disconfidence

i have to apologize, because i have done a poor job of sharing with you about my time here in haiti.  my mom told me that some of you have asked about things here, and i confess that even she cannot tell you much of the details.  and i am not sure why details are so difficult for me to communicate.  partly it is because of my romanticized view of writing, in which i desire to sound intelligent and philosophical and wise, none of which i am.  partly it is because i am a cynic and a pessimist, and i am aware of this, and i do not wish for you to see this.  i loath complaining, yet i am quite prone to it myself.  partly it is because i am too tired.  physically i am not often that tired.  but mentally and spiritually and emotionally, it feels as though i am always tired.  and i do not want for you to think that i am suffering greatly, because i am not.  haiti may be a poor place, but i am still rich.  it is just that this life is very different from the one that i am used to, and it is taking me quite a while to adjust, and when it comes time to write, i rarely feel confident to communicate the details of my life in a way that conveys joy or hope or peace or truth.  and also, most times i feel embarrassed by how little i really have to share.  the difficulties are numerous, though i still believe that they are blessings.  and the joys are so small that i often am afraid to try to share them, for fear that reason will convince me that they are too small to be joyous.  i do not believe that, and i eagerly hope for the confidence to soon share them with you.