a prayer for vision and faith.

Father,

      grant me vision to recognize Your world

      and faith to see it come.

the Light is God.

i miss Sadrak. i miss holding him. i miss hearing him speak. i miss picking him out of a crowd. i miss playing with him and teaching him to use his feet. i miss his hands and i miss his eyes. i miss all of the boys. i miss Tiwil and Kedesh. i miss Charles and Menos and Pecial.
i miss Haiti. i lived there. it seems so surreal, like a dream. it seems like i dreamed of living there but never really did. it seems like i was there long enough to have a picture in my mind but not really know the place. it seems like i was there long enough to hope but not really to help. it seems like i was there just long enough to begin to let go, but not quite long enough to hold on.

i think that i went to Haiti to help, but i don't know that i went with a lot of hope. i think that i was motivated by my own brokenness and by the brokenness, seen and unseen, which i knew to exist in this world. i was motivated by that vision of brokenness and by a desire, of heart or mind or spirit, to help.

perhaps i was tired of thinking that life isn't fair and decided that i should at least try to do something. perhaps i believed that when we ask God why He doesn't do something, He asks us the same question. perhaps i thought that there may be some truth to what is said about finding Jesus in the faces of the poor, the sick and hurting, the marginalized, the abandoned. perhaps i was just trying to do what i have been saying that i have been trying to do for so long: to stop living for myself and start living for others. or perhaps, though i tend to doubt it, i was just listening and following.

i have learned that i am not poor. i have learned that i have been trying to hope in what i can see. i have learned that i more often ask for clarity than faith.

i have learned that sometimes you can't help. i have learned that sometimes God gives you the desires of your heart, and then He takes them away. i have learned that sometimes God takes you to a place, only to turn you around and take you back. i have learned that sometimes God is silent, and that He wants us to be as well.

i have learned that sometimes everything is not illuminated. perhaps, never is everything illuminated. perhaps, mostly everything is dark. but in darkness a light shines on us. and that Light is God.

war for survival.

[ the survival of the principalities is the secret purpose of war. the servility of our leaders depletes them of their humanity, they are victims of the principalities and powers, captivated and possessed by the demonic. ] - William Stringfellow

the pure life.

[ dwell in humility; and take heed that no views of outward gain get too deep hold of you, that so your eyes being single to the Lord, you may be preserved in the way of safety. where people let loose their minds after the love of outward things, and are more engaged in pursuing the profits and the friendships of this world than to be inwardly acquainted with the way of peace, they walk in a vain shadow, while the true comfort of life is wanting. their examples are often hurtful to others, and their treasures thus collected do many times prove dangerous snares to their children.

but where people are sincerely devoted to follow Christ, and dwell under the influence of His Holy Spirit, their stability and firmness, through a Divine blessing, is at times like dew on the tender plants round about them, and the weightiness of their spirits secretly works on the minds of others. in this condition, through the spreading influence of Divine love, they feel a care over the flock, and way is opened for maintaining good order in the Society. and though we may meet with opposition from another spirit, yet, as there is a dwelling in meekness, feeling our spirits subject, and moving only in gentle, peaceable wisdom, the inward reward of quietness will be greater than all our difficulties. where the pure life is kept to, and meetings of discipline are held in the authority of it, we find by experience that they are comfortable, and tend to the health of the body. ]

led.

[ if you could do it, i suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line - starting, say, in the Dark Wood of Error, and proceeding by logical steps through Hell and Purgatory and into Heaven. or you could take the King's Highway past appropriately named dangers, toils, and snares, and finally cross the River of Death and enter the Celestial City. but that is not the way i have done it, so far. i am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or a doubling back. i have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. i have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but not always in that order. the names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but i have seen them only in looking back. often i have not known where i was going until i was already there. i have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or i have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. often i have received better than i have deserved. often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. i am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. and yet for a long time, looking back, i have been unable to shake off the feeling that i have been led, make of that what you will. ]

- Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

a thought of a poem.

_it feels like everything is over.

_it is

and _ it has only begun.

_ emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

_ hope is quiet.

_ pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

_ both are signs of life and health.

_ God speaks.

_ i listen.

and _ i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

_ i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.

sometimes sometimes is always.

[sometimes it feels like everything is over.

sometimes it is

and sometimes it has only begun.

sometimes emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

sometimes hope is quiet.

sometimes pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

sometimes both are signs of life and health.

sometimes God speaks.

sometimes i listen.

and sometimes i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

sometimes i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.]

solidarity.

[ Many Haitians expect to be let down. History shows they are right to feel that way. Haitians know that they have been wronged many, many times. What we are seeing on the news right now is more than a natural disaster. This earthquake has torn away the veil and revealed the crushing poverty that has been allowed by the west's centuries of disregard. That we must respond with a substantial emergency effort is beyond argument, but in the aftermath, Haiti must be rebuilt.

Ultimately, we need to treat Haiti with compassion and respect and make sure that the country gets back on its feet once and for all. Haiti's independence from France more than two centuries ago should be thought of as one of the most remarkable tales of freedom; instead, she was brought to her knees by the French and forced to pay a debt for the value of the lost colony (including the value of the slaves: the equivalent of $21bn by current calculations). We cannot overestimate the strength and resilience of the brave people living in this country whose ancestors had to buy their own bodies back.

The west has funded truly corrupt governments in the past.

Right now, in Haiti, there is a democratically elected government.

Impossibly weak, but standing.

This is the moment where we need to show our best support and solidarity. ]

this is an excerpt from an article written by Régine Chassagne.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/17/haiti-earthquake-aid-casualties