i am thankful for your love. i am thankful for your concern and your compassion and the prayers and words that flow from them. i am thankful for my life. but my life is not my own. it has been given so that it may be given again, and i confess that this is where i am not doing that well today. i arrived home, to safety and security, on friday afternoon, and i have wrestled daily and most hourly with the decision that brought me here. i believe in and trust completely the sovereignty of the Holy God who has given me life and preserved it. i suppose that now my struggle is not so much one of faith as it is a struggle with my own devices, with my thoughts and my feelings; it is, i imagine, the great struggle with the tension between losing my life and saving it. i confess that today, and now for many days, i do not imagine much worth saving. i went to Haiti because i believed that i should give up my life for the Gospel, for Love and for Hope and for Peace. and there came a moment when it appeared my life might be in danger. and so i, among so many others, left the place in which i had only so recently began to embrace that struggle of losing life, and had begun to see so much Light, so much Hope, and feel so much Life.
by now, i imagine that there is very little that i can tell you about the earthquake that you do not already know. the news has been very thorough, and while i do not trust the establishment press and their motives, the facts, for the most part, remain the same. and with regards to the story beneath the facts, i am not sure that i can tell to begin with. for the most part, i would only like to say that it is probably worse than they or i can make it out to be. it will probably take longer, and the toll will be greater. as i have thought often, it seems that the worst became worse. and so i ask you to consider and invest in the future.
i do not wish to add my opinions and sentiments to the doublespeak. if i am to write, i wish always to be honest in my writing. if i am to speak, i wish to speak the truth. as i have read over these past few days, it seems that perhaps it is not possible to speak or write honestly at a time such as this. perhaps emotions and motives are simply too strong. and perhaps it is in times such as these that the true heart of man emerges.
i do not know what to say. what i wish to say, i do not know how. and in honesty, i do not feel like going over the events again in my head and in my heart to try to write them down. right now, i feel that perhaps that the only thing i have worth writing has already been written, and perhaps it is the most honest i can be.
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[ january 12,
this afternoon just before 4, we left to take the boys on a walk. we had gone up to the plateau and over to the green bridge and were walking down the dirt road that leads to Guitton. the ground began to rumble for a few seconds, long enough to realize and wonder at, and then began to shake violently. it seemed as if everything was moving several feet in every direction. even thinking about it now, it is so surreal. i never would have imagined experiencing an earthquake. and not in Haiti.
we are fine. everything and everyone at the mission is fine. we have some minor damage and had some minor injuries. but it could have been so much worse. and now all that i can really do is hope that there is something that i can do.
who knows what this will mean for us. who knows how it may change things. but for the people of Haiti, things have changed. life just got harder. and if ever there was a need for hope, and a need for light to shine, it is now. God give us Light. ]
[ january 15,
what should someone think during a time like this? how should someone feel? there are too many thoughts. there are too many feelings. i think that i feel that i don't want to think or feel. i would like to sit. i would like to be quiet. i would like to be still.
the devastation brought on by this earthquake is not only physical. some people seem to be hoping that this will be that thing that causes Haiti to hit rock bottom, and that, as we all know, sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so that we might see more clearly, perhaps. really, they say, or think, so that we might see Jesus, or realize our need for Him. maybe they are too evangelical and i should have no such hope. maybe i am still too cynical and such hope is all that i have.
but again, i don't know what to think. and at the moment i see little use in speculating and theorizing and theologizing. i know only what i have seen and heard. i know that a lot of things have been destroyed. i know that a lot of people have died and lot more are wounded. i know that Haiti's government, which never before truly intended to help the Haitian people, is badly wounded. i know that Haiti is very discouraged, very afraid, very sad. i know that if Haiti can recover it will take a very long time and will be a very difficult process.
i am sad. i am sad that many people lost their lives, that many people lost their family and friends. i am sad that many people have lost their home, their houses and their cities. i am sad that many people have lost their work. i am sad that so many people are suffering, that they have no response but sadness. they are afraid, and it seems as thought they should be. they are worried, and why wouldn't they be? they have no hope, and why would they? the worst has become worse.
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God have mercy! Lord, make haste to help me. i don't know where i am. i don't know what i am doing. i don't know what You are doing. i am lost. i am confused. i am afraid. is my world also crumbling? where do i go? how do i rebuild? refugee? pilgrim? wanderer?
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three days ago i was praising God for His mercy. having been wracked with grief as i returned to Haiti, my soul was overflowing with praise for the peace which He had given me. i was thanking Him for the faith which He had given, that He is my life, that He would sustain me, that i could make it. and i was thanking Him for the new sight that i had received, that i had truly begun to live in His light. ]
[ january 16,
i don't understand all of this. my heart cannot understand. and there is nothing that can ease the sadness. the pain is real, it is great, and its effects are lasting. i don't want to think about it too much. but i absolutely do not want to think about it too little. i do not want to forget.
Father, i know that You are good. You are Love, and Love does not fail, it does not cease. You have not forgotten Haiti, and You have not stopped loving them. You have not forgotten me, and You have not stopped loving me. You know exactly where we are. You know exactly where we will go.
i feel helpless. i feel like there is nothing i can do. perhaps there is nothing that i can do. but i will trust You. i will seek You. and i will pray.
[ for they could not have done anything
unless His wisdom had permitted it,
and He could not suffer except that in His mercy
He willed it.
they chose you
that they might carry out their evil deeds;
He chose you
that He might fulfill the work of goodness.
they that by you
they might hand over the righteous to death;
He that through you
He might save sinners from death.
they that they might kill life;
He that He might destroy death. ]
- from St. Anselm's
Prayer to the Holy Cross
God, help me. without You, i cannot make it through this. what can i do? what should i do? please show me, Merciful God. please hold me together in Your grace, in Your peace, and in Your mercy. wrap me in Your protection, that evil would not get to me. hide me in Your faithfulness and in Your hope. cover me with love. protect me from frustration, from discouragement, from anger, and from judgment.
O God, have mercy on me!
i know that You have a plan, for me, for Jay and Diana and Jeremy, for Lespwa, for Haiti. i don't know why all of this has happened. i don't know why i have come home. but whether it was Your will or not, it has happened. whether it was best or not, i am home. and i trust that You did not forget me, that even now Your hand is upon me. even now as i feel so close to the edge of despair, You are leading me. and wherever You lead, O God, i will follow. ]
reading that again, and writing it down, i see how much it has been about me. it has always been about me, and, i suppose, in some very real way, will always be about me. and i suppose that my sorrow comes not so much from what is happening in Haiti, because, in reality, it has always been happening, and will continue, not only in Haiti, but all over the world. i know that God is God, that He is Light, that He is Love. i know that there is Hope. i know that those who are His will be saved. tragically, those who are not will perish. but the suffering we see in the physical pales next to the suffering that exists in the spiritual. and i am not sad because people are sick or hungry or homeless. i am sad because people are spiritually dead and dying. and i am grieving because once again, i feel the distance between my beliefs and my own living.
i want to be in Haiti. i want to return soon. i hope to return soon. but i know and believe that i do not need to go to Haiti to lose my life, and to find it. i do not need to go to Haiti to be a light. i do not need to go to Haiti to follow Christ and to serve the Gospel. perhaps all i can do is stay where i am. perhaps all i can do is become more. perhaps all i can do is have faith, and pray.
i want to help. and i know that many of you do to. unfortunately, i do not have many suggestions for how you might do that. my first, however, is to wait, and to pray. the relief effort in Haiti is important. i believe that it is already well-funded. but i believe that there will come a time when the relief effort is over, and life in Haiti will try to go on. and i believe that time will be one of desperate need. i am not suggesting to do nothing now. i am only suggesting that then is just as important.
[ Lord, give me the courage to look at myself,
the honesty to admit my faults and limitations,
the sincerity to try self-improvement,
and the love for You that will keep me at it
for the rest of my life.
let me not be concerned about matters that are
beyond my control,
except to petition Your help.
for the rest, let me really live the words:
"Thy will be done."
Amen. ]
i do ask your prayers. the orphanage that we left is run by a Haitian couple name Joseph and Madamn Menos, as well as by Pastor Charles wife. i trust that they are being cared for. and though our mission escaped the devastation of Port Au Prince and many other areas, our family there will not escape the effects. we know that there are many in our village who have lost homes and are likely sleeping at the mission. much of Charles' family is now living at the mission. food, water, and fuel shortages are likely, and so i ask your prayers for provision and protection. and i ask your prayers for hope.
i also ask your prayers for myself. i am asking that God will give me faith, but also that He will return me to Haiti. i am asking that He will guide me patiently and calmly through the process of returning and, should i not return, through the sorrow of staying. and i am asking, as i imagine we all are, that He would use this season to draw men to Himself, myself not excluded.
thank you for your love and for your prayers.
may we give ourselves to God.
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