the rain just started. it's been a while since it rained during the day. today has been noticeably cooler. i am still not that well. we've been making bread for church tomorrow. we decided to double the recipe to make it go faster. but i don't have the energy to knead this much dough. the kids are playing inside. they are so loud. haitians tend to be loud. and even if no one is talking, there is always noise. i like quiet. i still have the book of common prayer out on the desk from this morning. still on the page where i opened it. it has been that kind of day. morning prayer at 4. i think my spirit reflects it right now. i am not exactly blossoming peace.
i did go over to the orphanage. i was actually headed to the dorm because my stomach hurt, but you can't ignore those 12 little boys when they are screaming your name in unison, and some sort of melody. i went over and got wound up and ended up chasing them around making growling noises and bearing my teeth. the look on francois' face said, "you're a fool." my stomach said, "i'm going to be sick." but my heart said, "you're free."
i am trying to remember that these days, that i am free. there is a song that i sang a lot for a while about being free. it was a good reminder, and was one of the things that really helped me through some rough days.
i'm free! praise the Lord, i'm free!
no longer bound! no more chains holding me!
my soul is resting! it's such a blessing i see!
praise the Lord, Hallelujah, i'm free!
i haven't been singing it much lately. i'm ashamed to admit that maybe it's because i had forgotten. or at least (because i don't really think that we forget), i hadn't really trusted that i am free. if you're honest with yourself, it's hard to sing when you don't believe what you're singing.
my tea cup today says, "be still and know that i am God." it doesn't say who said it, but it must have been a very wise person. there really is something about stillness, something beautiful, something healing, and yet something that the powers of this world want so much to keep us from. and i try really hard to be still. i try very much to trust God with my moments and with my days. i want to let them flow in ceaseless praise, as the hymn says.
i've got to be honest. i feel like my thoughts are all over the place. there are some really beautiful things that i want to share, but i don't feel like i've been doing that well lately. and i am always afraid that my cynical self will show, that my impatient, critical, prideful, unloving self will shine brighter than that tiny little light that seems to get buried so often. but i really do still feel so much Hope. i really do feel like God has been faithful, that He has been teaching me about His Gospel, that it is making its way down into my marrow. i trust that i am a more loving person than i was when i came. i trust that the Gospel shines brighter. and so i write trusting that this small light will continue to shine, that you will see past my foolishness, past my pride, past my contrived words, and see the heart of Jesus Christ, who loves me and loves you and loves my new Haitian neighbors that i struggle so much to humble myself before. but He loves us, and He is working beautifully among us, and His Kingdom is with us.
i hope that you are well. i hope that you are experiencing the peace and joy and hope of life in Jesus Christ. or maybe you are only beginning to see little glimpses like i am, or even just beginning to look. regardless, i eagerly hope that He will continue to shine all of His brightness upon you, that when you look up and see glory, you will know it is Him. i love you. if you didn't feel that the last time i was with you, i hope that you will next time. i have great faith.
may grace and peace be with you always, in Christ. may you lose your life, and find it in Him.
[ the truth we must love in loving our brothers is the concrete destiny and sanctity that are willed for them by the love of God. one who really loves another is not merely moved by the desire to see him contented and healthy and prosperous in this world. love cannot be satisfied with anything so incomplete. if i am to love my brother, i must somehow enter deep into the mystery of God's love for him. i must be moved not only by human sympathy but by that divine sympathy which is revealed to us in Jesus and which enriches our own lives by the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our hearts . . . the truth i must love in my brother is God Himself, living in him. i must seek the life of the Spirit of God breathing in him. and i can only discern and follow that mysterious life by the action of the same Holy Spirit living and acting in the depths of my own heart . . . my love must be to them the "sacrament" of the mysterious and infinitely selfless love God has for them. my love must be for them the minister not of my own spirit but of the Holy Spirit. the words i speak to them must be no other than the words of Christ Who deigns to reveal Himself to them in me. ]
- thomas merton
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