money. [here it goes]

i have been trying to write blog entries about haiti, about going to haiti. i had hoped to be able to really communicate what i'm thinking, to communicate my heart about all of this stuff. but it is really difficult. every time i start to write about a specific subject, i realize that i haven't ever really thought it out so well and that it is very difficult to gather all of my random thoughts and organize them in a way that makes any sense at all.

so now i am trying to write about money, because i have to face the reality that i need money. but before i just went ahead and asked folks for money, i really wanted to share some of my thoughts about money and about the giving (sharing) of money. but this one has been particularly hard.

i think that part of the difficulty is my own personal feelings about money. i have developed a pretty strong disliking for it, and have made quite a few solid efforts to try and detach myself from it. and i have a very real hope that one day i will not need money, that i will learn how to live without it. that's a bold statement, i know, but i feel strongly about it. i am cautious, however, about sharing too much of my own views of and convictions about money. i know that it is a dangerous subject, and honestly, it seems kindof arrogant to say some of the things that i have.  but the thing is, i think that it is all pretty relevant here and now, to my life, and to yours, and to our life together as the church - to this big and beautiful story of the Kingdom of Heaven. so i have been trying to decide what is safe to say, and how i might possibly say that without ensuring that a lot of folks never read anything i post again.

but i am not just some radical. i am not a communist or even a socialist. i am not just a young, idealistic rebel. i have begged God to grant me a sober mind, and wisdom. i think that i am reasonably thoughtful, and i have tried to be observant. i have also tried my best to be educated, and to thoroughly search scripture. and i think that there are some pretty obvious problems regarding money within the church and among christians (though i don't think that separation should be made - i suppose that i mean among christians and within our churches). nobody wants to hear it, and i don't really want to say it, but when you look at christianity as a whole, when you look around at our churches, at our buildings, at our budgets, at our bookstores, when you look at our houses and our cars and our wardrobes and what we spend our money on, it really seems like we might have missed the whole part about not being conformed to the pattern of this world. when it comes to money, we pretty much follow that pattern to a T.

so i obviously have plenty of thoughts about how modern christianity seems to be dealing with money. i think that we like it a lot. but i know that i am not a judge, and i am really not trying to be. and i really do apologize if i have been offensive in any way. it's just that i can't get over some of these things, and i'm trying to be honest, and i am trying not to just come out of nowhere and ask you to give me money without explaining the way i see this whole thing. so please forgive me, and please bear with me. i am learning. i am growing. i am still a fool.

here is the point. there is a passage in 2 corinthians where paul is telling the corinthians about the church in macedonia. apparently the macedonians were poor, extremely poor, and going through a severe trial (presumably a financial one). but paul tells the corinthians how the macedonians insisted on giving generously, because they wanted the privilege of sharing in the service to the saints. so of their own accord, they gave as much as they could. even giving beyond their ability. now i am not telling you this to convince you to give me a lot of money. i am not even trying to convince you to give away a lot of money in general (though it probably wouldn't be a bad idea). here is what i find so beautiful: "brothers, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the macedonian churches... their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity... see that you also excel in this grace of giving." at the end, paul compares this act of the macedonians to the grace of Christ: "that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He become poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich." [2 corinthians 8]

i am not a Bible-scholar, and i am not going to try to explain this passage.  but i think that this passage touches on something quite profound, something that i have been thinking about a lot, especially since deciding to go to haiti and starting to think about the whole support-raising process.  before i get carried away, i'll just say this:  i don't want you to just give me some money.  i think that it has become far to easy for christians to give away money.  we have industries devoted to tithing.  all you really have to do is pick one and write a check.  but i don't think that is the way it is supposed to work.  and i don't want to just be another line item in your financial statements.  i want you to share in the grace of giving.  i want you to know me.  i want you to know my heart.  i want you to know what i am doing.  i want you to know where all of the money that i am getting (God-willing) is going.  i want you to be connected.  i want us to be connected.  because we are connected.  and there is another thing.  i think that we should all be pretty careful about where our money goes.  i am not sure that i think that blindly throwing money in different directions, whatever the label may be, counts in God's economy.  God certainly wants us to give up our money.  He wants us to trust Him to provide.  but He also wants us to be good stewards of what He has given us.  we are to give it away, but we are to give it away well.  we are to build His Kingdom, and i think we ought to be sure that we are doing that.  

i apologize for rambling and ranting.  i have good intentions, i promise.  

i do want your money, because i really want to go to haiti.  and i do need your prayers, because i am terrified.  and i would love it if you would ask questions, though i might not have many answers.  and i really love you, even if i don't know you very well or at all, and i hope that i haven't said anything that didn't come from a love of God and a desire for truth.  

there is a part of a prayer that i really like that says, "grant that whatever good things i have, i may share generously with those who have not, and that whatever good things i do not have, i may request humbly from those who do."  and i am learning to make my requests humbly.

now we haven't exactly figured out our financial situation.  we are thinking that we will need around $500/month for living expenses.  also, we will be in haiti on a visitor's visa and will have to leave the country every 90 days for 3 days.  so for a year, i would like to be able to allot $1,000 to travel expenses.  beyond that, basically the more money we are able to raise, the more we will be able to do in haiti.  the needs there are endless.  i hope to be able to share more specifics soon.  until then, we could chat.  

so . . . if you would like to, you can write me a check.  

you can make it out to: LESPWA Worldwide, with zack kee in the memo line (it'll be tax-deductible).  you can mail it to:  zack kee - 4542 juniper drive - palm harbor, fl 34685

(jay is working on some stuff, like online donating and monthly automatic withdrawal.  this is all new to LESPWA, so there is not really any structure yet.  hopefully that can change to make things easier.  for now, we're doing things the old-fashioned way.)

thank you, again.  i truly am humbled.  

may His mercy be upon us.  and may He forgive whatever foolish things i say.  

peace to you!

some thoughts about the Gospel. [why i am really going to haiti.]

[ over the years, people i've met have often asked
me what i'm working on, and i've usually replied that
the main thing was a book about dresden.
i said that to harrison starr, the movie-maker, one
time, and he raised his eyebrows and inquired, "is it
an anti-war book?"
"yes," i said. "i guess."
"you know what i say to people when i hear they're
writing anti-war books?"
"no. what do you say, harrison starr?"
"i say, 'why don't you write an anti-glacier book
instead?"
what he meant, of course, was that there would
always be wars, that they were as easy to stop as
glaciers.
i believe that too. ]

-kurt vonnegut, jr. [slaughterhouse five]

i refer to this excerpt because i think that it brings up a relevant point. it is pretty apparent that war is not easy to stop. there may be an end to some wars, but war will not cease. likewise, there may be some things that we can do to address issues such as poverty, disease, sickness, illiteracy and homelessness (all of which are probably related more than we realize, all of which, along with war, are symptoms of something else), and we may even see conditions improve from time to time, but overall we cannot eliminate them. i do not believe that we can change the world, that we can save the world, that we can bring peace to earth.

i know how hopeless that sounds. and if that is it, it is entirely hopeless. whatever it may be attributed to, the world is pretty screwed-up. it doesn't seem like that is going to change.

my good friend jordan suggested that i not try to tell my story, but rather tell the story of haiti, of the haitian people, and specifically those haitian people that i will be living with. and i like that suggestion, because i am not particularly fond of telling my own story (as if talking about myself were anything like telling a story). and after all, i am not moving to haiti because of myself (i don't think) but because of the haitian people. i would probably get along just fine if i were to stay put. the problem is that i don't actually know the story of haiti or of the haitian people, and i know very little about those i will be living with.

i know that the people of haiti originally came from africa as slaves brought over by the french. it seems that the french got carried away and brought over too many slaves. the slaves eventually revolted, successfully, and gained independence from france in 1800. haiti has endured tremendous political strife during the last 200 years, being influenced externally by nations that wanted to see haiti become a democratic nation. haiti has endured tremendous internal political corruption. i have heard that haiti is the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, and has been called the second hungriest nation in the world, with 80% of haitians living in poverty and more than 50% living in abject poverty. i know that children go hungry and are scarcely educated. there are roughly 10 million people in haiti, and roughly 1 million homeless orphans.

the united nations has been in haiti for five years. their is a neighborhood on the outskirts of port au prince that was said to be the most dangerous place in the world. the UN pretty much went in and shot the place up, to drive out the gangs that controlled the streets and kept the people living in fear. there is now some stability, which could be gone in a moment.

i have to go back a bit because this story of haiti isn't really a story that i can tell. and honestly, the specifics about haiti i think are pretty insignificant to the story that i am trying to tell, the story that is moving me, the only story that any of us can really tell. that is the story of creation and the fall and redemption.

i know that i may have just turned a lot of people off, and that's okay. keep reading anyways. and keep in mind that i am trying to condense a whole lot of thinking and reading and experience into a few paragraphs, and that i am no theologian or otherwise scholarly fellow.

but really, some folks seem to have this idea that they can go to this place or that, this country or that village, and live among some people, and take all of the things that they have learned in america or elsewhere, in the classroom or from books or the internet, and go change a place and a people. and that is really what matters. and i think that i disagree. i think that the wars will continue, that hurricanes will still come, famine will still come, disease will still come. poverty will still exist, i think as much now as it has and as it will. and we will still use all of those things to measure the condition of the world, the condition of humanity. but it doesn't matter, because regardless of what it looks like, humanity is broken. it is fallen. and in reality, the rich are just as poor as the poorest, and the healthy will die. and i agree with some pretty extreme ideas about the nature and the extent of fallen-ness and how everything is ultimately bent on death, which i will mostly not share (but i do suggest reading 'an ethic for Christians and other aliens in a strange land' by william stringfellow). but i do want to say a few things.

i do believe that all things are moving towards death. that is the fall. i do believe that humanity is helpless to stop it. and i do believe that Jesus Christ, the resurrected Son of God, will return and redeem all things. i believe that there will be a new Jerusalem, a new heaven and a new earth. and there are a lot of different perspectives out there. some believe that we can save things (something, anything), that if we work hard enough and convince enough people, we can stop the madness, end the chaos, restore peace. some have resigned themselves to the hopelessness a bit too much and think that those who are saved (by Christ, by grace, through faith) just have to wait around and make do, that Christ will come and fix everything, that the only thing that matters is telling people about Jesus so that they too can be saved when He returns in judgment.

i don't know exactly what i believe. i cannot be quick to say that i understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ. i am a fairly unconfident reader of the Gospels, a fairly unconfident follower of Christ (would i lay down my life? would i give up everything? ). Christ asks why i worry, and yet i worry. He says to forgive, and yet i hold grievances. i do believe, however, that the Gospel is Hope. if it is nothing else, it is Hope. Christ will return. Christ will save. Christ will forgive. Christ will free. and if He will, He has. if His Kingdom will exist, it does exist. i believe that the Church of Jesus Christ has become that Hope, present in this broken world. we, Christ's followers, His body, are to become the source of that Hope for the world, the image of Christ in this world, the model of his Kingdom come. we are not to be as the world, but as Christ. i wish that i could explain that better.

i don't have much reason to go to haiti. truthfully, i believe that God has led me there. i don't know why. and i don't have much purpose for going to haiti. i have little confidence that i can accomplish much. i can't help haiti. i can't help the 1.2 million orphans there. i can't end the poverty or the violence or the hunger. but i can be a light. i can be a source of Hope. i can hold a few orphans and play with a few orphans, i can build a few things and plant a few seeds and pull a few weeds. i can give up my life for the sake of Christ because i have Hope in redemption. and i can say that. and i can show that.

the gist. [why i am going haiti]

in september, i am moving to haiti [God-willing]. i am moving to haiti to live with haitians, some of them orphans, all of them beautiful. i am moving to haiti to learn to love and to be loved, to serve and to be served. thoreau said that he went into the woods to suck the marrow out of life. but i think that i am going to haiti to let the Gospel seep down into my marrow. i am going to learn the meaning of that famous saying of st. paul, "for me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." and even those less famous words of Christ, "whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it."

to be honest, i don't know what i am getting myself into. i am not moving to haiti with much of a plan. i am not going with a big missions organization. (i am going with a very little one. in fact, i will be one of its first three expatriates.) i am not going with a well-defined purpose. as my good friend jay says, "i just want to go live with haitians."

so, this is what i know. i am moving to haiti with jay and his wife diana (i will try to tell you more about them and how we ended up planning to move to haiti together later). we are going through an organization called LESPWA. jay started LESPWA in 2006. we will be living and working at the Presbyterian Mission in Haiti, which was started by pastor charles amicy. pastor charles has started many churches around the capital, port au prince. the mission, located in the town of messailler, 30 miles or so north of port au prince, has a church and a school and an orphanage. the orphanage is planned to open in september and will initially be home to 20 boys. a medical clinic is planned for the future.

LESPWA has a wonderful relationship with pastor charles and the presbyterian mission. the goal of LESPWA is essentially to build orphanages and give haitian children hope by giving them a home and teaching them the Gospel (it's all explained a lot better on the LESPWA website). LESPWA is helping pastor charles do this in messailler. and we will be living at the mission to support the orphanage and the mission as a whole. but we are also going to continue the work of LESPWA (which for the foreseeable future will likely remain in partnership with pastor charles), looking for more opportunities to build orphanages. so there is much to do, but we are pretty clueless about how things will develop. [a little disclaimer: jay might disagree with me about some of this. i'll let you know if he does.]

so, i think that explains why i am moving to haiti. i guess later i'll try to explain how i came to this point.

thanks again, and peace.

beginning. [holding my breath]

i signed up for this blog a few days ago. i didn't really have any intention of writing anything for a while. i was bored, and curious, and sometimes when i am anxious, i start trying at random to get things done, just to get something out of the way. start a blog was on my list.

this week i have been trying to write a support letter. in september, i am planning on moving to haiti. and so i wanted to let people know about it, and ask them to pray for me (a lot!) and maybe even share some of their money with me. typically those are the two things that you ask for in a support letter, and that is easy enough. but also, it is usually a good idea to tell people what you are doing and why you are asking them for their prayer and their money (i suppose people will give you their prayer easy enough, but i think they usually want a pretty good reason to give you their money, and that is understandable). and that is where i have been having difficulty.

it isn't exactly that i don't know what i am doing and why i am asking for prayer and money. it is just that as a general rule, my thoughts don't easily condense and i am not gifted with the art of brevity. so i have been having a pretty tough go at writing a support letter.

this morning, the thought occurred to me that maybe i don't need to write a support letter. maybe it is just a formality (and as you may know, i am not really one for formality). and then my conscience chimed in and reminded me that it requires an awful lot of paper and stamps and gas for all of the mail trucks. conscience#2 then told me that i was just being lazy and i began a new struggle for the day.

i decided to just give it a shot. i don't want to start feeling like i am losing it over how to write a support letter, and so far i have spent way too many hours writing and re-writing it, trying to make it sound right, trying to make it look right, trying to impress everyone with my deepness of thought and what-not. so i decided to abandon ship for a while and go with what i've got (not much).

for now, i think that i am just going to have a support blog. i won't call it that, because i don't like the way it sounds. but here, i am going to write about my days and my thoughts and try to explain this journey (to haiti, God-willing) as i discover it. thank you for reading thus far, and thank you, in advance, for your love and mercy and patience, and your support.

may God shine upon us. may we be washed with His mercy and covered with grace.
and may peace be with us all!