a prayer of desperation.

O Father,

     grant me the strength to rise in the morning,

          to take my meals,

               and to share in the work.

O Father,

     grant me the strength to listen,

          on occasion to speak,

               and always to sing.

O Father,

     grant that if i have nothing else to give

          i might give continually of Your Love.  

O Father,

     grant that i might pray.  

a prayer for progress.

God of Light, 

     Brightness of Truth,

          Radiance of Hope!

You were waiting for me this morning.

     You are always waiting.

You have been waiting all of this time,

          patiently, faithfully.

     now we stand here in this place,

          in the presence of all of this Beauty,

               and do i look back?

O, for what wretched thing could i be 

          such a fool to look back?

     could what was compare

          to what is or what is to come?

surely You have led me to this place

     and You will lead me on.

Father, grant unto me peace

          and contentment.

grant unto me pure faith,

     that i might trust in this life

         which You have prepared for me.

grant that i might have faith 

     to let go of that which has passed,

          trusting in that which will come.

grant unto me a spirit of thankfulness

               for all relationships,

     that i might be willing to see them go 

                        in their time,

          and that i will trust that You will 

               preserve those which are necessary 

                        for my life.

grant that i might love all men charitably

     and that i might with wisdom

          seek those whom You have brought to

                    special attention.

grant that i might before all things,

          O Most Holy God,

     worship You in the stillness of Eternity.

                                                    Amen.

thank you.

i wish to express my thankfulness to everyone who has been praying for my health this week, and for all of the words of encouragement.  

i did spend a few days in the hospital at the beginning of the week with an intestinal infection and some kidney stones.  i am fine now, back at home recovering, trying to regain my strength and get rid of the rest of whatever it is that is poking at my insides. 

it has been of great comfort to know that your thoughts and prayers have been with me.  i love you all, and hope to see many of you soon.  

peace of Christ, and grace in abundance.  

answers.

sometimes we pray.  we ask God to heal us, and He doesn't.  so we go see a doctor and the doctor heals us.  and i do not understand this.  i do not understand why the God of the universe, a Loving God, would stay silent at the cries of the hurting and mourning and dying and not comfort and heal.  i do not understand why He would instead allow a sinful man to do the healing.  but i am learning that this spiritual life we seek to live is a life far fuller of mysteries than i am often okay with.  i am learning that there is so much more going on than my insignificant imagination can imagine.  and i am learning that my knowledge still sits somewhere at the bottom of the path to His truth and understanding.  i am learning that the easiest and quickest answers are most often the wrong ones, and that if i were to truly seek God, i should begin by seeking new words for tired ideas.  

[ i do not refuse to answer the questions.  i simply answer that the true answers themselves are great mysteries, that the stated answers vary one from the next only in form and by degree of direction, in relatively equal distance, from the Origin of truth. ]

may God grant me a new faith,

     one that prefers the faithfulness of silence and awe

          to the confidence of correct answers. 

may He grant me the humility of Love and stupidity,

     that i might serve Him not with strong words

          but with compassionate hands and a gentle embrace.  

may God be glorified in my weakness,

     and may i be humbled by my strength. 

a prayer for movement.

Father, i long to be in Your presence,

     to be wrapped in the wings of Your Peace.

i long for the inner solitude of faith and devotion.

i long for contentment, O God.

surely You would not have led me here

     if i could not remain in Your presence in this place,

          if the distractions of this life were too great.

surely You would not have given me this good work

     if in doing it i would remain far from You.

teach me, O God,

     that i might know the way of pure devotion.

teach me, O God,

     that i might with wisdom take my steps.

teach me, O God, 

     that i might know the right measure of detachment.

teach me, O God,

     that i might know the true look of sacrifice.

grant unto me, my God,

     that i might find You

          amidst the noise,

          amidst the distractions,

          amidst the confusion,

          amidst the busyness of this life.

grant unto me, my God,

     that i might see beyond the immediate circumstances,

          to see Your Eternal movement

               and Your Divine and Loving will. 

grant unto me the Peace of Your presence,

     and the comfort of Holy Contentment.

grant that i might serve with gladness,

     in all things reaching out toward the God of Eternity,

          embracing the movement of my own spirit towards 

               Salvation and Redemption.

and grant unto me, Loving God,

     the humility of that same Love.  

an update of sorts.

there is so much that i wish i could tell you.  

over the past month or so, we have been making some progress.  we've been figuring things out a bit more.  i think we cleared the first major curve.  

tonight we had a meeting with Pastor Charles.  i don't call him Pastor Charles, just Charles, because he is my friend and because i do not like titles and because i do not want to be called Missionary Zack.  Charles shared with us about his vision for this ministry, the vision he had twelve years ago when he started.  he shared his thoughts on where things have gone and how they are going.  and he asked for help.  "i need help.  i am asking for help.  i am crying for help.  what can you do to help me?"

i got the chills just now writing that.  because for me, it was what i have been waiting for all of these past three months.  i did not come here to relax.  i did not come here to experience life in the third world.  i came here because the Gospel calls me to serve, to lay down my life for the Kingdom of Heaven, and because i felt the gentle voice of God telling me that this is where He wants for me to do that.  and i have long been tired of living for myself.  

but it has been hard.  most days, i still feel like i don't know what i'm doing, or that i can't do anything at all.  and even during this past month, since i have been given the responsibility of overseeing construction for the ministry, i have felt like actually performing that role is an impossibility.  and i felt alone in my efforts.  

there is nothing easy, nothing that lacks difficulty living here.  haiti is hard.  i have heard many people say how awful it is here, how frustrating, how discouraging, how this place will eat you.  but then there is always the refrain:  but it's worth it.  and i believe that it is too.

tonight we talked.  Charles was asking for help.  and by the grace of God we responded.  we shared our hearts, our thoughts, our vision, our hope.  we met in the place that God had arranged for us tonight.  and we have begun.  things are going to change.  

after our meeting with Charles, we sat down as a team to talk about what we had talked about.  we were all encouraged.  we talked about what our new roles would mean.  we talked about how different it will be to wake up each day with purpose, knowing what we should set out to do, where we fit in.  and we talked about money.  because with our new roles comes new need.  because we have been given authority and responsibility and opportunity.  and now we have to figure out how to make all of the things that we've been talking about a reality.  

i hope to write more later.  as i have said before, i do not really like writing about details.  but i want very much that you would be able to see into this place, to see the life that God has given us.  i would like for you to be able to see into this world, to see how the Gospel flows here. for now, i do ask for your prayers.  part of my new responsibility is to oversee construction.  this basically means to decide what to do and when and how to do it and to make sure that it is done well.  there is much to be done, and it certainly seems that nothing is ever done easily. so please pray for patience, and for wisdom, and that i would lead with Love, that i could be an example to these men of Godliness, that i would enjoy my work, that i could stop thinking about it all at night and go to sleep.  also, i will taking on most [all] of the responsibility of managing the campus here.  maybe i should have listened in my leadership management class.  

let us walk in Love . . .