yes, Thanks.

[ when the grace has gone we no longer seek to reflect on it, because we realize that it belongs to another order of things, and that it will be in some sense debased by our reflecting on it.  such prayer desires no witness, even the witness of our own souls.  it seeks to keep itself entirely hidden in God. ]

                                                            - Thomas Merton   

i wish that i understood some things better.  for example, i wish that i understood the role of relationships in my life, in the spiritual life, in the life of the kingdom of heaven.  i wish that i better understood how to order my own life, how and when to be alone, to be silent, to seek solitude, and how and when to be with others, to speak, to seek community.  these past few weeks have been really beautiful, and my spirit has been enjoying inner peace and rest.  i have thought it better to at least try to be alone with God, to be content to be alone with Him, rather than always trying to maintain that flicker of connectedness with the people that i love and miss.  i have felt a fullness in the presence of God that has revealed to me what i see as the emptiness and deceptiveness of virtual connectedness with people.  

but today is Thanksgiving.  to many or most, it celebrates family and friends as much as anything else.  i suppose that is because, for most, family and friends are that which they are and will always be most thankful for.  i woke up thinking about these things.  and they are true. almost.  

i think that i will spend the rest of today thinking about what i am truly most thankful for, and how i might truly live a life of thankfulness.  and perhaps it is only because i am not with my family, and i am not with my friends; perhaps it is because of the ever-present feelings of loneliness and isolation, in varying degrees, that i always feel here. perhaps it is exactly because i believe that those feelings are gifts from God to draw me to Himself, to secure me in a life devoted to His love, devoted in thankfulness to Him, devoted to living in solitude with Him. but today, i am not able to think with such high thoughts of my family and friends, deeply loved as they are, deeply dear to me as they are.  and perhaps that is because i do not have them, and because God is pouring Himself into me, filling my heart and my mind with such high thoughts of Him, that i might thank Him, that i might worship Him, that i might be reminding of my life which is in Him.  

i do love you.  i do miss you, terribly.  i will be thinking of you today, with joy and maybe a few tears.  and i will be praying that your hearts would be captivated with true thankfulness, the kind that comes not from sentimentality, but from the Spirit of the Living God.