mission

i am supposed to be at a wedding.  american weddings overwhelm me.  so far, haitian ones do too.  jeremy and i came back to the house to wait it out for a while.  i am listening to iron and wine and reading from the alternative seminary website.  i like this:

[ we are Christians who believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord. we believe that Jesus proclaims and inaugurates the reign of God. we believe that the Gospel of Jesus embodies God's will for our world. we believe that our lives are to be committed to radical Christian discipleship.

we believe that the Church -- those who profess Jesus as Lord --is in its authentic form "ecclesia," "called out," a body distinct from culture and called to a mission of reconciliation, concern for the poor, and new understandings of power, justice, and community. we are concerned that the Church in this culture desperately needs to be revitalized. the institutional church has been largely co-opted by the values of this culture and has failed to be a radical presence true to the biblical spirit. we desire in some way, guided by the Holy Spirit, to revitalize the Church. ]

a small prayer.

O Great God, i am broken,

     and i am thankful.

i am so weak,

     and You are strong.

i am so blind,

     and You are Light.

i have made so many wrongs, and yet

     You are not afraid.

          You are not disheartened.

               You are not grieving.

rejoice, O my soul, in the Lord!

     your strength,

          your salvation!

may i live by Faith,

     walk in Hope,

          and shine with Love.

please, Conspire!

yes, Thanks.

[ when the grace has gone we no longer seek to reflect on it, because we realize that it belongs to another order of things, and that it will be in some sense debased by our reflecting on it.  such prayer desires no witness, even the witness of our own souls.  it seeks to keep itself entirely hidden in God. ]

                                                            - Thomas Merton   

i wish that i understood some things better.  for example, i wish that i understood the role of relationships in my life, in the spiritual life, in the life of the kingdom of heaven.  i wish that i better understood how to order my own life, how and when to be alone, to be silent, to seek solitude, and how and when to be with others, to speak, to seek community.  these past few weeks have been really beautiful, and my spirit has been enjoying inner peace and rest.  i have thought it better to at least try to be alone with God, to be content to be alone with Him, rather than always trying to maintain that flicker of connectedness with the people that i love and miss.  i have felt a fullness in the presence of God that has revealed to me what i see as the emptiness and deceptiveness of virtual connectedness with people.  

but today is Thanksgiving.  to many or most, it celebrates family and friends as much as anything else.  i suppose that is because, for most, family and friends are that which they are and will always be most thankful for.  i woke up thinking about these things.  and they are true. almost.  

i think that i will spend the rest of today thinking about what i am truly most thankful for, and how i might truly live a life of thankfulness.  and perhaps it is only because i am not with my family, and i am not with my friends; perhaps it is because of the ever-present feelings of loneliness and isolation, in varying degrees, that i always feel here. perhaps it is exactly because i believe that those feelings are gifts from God to draw me to Himself, to secure me in a life devoted to His love, devoted in thankfulness to Him, devoted to living in solitude with Him. but today, i am not able to think with such high thoughts of my family and friends, deeply loved as they are, deeply dear to me as they are.  and perhaps that is because i do not have them, and because God is pouring Himself into me, filling my heart and my mind with such high thoughts of Him, that i might thank Him, that i might worship Him, that i might be reminding of my life which is in Him.  

i do love you.  i do miss you, terribly.  i will be thinking of you today, with joy and maybe a few tears.  and i will be praying that your hearts would be captivated with true thankfulness, the kind that comes not from sentimentality, but from the Spirit of the Living God.  

learning, living, and searching for solitude.

it is raining now.  a tranquil end to a long, bustling day.  it hasn't been raining.  it has been dry.

we took a step out into independence today.  we claimed our little bit of responsibility, of authority.  and in the end, the decision came that we will now learn how to run the orphanage.  

we drove ourselves today.  i drove for nearly four hours across Port Au Prince and back.  we had some near disasters.  we had some recoveries. we made it home, not without difficulty, but safely.  

a few guys have been working on the water tower, laying blocks for the windows and plastering the walls.  hopefully i will have a new home soon.  

there is so much to learn.  

there is so much to live.  

a prayer for the moments.

grant that i might live beyond myself, O God.  

i am not living, unless i live only for You,

     unless i am living only to Love You.

guide me through the days in peace, O God of Light.

[blessed brokenness.]

unutterable things uttered.

[ the at present unutterable things we may find somewhere uttered. these same questions that disturb and puzzle and confound us have in their turn occurred to all the wise men; not one has been omitted; and each has answered them, according to his ability, by his words and his life. ]  

                                                                - henry david thoreau

st. marc

when i saw these buildings, i was reminded of my love and fascination for old buildings, wooden structures, beautiful in design, skillfully crafted, noble in endurance, no facade of newness.  i was reminded of the kind of man i want to be.  and i was reminded of Hope.  

constraint.

[ it is not good for man to be overly constrained.  the exercise of constraint is one that he must choose for himself, properly aligning the freedom of his own will to choose and the surrender of his own will to the will of God.  if man's will to choose is taken from him my means of constraint, he is not able to perform the mystical acts of surrender which encourage and strengthen the obedience of his faith. ]

unrelated note:  emotional exhaustion is well-combatted by Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas: volumes 1-5.  i'm getting into the spirit.  

Peace and Joy.

  

i feel small. 

i feel okay.  

save me from the waters, O God.  

save me from the noise.

take me to the edge of despair, O God, but keep me from it.

break me.  

heal me.  

Love me, that i might love You.   

an evening prayer.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,

       on earth as it is in Heaven.

grant unto me, my God, a sober mind, 

     that i might see myself as i truly am, with humility.

grant unto me true faith,

     that i might see You as You truly are.

grant unto me a clear perspective,

     that i might see the world as it truly is.

grant unto me a prophetic vision,

     that i might see Your Kingdom on earth

               as it is in Heaven.  

grant that i may understand 

     the physical realities of life on earth,

     the mystical realities of the Kingdom of Heaven, 

     the collision of the two as Redemption is brought unto completion.  

be still and know that I am God

grant unto me, my God, that stillness, that silence,

     which trusts in You,

     which waits for You,

     which watches and listens for You.

grant unto me that humility

     which, like Christ, allows me to be still;

     which, like Christ, allows me to remain silent.

grant unto me that faith 

     which allows humility, stillness, and silence

               because it trusts firmly in Your truth, and in Your laws.

     that faith which leads me 

               to live by Your order,

               to trust in the reality of the Kingdom of Heaven:

     blessed are the poor . . . 

     the first shall be last

          and the last shall be first . . . 

     whoever loses his life shall find it . . . 

     whoever humbles himself shall be exalted . . .  

     the foolish things of this world shall confound the wise, 

          and the weak shall confound the mighty . . . 

a morning prayer.

 let the days pass.

    let the hours pass.

let me live in these moments with You, my God.

    grant that each might be to me as Eternity.

faith hope LOVE

[ therefore, if i trust in God's grace i must also show confidence in the natural powers He has given me, not because they are my powers but because they are His gift.  if i believe in God's grace, i must also take account of my own free will, without which His grace would be poured out upon my soul to no purpose.  if i believe that He can love me, i must also believe that i can love Him.  if i do not believe that i can love Him, then i do not believe Him who gave us the first commandment: "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart and thy whole mind and all thy strength, and thy neighbor as thyself." ]

                                                                 

everyday i question why i am here.  everyday i suffer some small guilt for not doing enough.  everyday i wonder how i can live in a place with so much need and yet sit as if i were crippled and do nothing.  and yet everyday God reminds me that all of my doings are worthless if they are not done for Him, if they are not done of the strength that He has given, if they are not done of a love for Him.  perhaps i came too early. perhaps i needed to learn to love first.  perhaps i needed to learn to trust.  

[ hope deprives us of everything that is not God, in order that all things may serve their true purpose as means to bring us to God. ]

i do not know why i am here.  i do not know what i should do.  i pray everyday that God would order my life wisely.  i pray everyday that He would show me what i ought to do.  some days He does.  some days i sit and wonder.  i have no more confidence than when i arrived.  i feel like i have only become more of a child.  but i have an ever-changing and slowly growing Faith.  i am learning to live by Hope.  and i am being redeemed by Love.  

movement.

everything is spiritual.  everything is either a movement towards or away from the glory of God, towards or away from the Kingdom of Heaven, towards or away from the Resurrection of Love and the Redemption of all things.  everything is a movement towards the life of the Spirit of the Living God, towards His love, His mercy, His goodness, His meekness, or it is a movement towards the spirit of the present age, the spirit of the world, the spirit of death and the Dying One.   

free!

the rain just started.  it's been a while since it rained during the day. today has been noticeably cooler.  i am still not that well.  we've been making bread for church tomorrow.  we decided to double the recipe to make it go faster.  but i don't have the energy to knead this much dough. the kids are playing inside.  they are so loud.  haitians tend to be loud. and even if no one is talking, there is always noise.  i like quiet.  i still have the book of common prayer out on the desk from this morning. still on the page where i opened it.  it has been that kind of day. morning prayer at 4.  i think my spirit reflects it right now.  i am not exactly blossoming peace.  

i did go over to the orphanage.  i was actually headed to the dorm because my stomach hurt, but you can't ignore those 12 little boys when they are screaming your name in unison, and some sort of melody.  i went over and got wound up and ended up chasing them around making growling noises and bearing my teeth.  the look on francois' face said, "you're a fool."  my stomach said, "i'm going to be sick."  but my heart said, "you're free."

i am trying to remember that these days, that i am free.  there is a song that i sang a lot for a while about being free.  it was a good reminder, and was one of the things that really helped me through some rough days.  

i'm free!  praise the Lord, i'm free!

no longer bound!  no more chains holding me!

my soul is resting!  it's such a blessing i see!

praise the Lord, Hallelujah, i'm free!

i haven't been singing it much lately.  i'm ashamed to admit that maybe it's because i had forgotten.  or at least (because i don't really think that we forget), i hadn't really trusted that i am free.  if you're honest with yourself, it's hard to sing when you don't believe what you're singing.  

my tea cup today says, "be still and know that i am God."  it doesn't say who said it, but it must have been a very wise person.  there really is something about stillness, something beautiful, something healing, and yet something that the powers of this world want so much to keep us from.  and i try really hard to be still.  i try very much to trust God with my moments and with my days.  i want to let them flow in ceaseless praise, as the hymn says.

i've got to be honest.  i feel like my thoughts are all over the place. there are some really beautiful things that i want to share, but i don't feel like i've been doing that well lately.  and i am always afraid that my cynical self will show, that my impatient, critical, prideful, unloving self will shine brighter than that tiny little light that seems to get buried so often.  but i really do still feel so much Hope.  i really do feel like God has been faithful, that He has been teaching me about His Gospel, that it is making its way down into my marrow.  i trust that i am a more loving person than i was when i came.  i trust that the Gospel shines brighter.  and so i write trusting that this small light will continue to shine, that you will see past my foolishness, past my pride, past my contrived words, and see the heart of Jesus Christ, who loves me and loves you and loves my new Haitian neighbors that i struggle so much to humble myself before.  but He loves us, and He is working beautifully among us, and His Kingdom is with us.  

i hope that you are well.  i hope that you are experiencing the peace and joy and hope of life in Jesus Christ.  or maybe you are only beginning to see little glimpses like i am, or even just beginning to look.  regardless, i eagerly hope that He will continue to shine all of His brightness upon you, that when you look up and see glory, you will know it is Him.  i love you.  if you didn't feel that the last time i was with you, i hope that you will next time.  i have great faith.  

may grace and peace be with you always, in Christ.  may you lose your life, and find it in Him.    

[  the truth we must love in loving our brothers is the concrete destiny and sanctity that are willed for them by the love of God.  one who really loves another is not merely moved by the desire to see him contented and healthy and prosperous in this world.  love cannot be satisfied with anything so incomplete.  if i am to love my brother, i must somehow enter deep into the mystery of God's love for him.  i must be moved not only by human sympathy but by that divine sympathy which is revealed to us in Jesus and which enriches our own lives by the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our hearts . . .  the truth i must love in my brother is God Himself, living in him.  i must seek the life of the Spirit of God breathing in him.  and i can only discern and follow that mysterious life by the action of the same Holy Spirit living and acting in the depths of my own heart . . .  my love must be to them the "sacrament" of the mysterious and infinitely selfless love God has for them.  my love must be for them the minister not of my own spirit but of the Holy Spirit.  the words i speak to them must be no other than the words of Christ Who deigns to reveal Himself to them in me.  ]

                      

                                                                               - thomas merton

Father, grant that i might rest in this place today.

help me see my life rightly,

with eternal perspective.

grant that i might see through worldly circumstances and events,

to see the eternal,

to see through this world

and see Your Kingdom.

grant that i might see my life,

past, present, and future,

through the eyes of eternity.

grant unto me a Holy Asceticism,

that i might live rightly on this earth,

and live for Your Kingdom.  

shower me with You mercy, O God,

that i might accept Your love,

Your forgiveness.

grant unto me the Peace of Christ,

and the Joy of Salvation. 

grant that i might always be contented to love You alone,

and do all things in that Divine Charity.

Amen. 

send out Thy light and Thy truth, that they may lead me, and bring me unto Thy holy hill, and to Thy dwelling.    - psalm 43:3

Most Merciful God,

i confess that i have sinned against You

in thought, word, and deed, 

by what i have done,

and by what i have left undone.

i have not loved You with my whole heart;

i have not loved my neighbors as myself.

i am truly sorry and i humbly repent.

for the sake of Your Son Jesus Christ,

have mercy on me and forgive me;

that i may delight in Your  will,

and walk in Your ways,

to the glory of Your name.  Amen.

[ i have had a lot of time to think since i came here.  and i have thought more than usual about my past during these past few days.  being here, in a place where all that i knew of myself, the self that i had so painstakingly created, means very little, helps me get by very little, and having left the world that i had so earnestly sought to live in, has led me to reflect greatly on my life, and on parts of it that had been entirely untouched.  it feels as though recently i have given thought to just about anything and everything that i can remember.   i have reflected on most of the major relationships in my life over the past seven or eight years:  people that i have lived with, people that i have worked with, dating relationships, close friendships, family relationships . . .  there are far more than i realized.  and that reflection has led me to reflect on the vast sin in my life, as i have sinned against so many because of my pride, my arrogance, my rebellion and my disobedience.  i have realized that my sin has been not only against men, but it has been foremost against God.  i have not loved men with that Saintly Charity because i have not first loved God.  and i have not first loved God  because i have not first accepted His Love.  and thus i have sinned against Him, my Lord, my King, my Father, who has shown me such rich spiritual blessing.  but i have not trusted Him, have not fallen at His feet but have stood strong in my own confidence, have made my own way, have tried, in vain, to reach the kingdom of my own creation.  but it has all crumbled.  i feel now as if the weight of my sin has been piled on top of me.  but surely, as He has felled my castle and buried me in its rubble, He has begun thus to dig me out, to save me from its demise.  surely as its walls began to crumble, yea, i had already begun to see light. ]

Almighty God, have mercy on me, forgive me all my sins through my Lord Jesus Christ, strengthen me in all goodness, and by the power of Thy Holy Spirit keep me in eternal life.     Amen.

worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness:

come let us adore Him.

have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy lovingkindness: according to the multitude of Thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.  wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.  for i acknowledge me transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.  against Thee, Thee only, have i sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight . . .  make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which Thou hast broken may rejoice . . .  create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  cast me not away from Thy presence; and take not Thy Holy Spirit form me.  restore to me the joy of Thy salvation; and uphold me with Thy free Spirit . . .  O Lord, open Thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth Thy praise.  the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit:  a broken and contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.    - psalm 51

the Lord is glorious in His saints:

come let us adore Him.

hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. from the end of the earth 

will i cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock 

that is higher than i . . . O prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve[me]. - psalm 61:1,2,7

truly my soul waiteth upon God: from Him cometh my salvation . . .  my 

soul, wait thou only upon God; for me expectation is from Him.  

- psalm 62:1,5

O God, Thou art my God; early will i seek Thee: my soul thirsteth for 

Thee, my flesh longeth for Thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no 

water is; to see Thy power and Thy glory, so as i have seen Thee in the 

sanctuary. - psalm 63:1,2

dear friends.

today i am not feeling well.  i woke up with a slightly sore throat yesterday, and it became progressively worse.  last night i was sure i would become ill.  i drank tea.  i drank vitamins.  i prayed.  i went to bed early.

i woke up later than i wished.  i had to come over to the house to give charles some money for gas before he left for port au prince.  my throat seemed little better, but my body lacked energy.  still, i was glad to be awake, to be alive.  i went into the kitchen to make some tea and found myself doing dishes.  it was a familiar feeling.  

as i cleaned, my thoughts quickly went to my season in Tallahassee. this morning i was not upset to be doing dishes.  i felt as if God had brought me into the kitchen to be with Him, to give my hands work so that my spirit could pray.  i was pleased to clean up a mess that was not all my own.  i was pleased to know that another would not have to.  oh, how different from my thoughts one year ago while doing the same!  i began to think of how bitterly i lived in that beautiful house on Bronough Street.  i began to think of how selfishly i lived, how i always did my work with indignation.  and as i thought of how i lived, as i really began to see how little i loved, my heart began to feel that familiar sorrow that i have felt so often these past few months.  it is the sorrow of seeing your growth, and of realizing what a wretched place you have come from.  for me, it is the sorrow of feeling that i was given such opportunity, to love, to serve, to live with such wonderful people, and yet i did not love.  and when i served, because i did not serve in love, it was not true service.  

as i continued to think, my thoughts broadened into my season in tallahassee as a whole, and my sorrow began to be flooded with joy.  i love how even the hardest times of life are now only seen in the light of the Redemption that i am experiencing.  when i lived in tallahassee i did not often live with peace and hope.  but as i look back now on those days, i am overcome by peace and hope.  i see now the beauty in it all.  

i have spent much of my time this morning thinking of that season and thinking of my friends and family there.  it saddens me to think of how i missed so much.  but i am reminded that my life has always belonged to God, and that He has dealt rightly with me.  i am reminded that our Hope is not in this life, it is not in these places, dear as they may be. our Hope is in what will come, in the life that we have yet to know.  

still, we do live on this earth.  we do live this life, and i do believe that it is a gift.  i believe that it is full of sacred things, sacramental things, things of God.  i believe that in these days, by God's grace, we experience the Eternal.  oh, if only i had known!

today, i am not feeling well.  i am thankful that God has sent this homesickness, because it has helped me move beyond this moment.  it has brought me joy, and it has brought me hope.  now i pray that this joy and hope will strengthen me today, that i might accept this rest and be with God.  

dear friends, i love you.  dear friends, i miss you.  dear friends, i pray and hope and long eagerly for you.  may peace be with you.  may you experience the sacred, the sacramental, the Eternal.  may you love one another deeply, with the Charity of the Saints, the Love of Christ. together may you lose yourselves and find in one another the Beauty of Christ.  please forgive me.  please accept my love.

MendyLove.

i spent a lot of the evening with Mendylove.  we ate some chips and salsa.  we played the guitar.  we talked.  we took a nap.  it felt very fatherly for me.  i've always really loved kids.  and i've always loved spending time with them.  but for the most part, i've never done much other than play.  i never got into the babysitting thing.  

it's different with Mendylove though.  the situation necessitates we do a lot more than play with her.  and really, most times i think that we are in a bit over our heads.  

Mendylove is four years old.  she lives here at the house with us.  she's an orphan.  about two years ago both of her parents died.  we aren't sure how, but we are pretty sure they died just about the same time.  nobody at the church in her town would take her in, nor would her family, and so pastor charles and his family took her in.  over the past few years she has seen a number of different caretakers.  

when we first arrived here, Mendylove would spend hours each day sitting in a chair just outside the kitchen.  nobody knew why, but she was really shy, so we didn't make much of it.  when the orphanage opened, she spent a few weeks living there because pastor charles' family was living in port au prince, but Mendylove goes to school here. after charles' family moved back here about six weeks ago, Mendylove moved back in the house and we began to see some things that troubled us.  

it's really difficult for me to write about things here.  partly it is because i have teammates, and we all have blogs, and i think we all have to be careful about what we say.  we all see things with our own eyes, and we talk about things and try to be open and be on the same page, but we still have our own thoughts.  and i think that it would be a dangerous thing for us each to go writing about them publicly.  even good intentions can hurt and complicate.  also, there are a lot of people here, and i love them all very much, and i have a hard time distinguishing between what is appropriate to share about them and what might be slandering them.  there are some people that i don't like.  there are some people that i think are crazy.  but i don't want to disrespect them by creating a negative character of them in my little cyber story.  that said, the story might be choppy.  

things have been tough with Mendylove.  we all love her very much, and we care for her very much.  we all believe, to different degrees i suppose, that God has brought us here to love her, with His love.  i have said before that Haitian culture views children very differently that our own.  it views discipline very differently.  and i decided earlier this week that all of Haiti's problems go back to the fact that children are not held enough.  i do not believe that is true, but i think the statement sheds light on something that i see to be a very big problem.  and church folk seem to be little different.  

that being said, i think we all really struggled with the way we saw Mendylove being treated, and really being raised.  and i feel comfortable saying that i felt like she was not being loved well enough.  so we began trying to get to know her, trying to spend time with her, trying to love her.  and then we began to have some problems.  i won't get into them, because it has been all but a nightmare.  i will say that i think this situation has caused us much trouble in this community, that i am not sure of the extent that it has damaged our relationships with some important people here, and that maybe our reputation isn't the best right now.  i feel like some folks think we are causing trouble.  i really wish i could explain all of this to you.  

i have a lot of faith in God.  i really believe that He is love.  i believe that He is good.  i believe that he leads His children, that He protects them. i believe that His purposes are good, that His plans always prevail.  i don't know how all that works out, but i know that it means that i don't need to worry.  it means that i can trust Him.  so this whole thing honestly hasn't bothered me that much.  i know that God can take care of our sticky mess, that we can love Mendylove and love this community well, that the Gospel will be evident in our living.

we have learned some things about Mendylove recently that i want to share.  i want to share them so that you can pray for her precious little heart, and so that you can pray for ours.  and i want to share them because right now i feel like it is the best that i can do to help you understand where i am.  

Mendylove's parents believed in vodoo.  we think they practiced vodoo. we are not sure of anything, but we suspect that perhaps they made a deal with the devil.  i know that must sound absolutely ridiculous to you, and i am not sure if i really believe that it is possible, except that i know that adam and eve essentially did.  and it seems like the only explanation, unless you believe in coincidences.  what we have heard is that her parents died at the same time, that they did not want their children to become Christians, that they told someone (we are not sure if they told Mendylove directly) that if they became Christians that their spirits would come after them.  so Mendylove has had a pretty traumatic life so far.  she has very little stability.  and she lives in fear.  she has mentioned ghosts and spirits.  she has talked about what we would quickly call nightmares.  she sleeps on a mattress on the floor because she would fall out of bed. 

 

our hearts have broken for this precious little girl.  and we have tried our best to love her.  and i believe that we have.  and we have tried to defend her when we felt that we should.  we want to protect her.  and she has come to life since we have begun building our relationships with her. she shines.  and yet she is so afraid.  sometimes she is so sad. sometimes it is hard to believe her.  but we are trying.  we are trusting God.  we believe that He has brought us here to love the hurting, to proclaim the Gospel to the oppressed, to serve the brokenhearted.  to do what Christ did, and what He said to do.  Mendylove is not alone.  there are 12 amazing little boys living in an orphanage a stone's throw from our house whom we will never be able to spend enough time with, never be able to hold enough, never be able to love enough.  and there are students, adults, elderly folks, people in every stage of life, all needing to know the Hope of the Gospel.  

and so we try.  we pray, but not enough.  we talk, but not well.  we play. we hug.  we hold.  we laugh.  and we trust.  we trust that the Living God has led us here.  we trust the Christ lives in us, that the power of His Spirit is in us.  we Hope for Love.  we Hope for Peace.  we Hope for Redemption.