i woke up later than i wished. i had to come over to the house to give charles some money for gas before he left for port au prince. my throat seemed little better, but my body lacked energy. still, i was glad to be awake, to be alive. i went into the kitchen to make some tea and found myself doing dishes. it was a familiar feeling.
as i cleaned, my thoughts quickly went to my season in Tallahassee. this morning i was not upset to be doing dishes. i felt as if God had brought me into the kitchen to be with Him, to give my hands work so that my spirit could pray. i was pleased to clean up a mess that was not all my own. i was pleased to know that another would not have to. oh, how different from my thoughts one year ago while doing the same! i began to think of how bitterly i lived in that beautiful house on Bronough Street. i began to think of how selfishly i lived, how i always did my work with indignation. and as i thought of how i lived, as i really began to see how little i loved, my heart began to feel that familiar sorrow that i have felt so often these past few months. it is the sorrow of seeing your growth, and of realizing what a wretched place you have come from. for me, it is the sorrow of feeling that i was given such opportunity, to love, to serve, to live with such wonderful people, and yet i did not love. and when i served, because i did not serve in love, it was not true service.
as i continued to think, my thoughts broadened into my season in tallahassee as a whole, and my sorrow began to be flooded with joy. i love how even the hardest times of life are now only seen in the light of the Redemption that i am experiencing. when i lived in tallahassee i did not often live with peace and hope. but as i look back now on those days, i am overcome by peace and hope. i see now the beauty in it all.
i have spent much of my time this morning thinking of that season and thinking of my friends and family there. it saddens me to think of how i missed so much. but i am reminded that my life has always belonged to God, and that He has dealt rightly with me. i am reminded that our Hope is not in this life, it is not in these places, dear as they may be. our Hope is in what will come, in the life that we have yet to know.
still, we do live on this earth. we do live this life, and i do believe that it is a gift. i believe that it is full of sacred things, sacramental things, things of God. i believe that in these days, by God's grace, we experience the Eternal. oh, if only i had known!
today, i am not feeling well. i am thankful that God has sent this homesickness, because it has helped me move beyond this moment. it has brought me joy, and it has brought me hope. now i pray that this joy and hope will strengthen me today, that i might accept this rest and be with God.
dear friends, i love you. dear friends, i miss you. dear friends, i pray and hope and long eagerly for you. may peace be with you. may you experience the sacred, the sacramental, the Eternal. may you love one another deeply, with the Charity of the Saints, the Love of Christ. together may you lose yourselves and find in one another the Beauty of Christ. please forgive me. please accept my love.
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