  and i do not want for you to think that i am suffering greatly, because i am not.  haiti may be a poor place, but i am still rich.  it is just that this life is very different from the one that i am used to, and it is taking me quite a while to adjust, and when it comes time to write, i rarely feel confident to communicate the details of my life in a way that conveys joy or hope or peace or truth.  and also, most times i feel embarrassed by how little i really have to share.  the difficulties are numerous, though i still believe that they are blessings.  and the joys are so small that i often am afraid to try to share them, for fear that reason will convince me that they are too small to be joyous.  i do not believe that, and i eagerly hope for the confidence to soon share them with you.