i know that Jesus said that we should not be anxious, and it is repeated throughout scripture. but still i am anxious. He said to have faith, yet still i doubt. He said not to worry about tomorrow, yet still i lose sleep. and He says, "follow me," and i say, "but what if i can't? what if i get lost? what if i get confused?" and He doesn't seem to say much else. "follow me."
and so i am trying. i doubt, but i try to follow Him. i fear, but i try to follow Him. i get confused and frustrated and angry and discouraged, but still, i try to follow Him. and i am beginning to see that He is leading. i trust that He is leading.
i don't know how things work out. i have never really been privy to God's plans. i have never been sure. i have never had clarity. but as a story about mother teresa suggests, rather than pray for clarity, i try to pray for trust.
today was missions sunday at church. my older brother josh gave a wonderful sermon. my younger brother gabe spoke eloquently about his first year as an english teacher sharing the Gospel in china. and i have to admit that i felt much of the time like a confused child who hasn't got a clue. and i don't. but as josh was speaking about simply obeying God (teaching from genesis chapter six about the 100-year period between the time that God spoke to noah and the time of the flood) and as gabe was sharing about the opportunities that God provided to share the Light of the Gospel, i began to see the beauty of unknowing. and i was reminded of the certainty of God's faithfulness.
it is wonderful to see doubt transformed into faith, and to see weakness made strong in that faith. and i am in awe to think that God would use a fool like me to shine the brilliance of His Glory into this dark world, to bring about the Hope of Redemption.
may Hope illuminate our hearts and minds in Christ our Lord. and may we be filled with that Peace which surpasses all understanding.
and may Christ have mercy.
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