trip

jay's brother elliott is planning a trip for december 15-22.  anyone is welcome.  do ask questions if you are interested.  i personally would love to have you with me for a time.

Joy!

I
i don't particularly enjoy trying to recount the details of life.  i have been an eager journaler for quite some time, yet rarely do i sit down and try to write about the specifics of my days.  i suppose that it is how my mind works, that i do not process information in such a fashion as to be able to write this way without much difficulty.  and most of the time i do not question whether i should attempt to operate differently.   for the most part, i feel all is well.

there have been times during these past few weeks, however, when i have wished greatly to be able to recall to mind the details of my days, that i might share them, that someone else might have a glimpse into this life that i have been given.

II
today has been rather quiet.  i have felt a growing conviction and desire in recent years to observe the Lord's Day as a day of rest and a day of peace.  i have often been troubled by the almost complete neglect of the Sacrament of Sabbath presently among Christians, and have begun to see what i can only describe as a tremendous dichotomy between Scripture's teaching on Sabbath and the reflection of this teaching in the lives of modern Christians.  and in transitioning into life in this very different culture, i have sensed that God has provided me with an opportunity to make a more ardent effort to observe Sabbath Rest and Sabbath Faith.

III
church was beautiful again today.  bobi was there again, and she was causing madanm menos quite a fuss.   it causes me tremendous grief, the way the haitian people generally treat animals.  i cannot understand how God's children, known and loved by God, given eyes to see the beauty and glory of His Creation, can treat with such contempt any of His cherished creatures.  but haitians in general seem to see animals in general as vile creatures, necessarily receiving all of the harshness and hatred that exists in man's power and authority.  it has been pointed out to me that it is in man's fallen nature to desire power, to seek authority, and in a land where most people feel largely powerless, it is understandable that people would seek that authority over whatever is "lower" than themselves.  i hear the explanation, thought i cannot understand it.   my heart breaks daily when i hear bobi's sudden helpless cries echoing throughout the house, simply because someone happened to have the fortune of coming upon her in a helpless position.  or when i hear the groans of a mule or bull clearly being overburdened or abused for not performing well enough. some are far worse than others, but there are few who appear to have even the slightest inkling of compassion or mercy.  and so madanm menos was having a fuss because bobi was trying to come near her, and she would not have it.

our friend ben, who is a missionary with the orthodox presbyterian church, and his family were with us today, and ben gave a beautiful sermon in church about suffering with Christ and what it means to become the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.  his words were beautiful to my ears, especially having felt, at times, quite discouraged by what appears here to be an absence of the humble servitude which Our Lord displayed and taught us to emulate.

IV
after church we sat around the table with ben and his family and pastor charles.  i didn't eat (tuna sandwiches) but somehow left the table feeling rather satisfied, and tried to thank God for the opportunity to be poor.  it was a beautiful day, and so i decided to take my book and sit out front in the shade and read.  my quiet moment did not last long, and i soon went over to the orphanage to sit out front and play checkers with alexander, charles' son and our friend.

madanm menos, who had a fuss with bobi during church, is the caregiver of the boys in the orphanage.   to me, she seems to be an okay caregiver and a terribly harsh disciplinarian. (might i mention that today in church, we think we heard that the orphanage may soon begin to house girls on the second floor, thus no longer being an all-boys orphanage.  that is joyful news to us all, but especially our lonesome diana, who is certainly due the company of a few more girls.  also our friend shannon will hopefully be joining us soon to help with the orphanage.) there is an adorable little boy named Sedrach who lives at the orphanage.  my american friends all call him crazy, which hurts my heart, because he is absolutely precious.  but i must admit, there must be something wrong with him.  he doesn't function like the other boys, and throws far more fits, and tends to be slightly, if not more, inappropriate.  my guess is that he has been severely abused, physically if not also sexually.  today, while alexander and i were playing checkers, one of the other boys ended up face first on the ground beneath the three foot dropoff in front of the orphanage. (the orphanage is built over an overflow stream bed, so there are stairs in the front and what looks kind of like a stage, three feet off the ground.  great for little boys.) he was hysterical, and the other boys immediately pointed to Sedrach.  so jay picked the screaming little boy up and took him inside, and alexander took Sedrach inside.  within seconds he began screaming terribly as madanm menos whipped him with a belt.  it was more than i could bear, and the thought of those children being disciplined so severely, with what seems like so little love, crushed my heart.  i lost that game of checkers.

V
this evening pastor charles fired his long-time security guard gito, whom we all love very much. we are not sure at all why he was fired, except that pastor charles says that he can no longer trust him and seems to think that he took advantage of his living situation.  i certainly cannot judge, but i cannot help but feel like gito has not been shown mercy, not the mercy that Christ has shown us, not the mercy that Christ has taught us that we ought to show others.  it seems like, again, justice has triumphed over mercy.  i can only ask God to allow me to trust Him, and continue to show me mercy.

VI
we went to church again this evening.  there were not very many people, but i thought that it was beautiful.  i did not have a hymnal, but i enjoyed humming along as best i could.  i think a few people thought i was a bit nutty, but i was overjoyed to be there, to lift my voice as i could to God.  God has shown me so much of the beauty of His Church, of our unity together, of the sacredness of His people gathering to worship Him with pure hearts. during the sermon Sedrach sat in my lap and wore my glasses and played with my watch, and it didn't matter that i couldn't understand what was said, because i felt as if i were holding Jesus.

VII
it is thundering, and i am reflecting on this Lord's Day while i wait for the rain.  i pray earnestly that you might know the joy that is in my heart, the joy that God has given me in faith, as love works itself deeper into my soul and releases me to have the fullness of this life with Christ. i pray that we might have His peace always, that His mercies might be multiplied greatly, and that we might all be made rich in the poverty of Our Lord Jesus Christ.  to Him be all glory and honor and praise!

Solace is an old woman.

today has been long.  time has, on more than one occasion, seemed to be suspended overhead, almost mockingly so.  "look at me!  i am time, and i am not moving."  no, time, you aren't moving.  the stillness of time has been one of the least welcome realities these first few weeks. because another reality is that certain things will only happen with the passage of time, and i would really like for some of those things to happen quickly.  familiarity always comes slowly. i still move about my new home with timidity.  though, despite some complaints, i have found faithful Solace in the kitchen.  she is a homely old woman with dirt under her fingernails and a fetid rag over her shoulder, but she moves slowly and always welcomes company.  tonight we visited as i tidied up from dinner and enjoyed the coming of the night's storm.   

yesterday diana asked me if i ever get frustrated about learning creole.  i said that i don't and proceeded to tell her why.  i had already thought about it, because i have been able to tell that the others are frustrated.  i told her that we have not been here long, and i don't really expect to learn quickly.  i said also that learning creole is not really my highest priority.  i would really like to know creole, and it is hard not being able to communicate, but i feel like there are other important things to focus on, too.  for one, i believe that my time with God is more important than anything, because if i am not living my days in His presence i have nothing.  i will not be able to learn creole.  i will not be able to love or to serve.  also, i have just thought that God has a plan for us, and learning creole is a part of that plan, i am sure, but the rest is not and cannot be contingent on that.  i have wondered if for some reason we were to leave in a week or two or even longer, would we have had any impact here? and i thought that if i spend all of my time trying to learn creole, surely i won't have any impact.  but if i can trust that things will take shape in time, and try to focus on being here, on learning to live here, learning to love and to serve, then surely i will learn creole, and surely Christ's light will shine.  

i read a lot today.  if you are willing to read my words, i hope that you will more eagerly read these:

[ God never tied man's salvation to any pattern of life. . . .  so one must be permeated with the divine Presence, informed with the form of the beloved God who is within him, so that he may radiate that Presence without working at it. . . .

you will never hear an obedient person saying: "i want it so and so; i must have this or that."  you will hear only of utter denial of self. . . . "Lord, give me nothing but what Thou wilt and dost - Lord, what and how Thou wilt in every detail". . . .

a pure heart is one that is unencumbered, unworried, uncommitted, and which does not want its own way about anything but which, rather, is submerged in the loving will of God, having denied self. . . .

there can be no restlessness unless it come from self-will. . . .  when you are thwarted, it is your own attitude that is out of order. . . .  if you do not first get away from self, then whatever else you get away from you will still find obstacles and restlessness. . . .  let everyone begin by denying self and in so doing he will have denied all else. . . .  "to give up your little bit willingly is to give up not this alone but all that worldly people seek after, indeed all they could possibly desire". . . .  for what you do not desire you let go, and let go for the sake of God.  thus our Lord says: "blessed are the poor in spirit" - that is, [those devoid] of will and there should be no doubt that if there is a better way, the Lord would have mentioned it. . . .

know that no man in this life ever gave up so much that he could not find something else to let go. . . .  to the extent that you eliminate self from your activities, God comes into them - but not more and no less. . . people ought not to consider so much what they are to do as what they are;  let them but be good and their ways and deeds will shine brightly. . . .  do not think that saintliness comes from occupation; it depends rather on what one is. . . .  thus take care that your emphasis is laid on being good and not on the number or kind of thing to be done. . . .

everything comes to him who truly comes to God, bringing all divinity with it, while all that is strange and alien flies away. . . . ]

                        

                      - excerpts from the talks of instruction, meister eckhart

i intended to mention some things that i hope you could be praying for, but i now feel a loss of words.  perhaps you could pray for continued peace, and a quiet mind (i have yet to experience), and insurmountable joy.  

thank you for loving me.  i feel it right now.  would you give my mother a hug?

grace and peace to you in Christ our Lord, our Joy and our Hope.

faith hope love

[ all things are possible to him who believes,

    they are less difficult to him who hopes,

       they are easier to him who loves,

  and still more easy to him who practices and perseveres

                                in these three virtues.                                   ]

                                                    - brother lawrence

i wonder why we have given up the pursuit of virtue.  why have we stopped asking God that we might be virtuous?  we could be saints, if only we believed.  we could be saints, if only we practiced.  but we have contented ourselves with far less than saintliness.  we have counted the cost, and the cost is too great.  we have believed the lie that following Jesus is easy, and so we have thrown out the difficult.  we have made idols of our freedom, and so have scorned all rules.  but it has not always been so.  there have been many men and women who shouted, "no!  i will not believe the lies.  i will not be seduced by this world.  i will not settle for a mediocre faith.  surely i would rather die and be with my Lord.  surely i must live and die with my Lord."  and i believe that there are still those men and women, and that their voices are still heard.  and also is that voice still heard, which biddeth, come, abide in me.  and do we abide?

a swollen river and loneliness.

the river has grown today.  i think that it is angry about being confined to such a narrow space.  and it seems to be a darker brown than usual.  jeremy and i were out earlier and noticed they had already locked the gates up tight and propped bars up against them in the back.  i wonder if they are worried.  i guess all of the rain from the mountains over this past week has finally made its way down to the valley.

the sound is noticeably louder up here in the guest room.  it is loud enough to drown out all of the typical evening village noises, although people might just be bunkering down for the night.  but i keep imagining myself sitting in a cabin on a river in the woods of north carolina or tennessee.  and it makes me sad that i didn't bring any wendell berry books with me.  but it is a nice sentiment to help take the edge off of the loneliness that arrived this morning.  i am sure that i will dream well tonight.

[bathe in the river of peace.]

legliz.

we walked to church this morning.  we arrived toward the end of sunday school, which is really just the first half of the service but more interactive and less formal.  it was nice to walk to church.  i love not being in cars.  

bobi came to church.  she slept through the sermon.  the chickens came too.  their voices were lovely, especially during the songs, and were a beautiful reminder that God doesn't care if we know the words.  He just wants to hear us sing.  

the boys made it over from the orphanage a little late.  but they came smiling, and were very orderly in finding their seats.  most of them sat next to us, and on our laps, and we held them and thanked Jesus for His love, and for His Church.  

if i could truly explain, you may not truly understand.  

were i to speak, you may not hear.

O God of peace, rend my heart, that i might no longer be torn between the gods of this world and You, the Almighty, the Everlasting.  set me apart, that my affections would no longer be stirred by the things of this world.  show me, O Lord, the fullness of detachment.  grant that i might not be deceived, that lies would not prevent me from hearing Your truth, from following Your ways.  may nothing from the mouth of this world ever keep me from believing and obeying Your Word.  if i am to err, grant that i might do so in taking Your Word too literally, rather than risk taking it too figuratively.  

[ O Lord my God, make me

        submissive without protest,

        poor without discouragement,

        chaste without regret,

        patient without complaint,

        humble without posturing,

        cheerful without frivolity,

        mature without gloom,

        and quick-witted without flippancy. ]

                                         - st. thomas aquinas

[ God often permits that we should suffer a little to purify our souls and oblige us to continue with Him.]

                                                                                 - brother lawrence

          

the Spirit of Prayer

[ reading is good, hearing is good, conversation and meditation are good; but then, they are only good at times and occasions, in a certain degree, and must be used and governed with such caution as we eat and drink, and refresh ourselves, or they will bring forth in us the fruits of intemperance. but the Spirit of Prayer is for all times and occasions; it is a lamp that is to be always burning, a light to be ever shining: everything calls for it; everything is to be done in it, and governed by it, because it is and means and wills nothing else but the whole totality of the soul, not doing this or that, but wholly, incessantly given up to God to be where and what and how He pleases. ]                                                                                                                                                 -william law

streams of mercy, rivers of peace

i almost forgot that today is wednesday.  that means that i have been in haiti for one week.  and i know it might sound weak, but i feel like that is quite an accomplishment.  not necessarily that i have been here for a week, but that i have been here, and that i have been okay.  i am okay.

i have wanted to live outside of the US for a pretty long time.  i have often felt like that was what i was really waiting for, that was my goal.  every decision i made was made in light of the hope that i would soon be leaving.  but when i decided to move here, to haiti, out of the US, i realized that my hope of leaving was more of a dream.  i am not sure that i ever really thought that it would happen.  and so when i began preparing (my mind really was all) to come here, it made me a little anxious.  

it is not really uncommon for me to be anxious.  it is actually quite common for me to be quite anxious.  i am not really sure about the history of my anxiety, and it isn't a medical condition or anything, but i think that i started being anxious during my senior year of high school.  which, coincidentally (or not) is when i think that i started actually growing spiritually.  i could spend hours talking about anxiety, but i won't.  it would probably make me anxious.  (that's kind of a joke.)  enough to say, for quite some time now i have been characteristically anxious.

it is raining.  i really like it when it rains here.  it has rained for the past three or four nights, most of the night i think.  i like the sound of the rain and the sound the river makes outside my window as it plays in it.  i like the cool breeze that it brings and the feeling that i am being washed.  but i am also reminded that for some, the rain brings fear.  for some, the sound of the river swelling outside their window is anything but soothing.  and i am reminded that i am safe, and that i have always been safe.  i most likely will always be.  

i think that explains a lot of how i have felt lately.  

we have a dog named bobi and a cat that is white and orangish and small.  i love them both very much, and they are thankful for my love.  sometimes i get the feeling that they have known more love in the past week than they have in the rest of their lives.  i don't think haiti is a gentle place for animals.  the four of us are home alone tonight, in this big house that is a fortress.  our friend menos came to lock us in earlier.  i think that they might be worried about us.  but i had to open the door a while ago.  i was planning on letting bobi and the cat spend the night with us, but when i went down to the kitchen to boil some water for drinking (we ran out of purified water, and propane, and diesel for the generator, and dish soap) i caught bobi in the trash.  she ran up to me while at the same time trying to cower to the floor, and it really broke my heart, because i know that she is used to abuse.  bobi is not used to mercy.  

i think that explains a lot of how i have felt lately, also.

i am okay.  i have been here for one week, and for one week i have not been anxious.  i have spent my entire life in a familiar land, one of comfort, one of security, and have rarely known peace.  and now i have been here, an alien in a strange land, and i seem only to feel peace.  and i suppose that God is only confirming what i have suspected for so long.  

[my Kingdom is not of this world.]

the General Thanksgiving

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,

we Your unworthy servants give You humble thanks

for all Your goodness and loving-kindness

to us and to all whom You have made.

we bless You for our creation, preservation,

and all the blessings of this life;

but above all for Your immeasurable love

in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ;

for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.

and, we pray, give us such an awareness of Your mercies,

that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise,

not only with our lips, but in our lives,

by giving up ourselves to Your service,

and by walking before You 

in holiness and righteousness all our days;

through Jesus Christ our Lord,

to whom, with You and the Holy Spirit,

be honor and glory throughout all ages.  Amen.

in the dark, the light shone brightly on us.

i don't know where to begin.  i have far too many things running through my head right now.  chronological order seems rather difficult.  order of importance too.  i am sitting at my desk right now, which is one of those short plastic folding tables that every church has an abundance of.  we only have a few here, and one of them is my desk.  i feel honored.  

thankfully, jeremy doesn't make much use of desks, which is good for me, because i do.  i am already pretty attached to this one.  i moved the lamp, our only source of light, from the night-stand to the desk so that i could still read and write at night.  i was afraid that i might keep jeremy up at night as i tend to stay up a bit later than he does, but it doesn't seem to bother him.  and he says he is a slob, but i don't mind, as long as his slobbishness doesn't encroach on the desk.  we share the guest-room, which is much nicer than jay and diana's room.  the bed is more comfortable.  the curtains are white and lacy.  the lamp turns off when you touch it.  and the river flows rather closely by our window, so the background noise is always pleasant.  to be honest, i have struggled to get over my preconceptions and stop feeling guilty.  maybe i can move into the shack in a few months.  for now, i am safe, and certainly comfortable enough.  

this weekend has been incredible.  i badly wish that i could share in detail everything that i have experienced, but neither of us has the time.  but there is that saying about something beyond your wildest dreams or something, and i don't really remember my dreams much, but i think that applies here.  

yesterday afternoon we went to port au prince to buy food.  pastor charles' brother drove (like a crazy person, even for a haitian) and his son alexander and some cousins came with us.  they are all wonderful, and we had a great time.  the journey was long, and after stopping to get our american dollars exchanged for haitian gouds, we made it to the caribbean market, which is really a quite fancy grocery store (not quite a publix) with a lot of import stuff.  it almost felt like home.  so we did our shopping and headed out.  it was raining, and our groceries took space in the truck, so five of us had to ride in the back.  it was raining, which doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was pouring, and within about three seconds i was freezing.  we were all freezing.  so we started making our way through port au prince, haitians laughing all the way...  i hate to leave out all the details, but we eventually made it home.  our crazy driver hit a ditch-size pothole on the national highway going about 60, and we blew a tire.  turns out we were lucky, because it's not really a great place to get a flat, especially at night, especially with four white people with a lot of money in my pocket.  but we survived.  didn't get robbed, didn't die of hypothermia.  

as we were driving out of the city, i was sitting with my back against the truck, looking out over the side of the bed.  it was pretty dark and raining pretty heavily.  but as i watched the rain drops falling in the light from the car behind us, with the face of a few haitians in my periphery, shacks and folks lining the streets, i kept thinking that i felt really alive.  it's hard to explain, but i just kept thinking, wow, God, you brought me here, and i am really wet and really cold and really uncomfortable, but there is nowhere that i would rather be right now than in the back of this truck with my two american and six haitian brothers.  thank You.  

so we made it home.  there was a giant piece of bone in the stew, so i had some rice for dinner, and eventually went to bed feeling strangely satisfied.  this morning we woke up and headed back to port au prince with our new friends the kopps, who are from canada.  eh?  they don't actually say that.  they do say aboot.  they also have american greencards.  they have been in haiti for two years now.  ben is a pastor in the orthodox presbyterian church and is working mostly on a big island called lago nav.  they live about 30 minutes north of us.  they took us to pastor charles' brother's church where ben preached.  i felt pretty crummy this morning, and it was very hot, and when you feel crummy and it is hot and church is slow and in french and creole, i think you tend to not like it.  i did, in fact, not like it.  but that's okay.  i made it through and shortly after decided that i could stay in haiti, and we made our way to the kopps' house.  which is amazing.  and which is very close to a beach resort.  which, after a wonderful vegetarian lasagna lunch (ben was very sweet to tell heather that i don't eat meat, and heather was very sweet to not tell me to get over it) we headed to the beach.  we swam, got stung by jellyfishes, played soccer, and swam some more.  it was really wonderful to get to spend the day with them, and to hear about living in haiti from the perspective of a foreigner.  they loved us well, and shared much knowledge and wisdom.  we are all very thankful for our new friends.  

when we arrived back at the mission around 5:30, we were overjoyed to see a group of children playing games and singing.  our first four orphans had arrived and the children from the village that go to the church had gathered to welcome them.  it was so wonderful, so beautiful.  as i walked up, some of the children called and welcomed me and wanted to hold my hand and sit on my lap and touch my ears and beg me to throw them in the air or swing them around or hold them.  and i felt love.  and so much joy.  and so, so much hope.

after a while, we all went over in front of the orphanage for an inauguration ceremony.  pastor charles' wife and pastor gabriel (who pastors the church here at the mission) spoke.  i have no clue what they said, except for a lot of stuff about children and God.  then they took the four boys into the orphanage and gave them snacks, and then we partied.  sortof.  

i can't tell you how amazing it was to see those boys walk into the orphanage.  i can't tell you what my heart felt.  and i can't explain to you now all about the orphanage and the orphans and the mission.  but i can tell you that i am supposed to be here.  i was supposed to be here today.  and God-willing i will be here tomorrow.  

thank you, from the depths of my heart.  and thank You, Father of Life, Father to orphans.  

here are some pictures.  they aren't good, but they'll give you an idea.

[God has infinite treasures to bestow, and we take up with a little sensible devotion which passes in a moment.  blind as we are, we hinder God and stop the current of His graces.  but when He finds a soul penetrated with a lively faith, He pours into it His graces and flavors plentifully; there they flow like a torrent, which, after being forcibly stopped against is ordinary course, when it has found a passage, spreads itself with impetuosity and abundance.]                                 

                                                                         - brother lawrence

Father, grant me wisdom.  in a world which is never devoted to You, show me how i might be faithful to You and also love those around me.  order my life inwardly, that every moment might be spent with You.  and order my life outwardly, that i might make time often to be alone with You, yet not neglect my earthly responsibilities nor to nurture the relationships that You have given me.  grant unto me, my God, true charity, that my love would always be directed first to You, and then to others and myself as objects of Your love.  and grant unto me faith and peace, that i might trust and expect that You will lead me and show me this way.  Amen.

thank You.

thank You, Father, for bringing me this far.  i know that You have led me, that You will continue to lead me.  i trust in Your plans, O God, in Your providence,  and in Your will.  to You be all glory and honor and praise forever and ever!

[my Kingdom is not of this world.]  

lead me unto Your truth, O God.

surely You have blessed me, O God, most Loving Father.  surely You have led me here by Your loving hand, according to Your sovereign will. yes, this is good.  You are good.

___________________________________________________

i never knew that is was possible to feel so many things in one day.  but i have never moved to Haiti before.  i am so excited, so thankful, so relieved to be here.  i know that God has great things for us.  and yet it is still a bit frightening, a bit intimidating, a bit anxious.  but i know that God will provide.  He will strengthen me.  

today was a good day.  it was an encouraging day.  and i am in Haiti.  

___________________________________________________

thank You for bringing me here.  i am blessed to enter into this place. this is my sanctuary.  this is my solitude.  this is my desert.  this is my service.  draw me unto You, O God, that i might seek you earnestly, that i might be fixed on You, that i might abide closely with You.  lift my mind to think above the things of this world and to think always of You.  lead my mind to think of Your Kingdom.  lead me into the present reality of Eternal Life, on earth as it is in heaven.  make me into Your humble servant, that daily i might deny myself and take up my cross, to follow the example of my Lord Jesus Christ.  

[give to me, O Lord my God,

   understanding of You,

   diligence in seeking You,

   wisdom in finding You,

   discourse ever pleasing to You,

   perseverance in waiting for You,

   and confidence in finally embracing You.

grant that with Your hardships,

      i may be burdened in reparation here,

   that Your benefits

      i may use in gratitude upon the way,

   that in Your joys

      i may delight by glorifying You

         in the Kingdom of Heaven.

You who live and reign,

   God, world without end.

                              Amen.                                ]

-St. Thomas Aquinas

abide.

i used to sit in my room a lot at night and play my guitar and sing songs.  they were songs to God, partly because i didn't know any other songs, but mostly because that's the only songs i cared to sing.  i led worship in college for campus crusade, and we were pretty good, and it was pretty rockin', but honestly, i always preferred the nights alone in my room.  there was just something about the purity, the vulnerability, the rawness of it - just me and God.  i loved it.  and i had a feeling He did too.  i felt okay in those moments.

sometime a while back i quit doing that.  i don't know why, to be honest.  and i didn't realize it at the time, but i was really missing something.  people have sometimes told me that i have a gift, and by that i suppose that they meant that i was talented, or that i had an ability to lead people to God.  i hope that they meant the latter, but even still...  i have realized recently that i had nothing, and i still have nothing.  it isn't me who has the gift.  it never was.  it is, and always has been, God who has the gift, and He has been gracious enough to give it to me.  

over the past few years i have struggled to figure out what it means to abide, to live always in the presence of God.  just a few minutes ago i was sitting on my bed, and i was playing my guitar, and i sang some of those songs that i used to sing.  and i experienced something beautiful.  and i am not just talking about the songs or that emotional feeling you get when you feel really connected to God.  as i was singing those songs, i began to see that the gift that God has given me is the gift of being in His presence, not because i am singing songs to Him, but because He is present.  because He is always present.  and all i have to do is open my eyes.  all i have to do is stop, and stop talking, and stop trying.  all i have to do is be still.  

i see You in every scene

i bet You are thinking about me

i have such a short memory

so You keep reminding me of You

but to be honest, that isn't enough for me anymore.  i don't just want to remember that God is there.  i don't just want to go about my day and then think, oh yeah, God's there, He's thinking about me.  i want to be in God's presence.  completely.  and i want to be transformed by God's presence.  i want to be consumed by God's presence.  brother lawrence didn't just walk around being aware that he was in God's presence.  he was absolutely obsessed with being in God's presence.  he didn't care about anything else.  i read this book about a russian pilgrim who wanted to learn how to pray without ceasing.  so he started praying this prayer, the sinner's prayer:  "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."  he said it over and over and over again.  thousands of times a day.  and after a while, that's all he could think about.  and he was so consumed with joy and love for God that he didn't care about anything else.  he said he would pass people on the road and hardly notice them, because he was so fixed on the reality of God.  and brother lawrence talks about how sometimes, he would have to literally do something to keep himself from outwardly bursting with the joy that he found in God.

i am not like that.  but i really, really want to be.  

all of life comes down to just one thing

that's to know You, oh Jesus, and make You known.

sometimes i wonder if i've just made it too complicated.

"abide in me."