disconfidence

i have to apologize, because i have done a poor job of sharing with you about my time here in haiti.  my mom told me that some of you have asked about things here, and i confess that even she cannot tell you much of the details.  and i am not sure why details are so difficult for me to communicate.  partly it is because of my romanticized view of writing, in which i desire to sound intelligent and philosophical and wise, none of which i am.  partly it is because i am a cynic and a pessimist, and i am aware of this, and i do not wish for you to see this.  i loath complaining, yet i am quite prone to it myself.  partly it is because i am too tired.  physically i am not often that tired.  but mentally and spiritually and emotionally, it feels as though i am always tired.  and i do not want for you to think that i am suffering greatly, because i am not.  haiti may be a poor place, but i am still rich.  it is just that this life is very different from the one that i am used to, and it is taking me quite a while to adjust, and when it comes time to write, i rarely feel confident to communicate the details of my life in a way that conveys joy or hope or peace or truth.  and also, most times i feel embarrassed by how little i really have to share.  the difficulties are numerous, though i still believe that they are blessings.  and the joys are so small that i often am afraid to try to share them, for fear that reason will convince me that they are too small to be joyous.  i do not believe that, and i eagerly hope for the confidence to soon share them with you.  

Holy Sadness

these past few days have been heavy with sorrow and sadness.  my heart is tired.  and though i wish that it were not so, i am not discouraged.  i am not frustrated or angry or anxious.  and though each conversation has seemed to take a little more out of me, and even the smallest statements seemed to be arrows at my fragile soul, each has been a blessing of its own.  because with each word has come more poverty of spirit, and i have been left with nothing but to seek the solace of Christ.  and He has gladly welcomed me, and assured me of Faith and Hope and Love.  He has assured me that His kingdom is not of this world, and that He is still choosing the foolish to shame the wise, and that to be His disciple, one must still lose his life and carry His cross. and He is reminding me that to cling to the ways of this world when one has beheld the glory of His life is the greatest folly of all.  

Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  Holy Sadness leads to insurmountable Joy.

perspective.

i have been given a beautiful new perspective during these past 30 some days.  i have had a good life, and i have much to be thankful for.  i have known a lot of great people and lived in some great places.  i have seen a lot of beauty and heard a lot of hope and beheld a lot of love.  i have endured a few struggles here in there, most of them less traumatic than i thought.  but i can say that after all that my life has been, brief as it may be, i look back on it all with great peace.  and at times, when i sit here having lost so much of it, longing for that life for which i was living with all my being, i am reminded of the life that i have been given, and the life that i have been promised, the life for which my spirit groans.

i do miss america.  i miss the beauty of its bohemians, the hope of its dissenters, and the strength of its sprawling landscapes that refuse to give in to the confines of man's tiny imagination.  i miss the hope of the kingdom that is rising amidst the rubble of its empire.  and i am reminded that hope is mysterious, that it is not anchored in people nor place nor idea, but in the Living Christ, the Hope of Redemption.

live boldly.  love irrationally.  don't be afraid to say no.  be less afraid to say Yes!  turn your back on lies.  challenge the powers that say you have no choice.  tell them you are willing to die, because you are already alive.  take back what is God's, and offer it to Him with joy.  

be still.  be poor.

love.

come to find out, maybe serving is always difficult.  maybe the most impacting love is also the most difficult to give.  surely if Christ's is the example of the greatest love, it is also the example of the most sacrificial.  so am i not also a fool to think that i can love greatly without sacrificing greatly?  am i not also a fool to think that i can love greatly without being humbled greatly?  may i always be reminded that Christ did not love in order that He might be glorified unto man, but unto God, and that so He might love the least He also become the least.  

love does not seek power, but gives up power, for it knows that power cannot exercise itself in love.  love does not seek authority, for love is more truly displayed in service than in authority.  love does not seek wealth, for to desire wealth is to love oneself more than thy neighbor.  and love is not defeated by the presence of hatred and violence or by the absence of compassion and mercy, but faithfully lives to illuminate such darkness.    

learning, loving, and being loved.

i am fool to think that i can do anything for the glory of God, or that i can change the world.  but i am just as much a fool to forget that God can do anything for His glory, and that He is, in fact, changing the world.  

i was a fool to think that i was going to come to haiti and be a part of some great thing.  but i was just as much a fool to forget that God does nothing without purpose, that God brought me here with a purpose, and that God has been, and will always be, bringing about redemption in my life, and the lives of everything around me.  

i came here to serve.  and i am trying to serve.  come to find out, sometimes serving is harder than you might think.  but i am learning, because God is teaching me.  and i am loving, because God is love in me.  and i am being loved, by God, by countless little orphan boys, by some very kind and gentle haitian people, and by one precious little haitian dog.  

in the midst of everything stands the loving-kindness of the Crucified.

[ O, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! 

      how unsearchable his judgments, 
      and his paths beyond tracing out! 
   "who has known the mind of the Lord? 
      or who has been his counselor?"
   "who has ever given to God, 
      that God should repay him?"
    for from him and through him and to him are all things. 
      to him be the glory forever! Amen. ]

Beauty.

yesterday we went to the mountains, and i was reminded of the Beauty of the spiritual life, the life of those who abandon themselves fully to the Love of God, to living in the Peace and Joy of His presence, and to Hope in Obedience and Faith.

[ let us walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. ]

peace and joy.

i have come to believe even more that joy is not happiness and that peace has so little to do with prosperity.  perhaps joy is that which sustains you in the midst of your greatest suffering, and peace is what gives you the strength to respond with hope in the midst of despair. perhaps peace is knowing that you are with God, and joy is knowing that Christ suffers with you.