trip

jay's brother elliott is planning a trip for december 15-22.  anyone is welcome.  do ask questions if you are interested.  i personally would love to have you with me for a time.

Joy!

I
i don't particularly enjoy trying to recount the details of life.  i have been an eager journaler for quite some time, yet rarely do i sit down and try to write about the specifics of my days.  i suppose that it is how my mind works, that i do not process information in such a fashion as to be able to write this way without much difficulty.  and most of the time i do not question whether i should attempt to operate differently.   for the most part, i feel all is well.

there have been times during these past few weeks, however, when i have wished greatly to be able to recall to mind the details of my days, that i might share them, that someone else might have a glimpse into this life that i have been given.

II
today has been rather quiet.  i have felt a growing conviction and desire in recent years to observe the Lord's Day as a day of rest and a day of peace.  i have often been troubled by the almost complete neglect of the Sacrament of Sabbath presently among Christians, and have begun to see what i can only describe as a tremendous dichotomy between Scripture's teaching on Sabbath and the reflection of this teaching in the lives of modern Christians.  and in transitioning into life in this very different culture, i have sensed that God has provided me with an opportunity to make a more ardent effort to observe Sabbath Rest and Sabbath Faith.

III
church was beautiful again today.  bobi was there again, and she was causing madanm menos quite a fuss.   it causes me tremendous grief, the way the haitian people generally treat animals.  i cannot understand how God's children, known and loved by God, given eyes to see the beauty and glory of His Creation, can treat with such contempt any of His cherished creatures.  but haitians in general seem to see animals in general as vile creatures, necessarily receiving all of the harshness and hatred that exists in man's power and authority.  it has been pointed out to me that it is in man's fallen nature to desire power, to seek authority, and in a land where most people feel largely powerless, it is understandable that people would seek that authority over whatever is "lower" than themselves.  i hear the explanation, thought i cannot understand it.   my heart breaks daily when i hear bobi's sudden helpless cries echoing throughout the house, simply because someone happened to have the fortune of coming upon her in a helpless position.  or when i hear the groans of a mule or bull clearly being overburdened or abused for not performing well enough. some are far worse than others, but there are few who appear to have even the slightest inkling of compassion or mercy.  and so madanm menos was having a fuss because bobi was trying to come near her, and she would not have it.

our friend ben, who is a missionary with the orthodox presbyterian church, and his family were with us today, and ben gave a beautiful sermon in church about suffering with Christ and what it means to become the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.  his words were beautiful to my ears, especially having felt, at times, quite discouraged by what appears here to be an absence of the humble servitude which Our Lord displayed and taught us to emulate.

IV
after church we sat around the table with ben and his family and pastor charles.  i didn't eat (tuna sandwiches) but somehow left the table feeling rather satisfied, and tried to thank God for the opportunity to be poor.  it was a beautiful day, and so i decided to take my book and sit out front in the shade and read.  my quiet moment did not last long, and i soon went over to the orphanage to sit out front and play checkers with alexander, charles' son and our friend.

madanm menos, who had a fuss with bobi during church, is the caregiver of the boys in the orphanage.   to me, she seems to be an okay caregiver and a terribly harsh disciplinarian. (might i mention that today in church, we think we heard that the orphanage may soon begin to house girls on the second floor, thus no longer being an all-boys orphanage.  that is joyful news to us all, but especially our lonesome diana, who is certainly due the company of a few more girls.  also our friend shannon will hopefully be joining us soon to help with the orphanage.) there is an adorable little boy named Sedrach who lives at the orphanage.  my american friends all call him crazy, which hurts my heart, because he is absolutely precious.  but i must admit, there must be something wrong with him.  he doesn't function like the other boys, and throws far more fits, and tends to be slightly, if not more, inappropriate.  my guess is that he has been severely abused, physically if not also sexually.  today, while alexander and i were playing checkers, one of the other boys ended up face first on the ground beneath the three foot dropoff in front of the orphanage. (the orphanage is built over an overflow stream bed, so there are stairs in the front and what looks kind of like a stage, three feet off the ground.  great for little boys.) he was hysterical, and the other boys immediately pointed to Sedrach.  so jay picked the screaming little boy up and took him inside, and alexander took Sedrach inside.  within seconds he began screaming terribly as madanm menos whipped him with a belt.  it was more than i could bear, and the thought of those children being disciplined so severely, with what seems like so little love, crushed my heart.  i lost that game of checkers.

V
this evening pastor charles fired his long-time security guard gito, whom we all love very much. we are not sure at all why he was fired, except that pastor charles says that he can no longer trust him and seems to think that he took advantage of his living situation.  i certainly cannot judge, but i cannot help but feel like gito has not been shown mercy, not the mercy that Christ has shown us, not the mercy that Christ has taught us that we ought to show others.  it seems like, again, justice has triumphed over mercy.  i can only ask God to allow me to trust Him, and continue to show me mercy.

VI
we went to church again this evening.  there were not very many people, but i thought that it was beautiful.  i did not have a hymnal, but i enjoyed humming along as best i could.  i think a few people thought i was a bit nutty, but i was overjoyed to be there, to lift my voice as i could to God.  God has shown me so much of the beauty of His Church, of our unity together, of the sacredness of His people gathering to worship Him with pure hearts. during the sermon Sedrach sat in my lap and wore my glasses and played with my watch, and it didn't matter that i couldn't understand what was said, because i felt as if i were holding Jesus.

VII
it is thundering, and i am reflecting on this Lord's Day while i wait for the rain.  i pray earnestly that you might know the joy that is in my heart, the joy that God has given me in faith, as love works itself deeper into my soul and releases me to have the fullness of this life with Christ. i pray that we might have His peace always, that His mercies might be multiplied greatly, and that we might all be made rich in the poverty of Our Lord Jesus Christ.  to Him be all glory and honor and praise!

Solace is an old woman.

today has been long.  time has, on more than one occasion, seemed to be suspended overhead, almost mockingly so.  "look at me!  i am time, and i am not moving."  no, time, you aren't moving.  the stillness of time has been one of the least welcome realities these first few weeks. because another reality is that certain things will only happen with the passage of time, and i would really like for some of those things to happen quickly.  familiarity always comes slowly. i still move about my new home with timidity.  though, despite some complaints, i have found faithful Solace in the kitchen.  she is a homely old woman with dirt under her fingernails and a fetid rag over her shoulder, but she moves slowly and always welcomes company.  tonight we visited as i tidied up from dinner and enjoyed the coming of the night's storm.   

yesterday diana asked me if i ever get frustrated about learning creole.  i said that i don't and proceeded to tell her why.  i had already thought about it, because i have been able to tell that the others are frustrated.  i told her that we have not been here long, and i don't really expect to learn quickly.  i said also that learning creole is not really my highest priority.  i would really like to know creole, and it is hard not being able to communicate, but i feel like there are other important things to focus on, too.  for one, i believe that my time with God is more important than anything, because if i am not living my days in His presence i have nothing.  i will not be able to learn creole.  i will not be able to love or to serve.  also, i have just thought that God has a plan for us, and learning creole is a part of that plan, i am sure, but the rest is not and cannot be contingent on that.  i have wondered if for some reason we were to leave in a week or two or even longer, would we have had any impact here? and i thought that if i spend all of my time trying to learn creole, surely i won't have any impact.  but if i can trust that things will take shape in time, and try to focus on being here, on learning to live here, learning to love and to serve, then surely i will learn creole, and surely Christ's light will shine.  

i read a lot today.  if you are willing to read my words, i hope that you will more eagerly read these:

[ God never tied man's salvation to any pattern of life. . . .  so one must be permeated with the divine Presence, informed with the form of the beloved God who is within him, so that he may radiate that Presence without working at it. . . .

you will never hear an obedient person saying: "i want it so and so; i must have this or that."  you will hear only of utter denial of self. . . . "Lord, give me nothing but what Thou wilt and dost - Lord, what and how Thou wilt in every detail". . . .

a pure heart is one that is unencumbered, unworried, uncommitted, and which does not want its own way about anything but which, rather, is submerged in the loving will of God, having denied self. . . .

there can be no restlessness unless it come from self-will. . . .  when you are thwarted, it is your own attitude that is out of order. . . .  if you do not first get away from self, then whatever else you get away from you will still find obstacles and restlessness. . . .  let everyone begin by denying self and in so doing he will have denied all else. . . .  "to give up your little bit willingly is to give up not this alone but all that worldly people seek after, indeed all they could possibly desire". . . .  for what you do not desire you let go, and let go for the sake of God.  thus our Lord says: "blessed are the poor in spirit" - that is, [those devoid] of will and there should be no doubt that if there is a better way, the Lord would have mentioned it. . . .

know that no man in this life ever gave up so much that he could not find something else to let go. . . .  to the extent that you eliminate self from your activities, God comes into them - but not more and no less. . . people ought not to consider so much what they are to do as what they are;  let them but be good and their ways and deeds will shine brightly. . . .  do not think that saintliness comes from occupation; it depends rather on what one is. . . .  thus take care that your emphasis is laid on being good and not on the number or kind of thing to be done. . . .

everything comes to him who truly comes to God, bringing all divinity with it, while all that is strange and alien flies away. . . . ]

                        

                      - excerpts from the talks of instruction, meister eckhart

i intended to mention some things that i hope you could be praying for, but i now feel a loss of words.  perhaps you could pray for continued peace, and a quiet mind (i have yet to experience), and insurmountable joy.  

thank you for loving me.  i feel it right now.  would you give my mother a hug?

grace and peace to you in Christ our Lord, our Joy and our Hope.

faith hope love

[ all things are possible to him who believes,

    they are less difficult to him who hopes,

       they are easier to him who loves,

  and still more easy to him who practices and perseveres

                                in these three virtues.                                   ]

                                                    - brother lawrence

i wonder why we have given up the pursuit of virtue.  why have we stopped asking God that we might be virtuous?  we could be saints, if only we believed.  we could be saints, if only we practiced.  but we have contented ourselves with far less than saintliness.  we have counted the cost, and the cost is too great.  we have believed the lie that following Jesus is easy, and so we have thrown out the difficult.  we have made idols of our freedom, and so have scorned all rules.  but it has not always been so.  there have been many men and women who shouted, "no!  i will not believe the lies.  i will not be seduced by this world.  i will not settle for a mediocre faith.  surely i would rather die and be with my Lord.  surely i must live and die with my Lord."  and i believe that there are still those men and women, and that their voices are still heard.  and also is that voice still heard, which biddeth, come, abide in me.  and do we abide?

a swollen river and loneliness.

the river has grown today.  i think that it is angry about being confined to such a narrow space.  and it seems to be a darker brown than usual.  jeremy and i were out earlier and noticed they had already locked the gates up tight and propped bars up against them in the back.  i wonder if they are worried.  i guess all of the rain from the mountains over this past week has finally made its way down to the valley.

the sound is noticeably louder up here in the guest room.  it is loud enough to drown out all of the typical evening village noises, although people might just be bunkering down for the night.  but i keep imagining myself sitting in a cabin on a river in the woods of north carolina or tennessee.  and it makes me sad that i didn't bring any wendell berry books with me.  but it is a nice sentiment to help take the edge off of the loneliness that arrived this morning.  i am sure that i will dream well tonight.

[bathe in the river of peace.]

legliz.

we walked to church this morning.  we arrived toward the end of sunday school, which is really just the first half of the service but more interactive and less formal.  it was nice to walk to church.  i love not being in cars.  

bobi came to church.  she slept through the sermon.  the chickens came too.  their voices were lovely, especially during the songs, and were a beautiful reminder that God doesn't care if we know the words.  He just wants to hear us sing.  

the boys made it over from the orphanage a little late.  but they came smiling, and were very orderly in finding their seats.  most of them sat next to us, and on our laps, and we held them and thanked Jesus for His love, and for His Church.  

if i could truly explain, you may not truly understand.  

were i to speak, you may not hear.

O God of peace, rend my heart, that i might no longer be torn between the gods of this world and You, the Almighty, the Everlasting.  set me apart, that my affections would no longer be stirred by the things of this world.  show me, O Lord, the fullness of detachment.  grant that i might not be deceived, that lies would not prevent me from hearing Your truth, from following Your ways.  may nothing from the mouth of this world ever keep me from believing and obeying Your Word.  if i am to err, grant that i might do so in taking Your Word too literally, rather than risk taking it too figuratively.  

[ O Lord my God, make me

        submissive without protest,

        poor without discouragement,

        chaste without regret,

        patient without complaint,

        humble without posturing,

        cheerful without frivolity,

        mature without gloom,

        and quick-witted without flippancy. ]

                                         - st. thomas aquinas

[ God often permits that we should suffer a little to purify our souls and oblige us to continue with Him.]

                                                                                 - brother lawrence