a prayer of thanks.

Father, i am grateful for Your love which sustains me,

    and for Your peace which protects me.

i am grateful for Your mercy which heals me,

    and for Your hope which restores me.

i am grateful for Your justice which corrects me,

    and for Your wisdom which instructs me.

Father, grant unto me a vision of Heaven.

    grant unto me the imagination of Your Kingdom.

    grant unto me the joy of Eternity now.

grant that i might live to know You,

    to please You,

    to love You.

grant that i might live to serve You,

    to worship you,

    to bless Your Holy Name.

grant unto me the humility of Your Spirit,

    Your patience,

    Your kindness,

    Your gentleness.

grant that i might share in the suffering of Christ,

    that i might also share in the Light of His Life.

                                                             amen.

[ but i am like a green olive tree in the house of GOD. i trust in the steadfast love of GOD forever and ever. ]

- psalm 52:8

no complaint

[i have no reason to complain of any crosses, because they are the bitter fruit of my sin. nothing shall hurt us but sin; and that shall not hurt us, if we can repent of it. and nothing can do us good but the love and favour of GOD in Christ; and that we shall have if we seek it in good earnest. afflictions are GOD's potions, which we may sweeten by faith and prayer; but we often make them bitter, by putting into GOD’s cup the ill ingredients of impatience and unbelief. there is no affliction so small but we shall sink under it, if GOD uphold us not: and there is no sin so great but we shall commit it, if GOD restrain us not. a man who hath the spirit of prayer hath more than if he hath all the world. and no man is in a bad condition, but he who hath a hard heart and cannot pray...]

John Dod

The Lives of the Puritans, V. III

a prayer for imagination.

Father, if i may say so,

if it makes any difference to You,

i don't want to care too much about my life,

about where i go,

or about what i do.

i want to be content to trust You,

to trust that i am following You,

to trust that You are leading me.

i want to be content to live a quiet life,

or a busy one if You lead me to it.

but Father, i don't want to end up

flowing down that main stream,

or any one of its seemingly infinite tributaries.

i don't want to take that straight, wide path.

i want to flow down the River of Life,

rapid as it may be, rocky as it may be,

full of "dangers" as it may be.

and i want to take the long, narrow, winding path

that leads to Righteousness and Everlasting Life.

Father, as i continue through this season of life,

on this particular stretch of path,

i ask for strength.

i ask that, in the empty moments,

in the menial hours,

in the darkness,

i might have not only peace,

not only patience and faith,

but that i might have divine energy,

courage and endurance,

humility and boldness,

and prophetic imagination.

[Thy Kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

on earth as it is in Heaven.]

O God, grant that wherever i might be,

and whatever i might do,

that i might live as Your child,

as a member of the mystical body of Christ,

as a citizen of the kingdom of heaven.

grant that i might be

an instrument of Your peace,

of Your grace and mercy,

of Your love,

and of the Spirit of the Hope of Redemption.

vocation and purpose and Faith and Life.

[at the start He was there
in the end He’ll be there
and after all our hands have wrought He forgives

oh the Glory of it all is
He came here for the rescue of us all
that we may live for the glory of it all

all is lost find him there
after night dawn is there
after all falls apart He repairs

oh the Glory of it all is
He came here for the rescue of us all
that we may live for the glory of it all

oh He is here for redemption from the fall
that we may live for the glory of it all

after night comes the light
dawn is here it’s a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same
we will never be the same

oh the Glory of it all is
He came here for the rescue of us all
that we may live for the glory of it all

oh You are here for redemption from the fall
that we may live for the glory of it all]

-david crowder

i have been thinking a lot lately. there has been a lot of familiarity to life, and yet, something is profoundly different. i have been thinking a lot about jobs and careers and missional work and aid work and peacemaking work and the overall ideas of vocation and calling. but mostly, i have been thinking about purpose.

yesterday, i had the joy of getting to spend some time with and getting to know some gainesville folks named Caleb and Michelle, and we spent some time talking about these things. i met them through a mutual friend who had told me about their furniture-making business, though i didn't actually meet them until i walked through their front door yesterday afternoon. but i was interested in their work and in their larger life as a part of a community that i have been drawn to for years, and they were kind to welcome me.

i can't recall much of our conversation in detail. we spent some time talking about dogs and Montana and Wal-mart. i suppose that talking about those kinds of things gave us a context and a comfort in which we could talk about other things, things more specifically of God. it was in that context and comfort that i remember us talking about convictions and desires and passions and calling and vocation, and, ultimately, purpose. i remember thinking about purpose. i remember asking myself, okay, what is my purpose?

i remember asking myself, and i think that it is something that i have been going back to a lot for a while, what if i never hear another word from God about the direction of my life? what if He never leads me to a vocation? what if i never receive a "calling?" what then? am i supposed to just wander through life, always reminding myself that God never called me to anything? am i supposed to grab myself by the boots and throw myself up there, to make a life for myself? i certainly don't want to waste my life. but how would i be led? where would i go? how would i sort through all of the confusion within myself and around?

i have been learning a lot about faith during these past few months, in a rather new sense. i have lately been facing the reality of the weakness or incompleteness or lacking of my faith: most practically, the inactive nature of my faith. i have been facing the reality that though i always say that i have faith, that i trust God, what i most often am saying is that if God shows me where to go and what to do, i will go there and do it. and i will wait patiently, faithfully, until God shows me where to go and what to do. but i have been challenged and have begun to see how flawed my understanding of faith must be if i believe that this is the kind of faith which God requires. i have begun to see, from God's word about faith, that faith is not obeying certainty. quite the opposite, faith is following the uncertainty of God's guidance, trusting that He is in fact God, loving and wise and powerful, that He does in fact desire to save and restore and redeem and lead us to Himself and to His Kingdom, that His ways are perfect and beyond our comprehension. i have begun to see that true Faith is not a weak intellectual or emotional bond to a vague notion of God, but a complete and thorough surrender of my life into the hands of God, into the work of Christ and the movement of His Spirit. Faith is active. true Faith leads me not to say that i will follow God if He visibly leads me, but to throw myself at Him and beg for His life, knowing that to follow Him though i see nothing is far better than to follow a path weakly illuminated by my own understanding. to follow Him, wherever He leads, is my only Hope of Life.

Faith, as i have begun to better understand it, is to actively enter into the life of Christ, to surrender myself to the work of His Holy Spirit, trusting in the love and goodness and grace and mercy of an Almighty God.

and so, in light of this Faith, as i have been thinking a lot about jobs and careers and missional work and aid work and peacemaking work and the overall ideas of vocation and calling, i have mostly been thinking about purpose. i have begun to see that my weak faith which wanted for certainty was really a quite selfish faith, wanting to ensure my conception of my good and my well-being. it was not a faith which trusted that God's good for me will always be better than any that i could imagine for myself. and i have realized that perhaps all of these thoughts about vocation and calling, though not entirely faithless, not entirely sinful, do have a tendency to find a root in or a stream toward the same selfishness, the same concern with my good, my desire, my well-being. and my glory?

the purpose of Creation was and is and will always be the Glory of God. the purpose of Christ's life and death and resurrection from the dead were and are and always will be the Glory of God. the purpose of my life and salvation and restoration and redemption are and will always be the Glory of God. i trust God, i actively enter into Faith, because i believe that only His Spirit can lead me to the life of Christ, and only through His Life can mine ever be for the Glory of God.

perhaps i do have a calling. perhaps God is leading me to a vocation. but i have begun thinking that perhaps it shouldn't matter much to me. my purpose is to glorify God, in my inner life with Him, and in the ways in which my inner life with Him flows outward. and it is only by His grace and mercy that i Hope for that Life. calling or not, vocation or not, He will give me Life.

and this leads me to His Peace.

exile [Hope].

[a Christian is essentially an exile in this world in which he has no lasting city. the very presence of the Holy Spirit in his heart makes him discontent with worldly and material values. he cannot place his trust in the things of this life. his treasure is somewhere else, and where his treasure is, his heart is also... we are saved by hope for that which we do not see and wait for it with patience. the Holy Spirit is the One who fills our heart with patience... the trials that seem to defy our hope and ruin the very foundations of all patience are meant, by the Spirit of God, to make our hope more and more perfect, basing it entirely in God, removing every visible support that can be found in this world.] - TM

revealed unto babes.

[ "I thank Thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that Thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and revealed them unto babes." (Matthew 11: 25; Luke 10: 21)

The wise and prudent are the men who are conscious and confident of their power of mind and reason to aid them in their pursuit of Divine Knowledge. The babes are those whose chief work is not the mind and its power, but the heart and its disposition. Ignorance, helplessness, dependence, meekness, teachableness, trust and love; these are the tempers God seeks in those whom He teaches. (Psalms 25:9,12,14,17,20)

...we should ever receive the Word in the Spirit that waits for the Father to reveal its truth in us. ...we should have the child-like, yea the babe-like disposition to which the Father loves to impart the secrets of His love. ...With the babes, not the head and its knowledge but the heart and Feeling, the sense of humility, love and trust, is the first thing, and to them God reveals, in their inner life and experience, the very thing they know they cannot understand.

...The true preacher knows how much depends upon the state of heart, and seeks, even as our Lord Jesus did, to subordinate the teaching of objective truth or doctrine to the cultivation of those dispositions without which teaching profits little. A hundred sermons, eloquent and earnest, to the wise and prudent, to Christians who listen with the thought that they can understand, and that what they hear will somehow profit them, will bring less real blessing, than one sermon to hearers in whom the preacher has awakened a consciousness of spiritual ignorance, a babe-like docile spirit that waits for and depends on, that truly accepts and obeys, the Father's teaching.

In the secret chamber every man is, as far as human aid is concerned, his own teacher and preacher. He is to train himself in the blessed habit of babe-like simplicity and teachableness. Remembering that it was not only needful that Divine Truth should be revealed in the world, but that there must be an individual revelation to each, by the Holy Spirit, his first care is to wait on the Father to reveal to him, and within him, the hidden mystery in its power in the inner life. In this posture he exercises the babe-like spirit, and receives the Kingdom as a little child. All Evangelical Christians believe in regeneration. How few believe that when a man is born of God, a babe-like dependence on God for all teaching and strength ought to be his chief characteristic. It was the one thing our Lord Jesus insisted on above all. When He pronounced the poor in heart, the meek, the hungry, "blessed,'' when He called men to learn of Him that He was meek and lowly in heart, when He spoke so often of our humbling ourselves and becoming as little children, it was because the first and chief mark of being a child of God, of being like Jesus Christ, is an absolute dependence upon God for every blessing and specially for any real knowledge of spiritual things.

...The new birth, being begotten of God, by which we become God's children, is meant to make us babes. It will give us the child-spirit as well as the child-teaching. It cannot do the second without the first. Let us believe and yield ourselves to the new life in us, to the leading of the Spirit; He will breathe in us the spirit of little children. The first object of Bible study is to learn the hidden wisdom of God. The first condition of obtaining this knowledge, is to accept the fact that God Himself reveals it to us.

The first disposition needed for receiving that revelation is a babe-like spirit. "We all know how the first thing a wise workman does is to see that he has the proper tools, and that they are in proper order. He does not count it lost time to stop his work and sharpen the tools. It is not lost time to let the Bible study wait, till you see whether you are in the right position waiting for the Father's revelation in the meek and babe-like spirit. If you feel that you have not read your Bible in this spirit, confess and forsake at once the self-confident spirit of the wise and prudent. Not only pray for the babe-like spirit, but believe for it. It is in you, though neglected and suppressed; you may begin at once as a child of God to experience it.

...Live as a babe before God. As a new-born babe desire the milk of the Word.

And beware of trying to assume this state of mind only when you want to study Scripture. It must be the permanent habit of your mind, the state of your heart. Then alone can you enjoy the continual guidance of the Holy Spirit. ]


- Andrew Murray
Revealed Unto Babes, The Inner Chamber and The Inner Life

intention.

sincerity is not simplicity.
sincerity is about self.
simplicity is about Christ.

[He who loves us means by this to leave us room for our own freedom, so that we may dare to choose for ourselves, with no other certainty than that His love will be pleased by our intention to please Him.] - TM

Father, grant me Your peace,
   to walk quietly with You.
i do not know all of the ways in which i have sinned,
   but i ask that You forgive me,
   and lead me aright.
i desire to be faithful, Father.
i desire to be obedient.
i desire to please You.
i do not want to live for this world.
i do not want to be too concerned
   with the matters of this world.
this world is fleeting,
   but Your Kingdom is eternal.
grant that i might live for Your Kingdom.
O Merciful God, i acknowledge my sin,
   that i do not always live for Your will,
   that i do not always surrender myself
      to Your will,
   that i do not always deny myself.
my intention is not always pure,
   my effort not always honest.
and i acknowledge my weaknesses,
   that i am often discouraged,
   that i am often discontent,
   that i often do not persevere.

i say that i can trust You,
   and i believe that i do.
but can i trust myself,
   trust that i am seeking You,
   trust that You are shaping my desires,
   that my desire is to desire what You desire?

is my desire to please You, in fact, pleasing to You?
is Your love pleased by my intention to please You?

Father, i know that my desire is to please You.
i trust that my intention is to please You.

transform me by Your love that i seek.
conform me to Your desires which i seek.
and strengthen me by Your grace
   which i long to embrace.

a prayer for simplicity.

Father, i am thankful and even excited to live Your life.

though it scares me from time to time, or more often,

i resign my fears to You.

i resign my uncertainties to You,

to be consumed by Your Certainty.

i resign my helplessness to You,

to be transformed by Your grace,

and to be made by Your faith into strength.

anxiety is the action of a faithless mind,

or heart,

or spirit.

You have given me faith,

and by Your mercy i will not be anxious.

i am content to live this life,

Your life,

whatever it may mean for me,

content to live in small ways,

in small things,

unimpressive to a hungry world,

but pleasing to Your Stillness.

may i be a living sacrifice in all my ways,

holy and pleasing to You.

may i continue to walk by faith,

to find hope in Your kingdom,

to find myself in Your Christ.

amen.

my God and my all!

may i delight in You, O my God, at all times, in all things.

[may any joy without You

be burdensome for me,

and may i not desire anything else

besides You.

may all work, O Lord,

delight me when done for Your sake,

and may all repose not centered in You

be ever wearisome for me.

grant unto me, my God,

that i may direct my heart to You

and that in my failures

i may ever feel remorse for my sins

and never lose the resolve to change.]

submissive without protest.

poor without discouragement.

patient without complaint.

humble without posturing.

cheerful without frivolity.

mature without gloom.

Father, i trust that You are leading me. i trust that these trials will be for my good, for the strengthening of my faith and the deepening of my spiritual life. Father, would You grant me that spiritual joy possessed by the saints? that when i suffer in this body i might have such joy and peace, knowing that i suffer with the Crucified One, and that i might be raised to glory with the Risen One! [O Lord Christ!]

[i am crucified with Christ. i no longer live, but He lives in me. the life i live in the flesh, i live by faith . . . ]

i know that when i ask for peace and do not find it, it is not because You have refused to give it. gracious and merciful Father! Your peace is always before me, and yet so often i cannot attain it. how can i have peace if i do not have faith and hope? Father, i beg You, teach me whatever i need to live by faith, to look by hope. to embrace the peace of Your almighty presence.

today as i work, i ask that i might see beyond the temporal, beyond the immediate. i ask that i might have spiritual vision, that i might have peace and patience, even that i might enjoy my work.

bring me to Your life, my God and my all!

detached.

[ in order to defend ourselves against agitation, we must be detached not only from the immediate results of our work - and this detachment is difficult and rare - but from the whole complex of aims that govern our earthly lives. we have to be detached from health and security, from pleasures and possessions, from people and places and conditions and things. we have to be indifferent to life itself, in the Gospel sense, living like the lilies of the field, seeking first the Kingdom of Heaven and trusting that all our material needs will be taken care of into the bargain. ]

thomas merton

no man is an island

all i can say

[Lord i'm tired

so tired from walking
and Lord I'm so alone
and Lord the dark
is creeping in
creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
rest here a while

this is all that i can say right now
this is all that I can give
that's my everything

didn't You see me crying?
didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You i gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where you sat it down

this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that I can give
that's my everything

i didn't notice You were standing here
i didn't know that
that was You holding me
i didn't notice You were crying too
i didn't know that
that was You washing my feet

this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that I can give
that's my everything]

Thine is the Kingdom.

[through many dangers, toils and snares
i have already come
'tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home

the Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures

yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail
and mortal life shall cease
i shall possess within the veil
a life of joy and peace]

[i will not boast in anything

no gifts, no power, no wisdom

but i will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection]

Father, Loving God,

i trust You.

You have been so good to me.

You have loved me

and given me life.

but sometimes it is so dark.

sometimes the path seems so treacherous.

i want to follow You.

i trust that You are leading me to Your life.

i trust that i am following You.

why do i always feel that i am lost?

why do the roads always look like dead-ends?

where are You taking me?

no, i do not need to know.

only that You have prepared the place.

what should i do?

no, i do not need to know.

only that Your Spirit will guide me.

if i shall fail,

may i not become discouraged.

if i shall be poor,

may i not have regret.

if i shall be a fool,

may i remember the Fool's Death.

[the path to righteousness is narrow,

and few will find it.]

i am not afraid, my Lord.

lead me down the narrow path.

[for God has made low the wisdom of this world.]

i have no strength, my God.

i have no wisdom.

i have no sight.

i have only You, and faith in You.

[Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done.

give us this day our daily bread.

for Thine is the Kingdom

and the power

and the glory

for ever and ever.

Amen.]

a reflection.

i haven't been writing much these days. i used to sit at my desk when it was time to be still and quiet. i would read and pray, and i would write a lot. i wrote a lot in my journal, and sometimes a few thoughts would make there way here.

but i haven't been writing much these days. usually, when it is time to be still and quiet, i sit down on the couch and watch the candle flicker in the reflection of the water in the jug of flowers on the coffee table. i will read and pray, but i don't write a lot.

to be honest, this lack of writing troubled me a first. for a long time i have been writing. writing has been a regular form of exercise: mentally, emotionally, spiritually. it has been cathartic. over the years, i have noticed that when i am not writing, often it is because i am not well. when i think of it, however, there have been plenty of times when i was writing and was not well. regardless, writing has been something i have done. and so, to not do it seemed odd.

i have tried to write. i still sit from time to time at my desk and open my journal and take out my pen. but the words come so slowly, and often so few.

i work alone. i work in a field, walking back and forth down the rows, planting, pulling weeds, watering, digging up and planting again. today i moved thirty struggling artichoke plants from a single row at the start of the field to newly formed beds one hundred feet towards the opposite end. i could explain the whole process, but needless to say after a while it doesn't require much thought. truth be told, while i am working, my work doesn't require much thought. and so my mind is free to think, and it makes much use of its liberty. often i try to pray a simple prayer to keep my mind from wandering so much, or worse, from dwelling in the undesirable places. i am not often successful, and my days end with a tired body and perhaps an even tireder mind.

i suppose that this could have much to do with my lack of writing. but i also wonder if it is something else. i wonder if, perhaps, i no longer feel such a pressing need to write. i wonder if i am no longer afraid of forgetting, or of not thinking, or praying. i wonder if i no longer feel that i have so much to figure out. i wonder if, perhaps, i no longer have so much that i feel i need to get out. i wonder if this is peace. i wonder if i am simply learning to be content, to trust God, and be with Him.

i take my mornings slow. i wake up, make some coffee, and sit down on my couch. i light the candle on the coffee table and stare at the flickering in the reflection of the water. i pick up the Bible, or a book, or nothing. i read or i pray or i sit. i wait for the morning's anxieties to come, and when they do i pray over them, and most days they leave. i thank God for His love, for my life, and for peace. i ask Him to keep me near. sometimes i get up and get ready for my day's work. sometimes i sit a while longer.


[ there is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful, than that of a continual conversation with God. ]      -brother lawrence

seeds and weeds.

i think that i am a pilgrim. sometimes people laugh when i say that. but it is true. i am going somewhere that i have not found. i do not know how to get there. i am searching, and trusting something greater than myself to lead me. i do not believe that it is enough to say that this world is not my home, that i am destined for some future, yet eternal, glorious place, and go on living in this life as if it is my home. i do not believe that i should be comfortable here. but i also do not believe that this means i should be miserable here. i believe that to follow Christ, to be saintly, means to live by faith and by hope. to live by faith, trusting in the things i cannot see, trusting in the eternal reality of the kingdom of heaven and not this earthly reality which is constantly before me. and by hope, hoping for the coming of that kingdom, not in the future, but eternally, which includes, i would imagine, now. as Christ taught us to pray, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. and so if nothing else, i feel like a pilgrim.

i live in a new city now. it is a place that i am not familiar with. i am not yet a part of it. mostly, i am becoming a part of the land outside of town, digging my hands into its dirt, pulling out its weeds, trying to bring life to a tired piece of this earth, worn by years of the world's ways of doing things. and mostly i am alone, living alone, working alone, and yet always drawing nearer to the God who beckons me. my life has changed in ways that i had not imagined. for a while, it seemed as though the things i was moving towards were not the things that God was leading me towards. for a while i thought that i had begun to make sense of things, that i had found direction and calling and purpose. but now i know that is not true. what i have found, and what has always been constant, is the tender, small voice of a mighty God, saying come. it as if this voice is saying, has always been saying, i can't explain where we are going, but stay close, follow me.

there is so much that for so long i have been trying to make sense of. for so long i have been trying to understand what it means to live in this world, fallen as it is, beautiful as it is, and yet live for another one. i have been trying to understand what it means to follow Christ in a world that hates Him, yet a world that He so deeply loves. and i have wondered why, if Christ loves this world enough to redeem, i should not, perhaps, also love it enough to practice redemption. perhaps first i must stop practicing destruction.

i have been planting some seeds and pulling a lot of weeds lately. and i have begun to realize that perhaps that is what God has been doing for quite some time.


Holy Father, grant that we might be
      as plants firmly rooted by faith in Christ,
      and as seeds blown by the wind of His movement.

to believe what is most contrary.

[ we may conclude, that the Christian religion not only was at first attended with miracles, but even at this day cannot be believed by any reasonable person without one. mere reason is insufficient to convince us of its veracity; and whoever is moved by faith to assent to it, is conscious of a continued miracle in his own person, which subverts all the principles of his understanding, and gives him a determination to believe what is most contrary to custom and experience. ]      - David Hume

a prayer for mercy.

Lord Christ, why am i so afraid of Your cross?


i tell myself that You died that i might have life.
     You bid me to come and die, that i might have life.

i tell myself that You died that i would not have to.
     You tell me that You died that i too might die.

You rose to life that i too might rise to life.
     and yet i flee from this, Your holy Death.
     and i cling to this, my miserable life.

in Your loving death You have shown me Hope.
     yet i cling to these, my vain hopes.

by sharing in Your death i might find joy.
     yet i cling to this, my fleeting happiness.

You have offered me a place in Your heavenly Kingdom.
     yet i cling to this, my earthly kingdom.


Lord Christ, have mercy on me.

hope.

[ my Lord, i have no hope but in Your Cross. You, by Your humility, sufferings and death, have delivered me from all vain hope. You have killed the vanity of the present life in Yourself and have given me all that is eternal in rising from the dead.
     my hope is in what the eye has never seen. therefore let me not trust in visible rewards. my hope is in what the human heart cannot feel. therefore let me not trust in the feelings of the heart. my hope is in what the hand has never touched. do not let me trust what i can grasp between my fingers, because death will loosen my grasp and my vain hope will be gone.
     let my trust be in Your mercy, not in myself. let my hope be in Your love, not in health or strength or ability or human resources.
      if i trust You, everything else will become for me strength, health and support. everything will bring me to heaven. if i do not trust You, everything will be my destruction. ] -TM

a slender thread of faith.

[ for a long time then i seemed to live by a slender thread of faith, spun out from within me. from this single thread i spun strands that joined me to the good things of the world. and then i spun more threads that joined all the strands together, making a life. when it was complete, or nearly so, it was shapely and beautiful in the light of day. it endured through the nights, but sometimes it only barely did. it would be tattered and set awry by thing that fell or blew or fled or flew. many of the strands would be broken. those i would have to spin and weave again in the morning. ] -WB

a conversation.

i am not living if i am not living for You.
     but i do not know what i am doing.
     is that okay?
what do you ask of me?
     i do not know how to pray.
     is it okay if i only seek?
seek and you shall find.
knock and the door shall be opened.
ask and you shall receive.
     where shall i look?
     which door shall i choose?
     i do not know the question.

O God, You are a God of mysteries.
     be mysterious to me, my God, that i might wonder.
O God, You are a God of power.
     overwhelm me.
O God, You are a God of grace and mercy and love.
     penetrate me.

i am not sure, but i believe that i have heard You.
     can i see You?

do my desires please You?

am i faithful?

O God, grant me the desire to know You.
     i need not know anything else.
O God, grant me the faith to seek You.
     i need not know where i am going.
O God, grant me the peace and patience to wait for You.
     i do not need answers or direction.
     i need only to walk with You.


[i believe that i love You.]

haiti.

my friends are returning to haiti this week. i am not going with them. please pray for them, for the work that has started, for the work that is needed, and for the work that will come. please pray for strength and for peace. please pray that they are filled with love, with that Divine Love of grace and mercy and beauty and power and truth. pray that they would be filled, and that they would be poured out in faith and humility.

a prayer for vision and faith.

Father,

      grant me vision to recognize Your world

      and faith to see it come.

the Light is God.

i miss Sadrak. i miss holding him. i miss hearing him speak. i miss picking him out of a crowd. i miss playing with him and teaching him to use his feet. i miss his hands and i miss his eyes. i miss all of the boys. i miss Tiwil and Kedesh. i miss Charles and Menos and Pecial.
i miss Haiti. i lived there. it seems so surreal, like a dream. it seems like i dreamed of living there but never really did. it seems like i was there long enough to have a picture in my mind but not really know the place. it seems like i was there long enough to hope but not really to help. it seems like i was there just long enough to begin to let go, but not quite long enough to hold on.

i think that i went to Haiti to help, but i don't know that i went with a lot of hope. i think that i was motivated by my own brokenness and by the brokenness, seen and unseen, which i knew to exist in this world. i was motivated by that vision of brokenness and by a desire, of heart or mind or spirit, to help.

perhaps i was tired of thinking that life isn't fair and decided that i should at least try to do something. perhaps i believed that when we ask God why He doesn't do something, He asks us the same question. perhaps i thought that there may be some truth to what is said about finding Jesus in the faces of the poor, the sick and hurting, the marginalized, the abandoned. perhaps i was just trying to do what i have been saying that i have been trying to do for so long: to stop living for myself and start living for others. or perhaps, though i tend to doubt it, i was just listening and following.

i have learned that i am not poor. i have learned that i have been trying to hope in what i can see. i have learned that i more often ask for clarity than faith.

i have learned that sometimes you can't help. i have learned that sometimes God gives you the desires of your heart, and then He takes them away. i have learned that sometimes God takes you to a place, only to turn you around and take you back. i have learned that sometimes God is silent, and that He wants us to be as well.

i have learned that sometimes everything is not illuminated. perhaps, never is everything illuminated. perhaps, mostly everything is dark. but in darkness a light shines on us. and that Light is God.

war for survival.

[ the survival of the principalities is the secret purpose of war. the servility of our leaders depletes them of their humanity, they are victims of the principalities and powers, captivated and possessed by the demonic. ] - William Stringfellow

the pure life.

[ dwell in humility; and take heed that no views of outward gain get too deep hold of you, that so your eyes being single to the Lord, you may be preserved in the way of safety. where people let loose their minds after the love of outward things, and are more engaged in pursuing the profits and the friendships of this world than to be inwardly acquainted with the way of peace, they walk in a vain shadow, while the true comfort of life is wanting. their examples are often hurtful to others, and their treasures thus collected do many times prove dangerous snares to their children.

but where people are sincerely devoted to follow Christ, and dwell under the influence of His Holy Spirit, their stability and firmness, through a Divine blessing, is at times like dew on the tender plants round about them, and the weightiness of their spirits secretly works on the minds of others. in this condition, through the spreading influence of Divine love, they feel a care over the flock, and way is opened for maintaining good order in the Society. and though we may meet with opposition from another spirit, yet, as there is a dwelling in meekness, feeling our spirits subject, and moving only in gentle, peaceable wisdom, the inward reward of quietness will be greater than all our difficulties. where the pure life is kept to, and meetings of discipline are held in the authority of it, we find by experience that they are comfortable, and tend to the health of the body. ]

led.

[ if you could do it, i suppose, it would be a good idea to live your life in a straight line - starting, say, in the Dark Wood of Error, and proceeding by logical steps through Hell and Purgatory and into Heaven. or you could take the King's Highway past appropriately named dangers, toils, and snares, and finally cross the River of Death and enter the Celestial City. but that is not the way i have done it, so far. i am a pilgrim, but my pilgrimage has been wandering and unmarked. often what has looked like a straight line to me has been a circle or a doubling back. i have been in the Dark Wood of Error any number of times. i have known something of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but not always in that order. the names of many snares and dangers have been made known to me, but i have seen them only in looking back. often i have not known where i was going until i was already there. i have had my share of desires and goals, but my life has come to me or i have gone to it mainly by way of mistakes and surprises. often i have received better than i have deserved. often my fairest hopes have rested on bad mistakes. i am an ignorant pilgrim, crossing a dark valley. and yet for a long time, looking back, i have been unable to shake off the feeling that i have been led, make of that what you will. ]

- Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

a thought of a poem.

_it feels like everything is over.

_it is

and _ it has only begun.

_ emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

_ hope is quiet.

_ pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

_ both are signs of life and health.

_ God speaks.

_ i listen.

and _ i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

_ i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.

sometimes sometimes is always.

[sometimes it feels like everything is over.

sometimes it is

and sometimes it has only begun.

sometimes emptiness isn't absence

and darkness isn't night.

sometimes hope is quiet.

sometimes pain isn't a sign of death

and sadness isn't a sign of hurt.

sometimes both are signs of life and health.

sometimes God speaks.

sometimes i listen.

and sometimes i stop listening

and lay still enough to hear.

sometimes i hear God saying follow me

and so i try to follow Him

only to realize He was saying don't move.]

solidarity.

[ Many Haitians expect to be let down. History shows they are right to feel that way. Haitians know that they have been wronged many, many times. What we are seeing on the news right now is more than a natural disaster. This earthquake has torn away the veil and revealed the crushing poverty that has been allowed by the west's centuries of disregard. That we must respond with a substantial emergency effort is beyond argument, but in the aftermath, Haiti must be rebuilt.

Ultimately, we need to treat Haiti with compassion and respect and make sure that the country gets back on its feet once and for all. Haiti's independence from France more than two centuries ago should be thought of as one of the most remarkable tales of freedom; instead, she was brought to her knees by the French and forced to pay a debt for the value of the lost colony (including the value of the slaves: the equivalent of $21bn by current calculations). We cannot overestimate the strength and resilience of the brave people living in this country whose ancestors had to buy their own bodies back.

The west has funded truly corrupt governments in the past.

Right now, in Haiti, there is a democratically elected government.

Impossibly weak, but standing.

This is the moment where we need to show our best support and solidarity. ]

this is an excerpt from an article written by Régine Chassagne.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/17/haiti-earthquake-aid-casualties

[ ]

i have tried to be faithful to you, who support me, who think often or ever of me, who have prayed once or daily, who have given of yourselves and of your resources. i have tried to be faithful to my calling and to my God. but today, and also the many days that have lead to it, i must confess that i have been afraid, perhaps, that what i really wanted was your thoughts and your prayers and your resources, for myself, hurting and broken as i am. and i know that there is still an ounce or more of pride residing somewhere deep within me, but as i have watched what bits and pieces of the news that i could handle, and as i have read here and there from the sea of words being written at this time concerning this great tragedy, i have thought, over and over again, why must it always be about me?

i am thankful for your love. i am thankful for your concern and your compassion and the prayers and words that flow from them. i am thankful for my life. but my life is not my own. it has been given so that it may be given again, and i confess that this is where i am not doing that well today. i arrived home, to safety and security, on friday afternoon, and i have wrestled daily and most hourly with the decision that brought me here. i believe in and trust completely the sovereignty of the Holy God who has given me life and preserved it. i suppose that now my struggle is not so much one of faith as it is a struggle with my own devices, with my thoughts and my feelings; it is, i imagine, the great struggle with the tension between losing my life and saving it. i confess that today, and now for many days, i do not imagine much worth saving. i went to Haiti because i believed that i should give up my life for the Gospel, for Love and for Hope and for Peace. and there came a moment when it appeared my life might be in danger. and so i, among so many others, left the place in which i had only so recently began to embrace that struggle of losing life, and had begun to see so much Light, so much Hope, and feel so much Life.

by now, i imagine that there is very little that i can tell you about the earthquake that you do not already know. the news has been very thorough, and while i do not trust the establishment press and their motives, the facts, for the most part, remain the same. and with regards to the story beneath the facts, i am not sure that i can tell to begin with. for the most part, i would only like to say that it is probably worse than they or i can make it out to be. it will probably take longer, and the toll will be greater. as i have thought often, it seems that the worst became worse. and so i ask you to consider and invest in the future.

i do not wish to add my opinions and sentiments to the doublespeak. if i am to write, i wish always to be honest in my writing. if i am to speak, i wish to speak the truth. as i have read over these past few days, it seems that perhaps it is not possible to speak or write honestly at a time such as this. perhaps emotions and motives are simply too strong. and perhaps it is in times such as these that the true heart of man emerges.

i do not know what to say. what i wish to say, i do not know how. and in honesty, i do not feel like going over the events again in my head and in my heart to try to write them down. right now, i feel that perhaps that the only thing i have worth writing has already been written, and perhaps it is the most honest i can be.

___________________________________________________

[ january 12,

this afternoon just before 4, we left to take the boys on a walk. we had gone up to the plateau and over to the green bridge and were walking down the dirt road that leads to Guitton. the ground began to rumble for a few seconds, long enough to realize and wonder at, and then began to shake violently. it seemed as if everything was moving several feet in every direction. even thinking about it now, it is so surreal. i never would have imagined experiencing an earthquake. and not in Haiti.

we are fine. everything and everyone at the mission is fine. we have some minor damage and had some minor injuries. but it could have been so much worse. and now all that i can really do is hope that there is something that i can do.

who knows what this will mean for us. who knows how it may change things. but for the people of Haiti, things have changed. life just got harder. and if ever there was a need for hope, and a need for light to shine, it is now. God give us Light. ]

[ january 15,

what should someone think during a time like this? how should someone feel? there are too many thoughts. there are too many feelings. i think that i feel that i don't want to think or feel. i would like to sit. i would like to be quiet. i would like to be still.

the devastation brought on by this earthquake is not only physical. some people seem to be hoping that this will be that thing that causes Haiti to hit rock bottom, and that, as we all know, sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so that we might see more clearly, perhaps. really, they say, or think, so that we might see Jesus, or realize our need for Him. maybe they are too evangelical and i should have no such hope. maybe i am still too cynical and such hope is all that i have.

but again, i don't know what to think. and at the moment i see little use in speculating and theorizing and theologizing. i know only what i have seen and heard. i know that a lot of things have been destroyed. i know that a lot of people have died and lot more are wounded. i know that Haiti's government, which never before truly intended to help the Haitian people, is badly wounded. i know that Haiti is very discouraged, very afraid, very sad. i know that if Haiti can recover it will take a very long time and will be a very difficult process.

i am sad. i am sad that many people lost their lives, that many people lost their family and friends. i am sad that many people have lost their home, their houses and their cities. i am sad that many people have lost their work. i am sad that so many people are suffering, that they have no response but sadness. they are afraid, and it seems as thought they should be. they are worried, and why wouldn't they be? they have no hope, and why would they? the worst has become worse.

___________________________________________________

God have mercy! Lord, make haste to help me. i don't know where i am. i don't know what i am doing. i don't know what You are doing. i am lost. i am confused. i am afraid. is my world also crumbling? where do i go? how do i rebuild? refugee? pilgrim? wanderer?

___________________________________________________

three days ago i was praising God for His mercy. having been wracked with grief as i returned to Haiti, my soul was overflowing with praise for the peace which He had given me. i was thanking Him for the faith which He had given, that He is my life, that He would sustain me, that i could make it. and i was thanking Him for the new sight that i had received, that i had truly begun to live in His light. ]

[ january 16,

i don't understand all of this. my heart cannot understand. and there is nothing that can ease the sadness. the pain is real, it is great, and its effects are lasting. i don't want to think about it too much. but i absolutely do not want to think about it too little. i do not want to forget.

Father, i know that You are good. You are Love, and Love does not fail, it does not cease. You have not forgotten Haiti, and You have not stopped loving them. You have not forgotten me, and You have not stopped loving me. You know exactly where we are. You know exactly where we will go.

i feel helpless. i feel like there is nothing i can do. perhaps there is nothing that i can do. but i will trust You. i will seek You. and i will pray.

[ for they could not have done anything

unless His wisdom had permitted it,

and He could not suffer except that in His mercy

He willed it.

they chose you

that they might carry out their evil deeds;

He chose you

that He might fulfill the work of goodness.

they that by you

they might hand over the righteous to death;

He that through you

He might save sinners from death.

they that they might kill life;

He that He might destroy death. ]

- from St. Anselm's

Prayer to the Holy Cross

God, help me. without You, i cannot make it through this. what can i do? what should i do? please show me, Merciful God. please hold me together in Your grace, in Your peace, and in Your mercy. wrap me in Your protection, that evil would not get to me. hide me in Your faithfulness and in Your hope. cover me with love. protect me from frustration, from discouragement, from anger, and from judgment.

O God, have mercy on me!

i know that You have a plan, for me, for Jay and Diana and Jeremy, for Lespwa, for Haiti. i don't know why all of this has happened. i don't know why i have come home. but whether it was Your will or not, it has happened. whether it was best or not, i am home. and i trust that You did not forget me, that even now Your hand is upon me. even now as i feel so close to the edge of despair, You are leading me. and wherever You lead, O God, i will follow. ]

reading that again, and writing it down, i see how much it has been about me. it has always been about me, and, i suppose, in some very real way, will always be about me. and i suppose that my sorrow comes not so much from what is happening in Haiti, because, in reality, it has always been happening, and will continue, not only in Haiti, but all over the world. i know that God is God, that He is Light, that He is Love. i know that there is Hope. i know that those who are His will be saved. tragically, those who are not will perish. but the suffering we see in the physical pales next to the suffering that exists in the spiritual. and i am not sad because people are sick or hungry or homeless. i am sad because people are spiritually dead and dying. and i am grieving because once again, i feel the distance between my beliefs and my own living.

i want to be in Haiti. i want to return soon. i hope to return soon. but i know and believe that i do not need to go to Haiti to lose my life, and to find it. i do not need to go to Haiti to be a light. i do not need to go to Haiti to follow Christ and to serve the Gospel. perhaps all i can do is stay where i am. perhaps all i can do is become more. perhaps all i can do is have faith, and pray.

i want to help. and i know that many of you do to. unfortunately, i do not have many suggestions for how you might do that. my first, however, is to wait, and to pray. the relief effort in Haiti is important. i believe that it is already well-funded. but i believe that there will come a time when the relief effort is over, and life in Haiti will try to go on. and i believe that time will be one of desperate need. i am not suggesting to do nothing now. i am only suggesting that then is just as important.

[ Lord, give me the courage to look at myself,

the honesty to admit my faults and limitations,

the sincerity to try self-improvement,

and the love for You that will keep me at it

for the rest of my life.

let me not be concerned about matters that are

beyond my control,

except to petition Your help.

for the rest, let me really live the words:

"Thy will be done."

Amen. ]

i do ask your prayers. the orphanage that we left is run by a Haitian couple name Joseph and Madamn Menos, as well as by Pastor Charles wife. i trust that they are being cared for. and though our mission escaped the devastation of Port Au Prince and many other areas, our family there will not escape the effects. we know that there are many in our village who have lost homes and are likely sleeping at the mission. much of Charles' family is now living at the mission. food, water, and fuel shortages are likely, and so i ask your prayers for provision and protection. and i ask your prayers for hope.

i also ask your prayers for myself. i am asking that God will give me faith, but also that He will return me to Haiti. i am asking that He will guide me patiently and calmly through the process of returning and, should i not return, through the sorrow of staying. and i am asking, as i imagine we all are, that He would use this season to draw men to Himself, myself not excluded.

thank you for your love and for your prayers.

may we give ourselves to God.

earthquake.

as you may have already heard, Haiti was hit by a major earthquake this afternoon. even now, almost 8 hours later, the earth is still frequently shaking beneath us.

when the earthquake hit, my teammates and i, along with members of a visiting short-term team, were on a walk through the village with the boys from the orphanage. we were on the major dirt road which leads out of the hills to a village nearby. after the ground stopped moving, we gathered the boys and immediately began making our way back to the mission campus. the realization that things may quickly lose control was immediate. as we walked the mile or so back, the realization of the effect of the earthquake was slow. we saw damage to almost every house in some form or another.

we are safe. our buildings and people here at the mission are safe. we are north of port au prince and must not have been hit as bad. but there is still damage. in the village, our friend Tiwil said that the village is worse than after the flood last year. the flood almost wiped the village out.

we are eagerly awaiting the morning. we do not know what tomorrow will hold. we do not know how bad our country is. and we do not know what our response will be.

please pray. pray for peace in the hearts of the Haitian people, our friends, our neighbors, our brothers and sisters. please pray that they will not become angry with God. pray that they will turn to one another, that they will take the opportunity to help rather than to hurt. pray that God will provide. the entire nation is dependent on Port Au Prince, which may be lying in shambles. and pray for us, for wisdom, for patience, for strength, and for Light.

in Your light we see light.

[the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.  many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.

the Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them shall be desolate.

say unto my soul, I am thy salvation.

in Thy light shall we see light.

those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.

the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. 

mark the perfect man, and behold the upright; for the end of that man is peace.  

Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that i may know how frail i am.  

hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry; hold not Thy peace at my tears: for i am a stranger with Thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. 

I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: Thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.  

O send out Thy light and Thy truth: let them lead me: let them bring me unto Thy holy hill, and to Thy presence.

be still, and know that i am God.  

make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which Thou hast broken may rejoice.  

restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation.

the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.]

                                                                -excerpts from Psalms 34-51

[the man of simple intention works in an atmosphere of prayer: that is to say he is recollected.  his spiritual reserves are not all poured out into his work, but stored where they belong, in the depths of his being, with his God.  he is detached from his work and from its results.  only a man who works purely for God can at the same time do a very good job and leave the results of the job to God alone.  if our intention is less than simple, we may do a very good job, but in doing so we will become involved in the hope of results that will satisfy ourselves.  

a simple intention rests in god while accomplishing all things.  it takes account of particular ends in order to achieve them for Him: but it does not rest in them.

the end of a simple intention is to work in God and with Him - to sink deep roots into the soil of His will and to grow there in whatever weather he may bring.]

                                                          - Thomas Merton, no man is an island

[my Lord God, i have no idea where i am going.

i do not see the road ahead of me.  i cannot know for certain where it will end.  nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think i am following Your will does not mean that i am actually doing so.  but i believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You.  and i hope that i have that desire in all that i am doing.  i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire.  and i know that, if i do this, You will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it.  therefore i will trust You always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.  i will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.]

                                                       -Thomas Merton, thoughts in solitude

i do not know how to say what i wish to say.  i do not know how to explain all that these past few days have held for me.  i cannot express how broken i am.  and i cannot express how much joy i have.

i am not happy.  i did not want to get on the plane wednesday morning.  the day i left haiti for home, i knew i would not want to return.  and yet i was pretty certain that i would return.  and i have, because God has made it clear that i should do so.  He has made it clear that it is still good for me to be here.  and though i believed Him, and still do, most of me wished that it were not so.  i suspected that returning would be more difficult than my initial coming, that these next few weeks and months would be more difficult than the previous three.  so far, my suspicions have been confirmed.

i am not happy, because i miss my family.  i miss many people that i love.  i miss my dogs.  i miss the comfort of my home, the familiarity of all that i have known.  i miss the life that was mine, and i do not want to give it up.  and there is a great beast inside of me grasping with its big claws.  

on the plane, in the car on the road to messailler, all that first night and in to the next morning, i cannot explain to you the pain and the sorrow and the sadness and the fear that i felt.  i believe that i can say that i have never experienced such a thing.  and immediately, in those first few hours and days, my sorrow was confounded.  haiti is hard, and i could not take it.  

but i have.  God has sustained me.  and not only that, He has blessed me richly.  He has blessed me with the joy of His presence.  He has blessed me with the promises of His life.  He has blessed me with encouraging words and signs and hopes.  

a team of seven gentlemen and one lone lady came yesterday from north carolina.  they came to work, and to be here with their love.  they came here, i believe, because God sent them for me and for us.  we have talked.  they are wonderful people, i believe true brothers and a true sister.  and they have spoken so much truth, and listened so lovingly to our feeble words.  and through them, i have seen the hope of this faith that i have.  the hope of God's promises.  the hope that my life is hidden in Him, and yet He is drawing me into it.

and it is in death that we find eternal life.  

[God-willing]

 

a prayer for life.

Father, i know that this is good.

i know that You have given me life,

     that You are leading me to life.  

grant me silence, O God,

     and stillness.

not only have You promised peace,

     but You have given peace.

grant that i might rest there with You.

give me my daily bread, Father.