grace.

sometimes i think that there are days that you should do everything you can to make pass as quickly as possible.  like the day when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning with very little sleep and drive to the airport and watch your little brother check his bags to get on a plane headed for china.  the feeling of sadness, of emptiness, is really almost unbearable.  but worse is the feeling that i let the time slip away too quickly, the feeling that i didn't appreciate the time we had together enough and that now it is gone, and the next is a long way off.  but worse is the feeling that i let the time slip away because i was too focused on myself, too focused on my own thoughts and my own circumstances and my own desires. . . 

but then i wonder if there are no such days, no days that are best passed quickly.  i wonder if even those days, the ones which seem almost unbearable, the ones we wish could just be over, have something beautiful for us, some gift that God has been longing to give us, and has been waiting for just that right moment.  and while all i can think of is what a jerk i have continued to be, how selfish, how foolish, how squanderous, and while i feel an almost overwhelming hopelessness that what i had longed so much for came and i did not grasp it and now it is gone gone, i wonder what mystery God is longing to reveal to me.  

this morning i prayed for healing for all of the relationships that i have hurt.  i confessed that i have not loved others, especially my brothers, especially my family, as God has loved me.  i prayed that God would restore the unity of His Spirit.  i prayed that God would grant me peace in my heart and strength in my spirit.  and now i am praying that God would remind me of the joy that i have known and the hope that i have that i am being redeemed, that one day i will know how to love.  

amazing grace how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost but now am found

was blind but now i see

may Your Grace, Loving God, heal me.  

may it set me free to love and to die.  

may the world see Your Love in me.  

may it see Your Love through me.