a prayer of desperation.

O Father,

     grant me the strength to rise in the morning,

          to take my meals,

               and to share in the work.

O Father,

     grant me the strength to listen,

          on occasion to speak,

               and always to sing.

O Father,

     grant that if i have nothing else to give

          i might give continually of Your Love.  

O Father,

     grant that i might pray.  

a prayer for progress.

God of Light, 

     Brightness of Truth,

          Radiance of Hope!

You were waiting for me this morning.

     You are always waiting.

You have been waiting all of this time,

          patiently, faithfully.

     now we stand here in this place,

          in the presence of all of this Beauty,

               and do i look back?

O, for what wretched thing could i be 

          such a fool to look back?

     could what was compare

          to what is or what is to come?

surely You have led me to this place

     and You will lead me on.

Father, grant unto me peace

          and contentment.

grant unto me pure faith,

     that i might trust in this life

         which You have prepared for me.

grant that i might have faith 

     to let go of that which has passed,

          trusting in that which will come.

grant unto me a spirit of thankfulness

               for all relationships,

     that i might be willing to see them go 

                        in their time,

          and that i will trust that You will 

               preserve those which are necessary 

                        for my life.

grant that i might love all men charitably

     and that i might with wisdom

          seek those whom You have brought to

                    special attention.

grant that i might before all things,

          O Most Holy God,

     worship You in the stillness of Eternity.

                                                    Amen.

thank you.

i wish to express my thankfulness to everyone who has been praying for my health this week, and for all of the words of encouragement.  

i did spend a few days in the hospital at the beginning of the week with an intestinal infection and some kidney stones.  i am fine now, back at home recovering, trying to regain my strength and get rid of the rest of whatever it is that is poking at my insides. 

it has been of great comfort to know that your thoughts and prayers have been with me.  i love you all, and hope to see many of you soon.  

peace of Christ, and grace in abundance.  

answers.

sometimes we pray.  we ask God to heal us, and He doesn't.  so we go see a doctor and the doctor heals us.  and i do not understand this.  i do not understand why the God of the universe, a Loving God, would stay silent at the cries of the hurting and mourning and dying and not comfort and heal.  i do not understand why He would instead allow a sinful man to do the healing.  but i am learning that this spiritual life we seek to live is a life far fuller of mysteries than i am often okay with.  i am learning that there is so much more going on than my insignificant imagination can imagine.  and i am learning that my knowledge still sits somewhere at the bottom of the path to His truth and understanding.  i am learning that the easiest and quickest answers are most often the wrong ones, and that if i were to truly seek God, i should begin by seeking new words for tired ideas.  

[ i do not refuse to answer the questions.  i simply answer that the true answers themselves are great mysteries, that the stated answers vary one from the next only in form and by degree of direction, in relatively equal distance, from the Origin of truth. ]

may God grant me a new faith,

     one that prefers the faithfulness of silence and awe

          to the confidence of correct answers. 

may He grant me the humility of Love and stupidity,

     that i might serve Him not with strong words

          but with compassionate hands and a gentle embrace.  

may God be glorified in my weakness,

     and may i be humbled by my strength. 

a prayer for movement.

Father, i long to be in Your presence,

     to be wrapped in the wings of Your Peace.

i long for the inner solitude of faith and devotion.

i long for contentment, O God.

surely You would not have led me here

     if i could not remain in Your presence in this place,

          if the distractions of this life were too great.

surely You would not have given me this good work

     if in doing it i would remain far from You.

teach me, O God,

     that i might know the way of pure devotion.

teach me, O God,

     that i might with wisdom take my steps.

teach me, O God, 

     that i might know the right measure of detachment.

teach me, O God,

     that i might know the true look of sacrifice.

grant unto me, my God,

     that i might find You

          amidst the noise,

          amidst the distractions,

          amidst the confusion,

          amidst the busyness of this life.

grant unto me, my God,

     that i might see beyond the immediate circumstances,

          to see Your Eternal movement

               and Your Divine and Loving will. 

grant unto me the Peace of Your presence,

     and the comfort of Holy Contentment.

grant that i might serve with gladness,

     in all things reaching out toward the God of Eternity,

          embracing the movement of my own spirit towards 

               Salvation and Redemption.

and grant unto me, Loving God,

     the humility of that same Love.  

an update of sorts.

there is so much that i wish i could tell you.  

over the past month or so, we have been making some progress.  we've been figuring things out a bit more.  i think we cleared the first major curve.  

tonight we had a meeting with Pastor Charles.  i don't call him Pastor Charles, just Charles, because he is my friend and because i do not like titles and because i do not want to be called Missionary Zack.  Charles shared with us about his vision for this ministry, the vision he had twelve years ago when he started.  he shared his thoughts on where things have gone and how they are going.  and he asked for help.  "i need help.  i am asking for help.  i am crying for help.  what can you do to help me?"

i got the chills just now writing that.  because for me, it was what i have been waiting for all of these past three months.  i did not come here to relax.  i did not come here to experience life in the third world.  i came here because the Gospel calls me to serve, to lay down my life for the Kingdom of Heaven, and because i felt the gentle voice of God telling me that this is where He wants for me to do that.  and i have long been tired of living for myself.  

but it has been hard.  most days, i still feel like i don't know what i'm doing, or that i can't do anything at all.  and even during this past month, since i have been given the responsibility of overseeing construction for the ministry, i have felt like actually performing that role is an impossibility.  and i felt alone in my efforts.  

there is nothing easy, nothing that lacks difficulty living here.  haiti is hard.  i have heard many people say how awful it is here, how frustrating, how discouraging, how this place will eat you.  but then there is always the refrain:  but it's worth it.  and i believe that it is too.

tonight we talked.  Charles was asking for help.  and by the grace of God we responded.  we shared our hearts, our thoughts, our vision, our hope.  we met in the place that God had arranged for us tonight.  and we have begun.  things are going to change.  

after our meeting with Charles, we sat down as a team to talk about what we had talked about.  we were all encouraged.  we talked about what our new roles would mean.  we talked about how different it will be to wake up each day with purpose, knowing what we should set out to do, where we fit in.  and we talked about money.  because with our new roles comes new need.  because we have been given authority and responsibility and opportunity.  and now we have to figure out how to make all of the things that we've been talking about a reality.  

i hope to write more later.  as i have said before, i do not really like writing about details.  but i want very much that you would be able to see into this place, to see the life that God has given us.  i would like for you to be able to see into this world, to see how the Gospel flows here. for now, i do ask for your prayers.  part of my new responsibility is to oversee construction.  this basically means to decide what to do and when and how to do it and to make sure that it is done well.  there is much to be done, and it certainly seems that nothing is ever done easily. so please pray for patience, and for wisdom, and that i would lead with Love, that i could be an example to these men of Godliness, that i would enjoy my work, that i could stop thinking about it all at night and go to sleep.  also, i will taking on most [all] of the responsibility of managing the campus here.  maybe i should have listened in my leadership management class.  

let us walk in Love . . .    

mission

i am supposed to be at a wedding.  american weddings overwhelm me.  so far, haitian ones do too.  jeremy and i came back to the house to wait it out for a while.  i am listening to iron and wine and reading from the alternative seminary website.  i like this:

[ we are Christians who believe in Jesus Christ as our Lord. we believe that Jesus proclaims and inaugurates the reign of God. we believe that the Gospel of Jesus embodies God's will for our world. we believe that our lives are to be committed to radical Christian discipleship.

we believe that the Church -- those who profess Jesus as Lord --is in its authentic form "ecclesia," "called out," a body distinct from culture and called to a mission of reconciliation, concern for the poor, and new understandings of power, justice, and community. we are concerned that the Church in this culture desperately needs to be revitalized. the institutional church has been largely co-opted by the values of this culture and has failed to be a radical presence true to the biblical spirit. we desire in some way, guided by the Holy Spirit, to revitalize the Church. ]

a small prayer.

O Great God, i am broken,

     and i am thankful.

i am so weak,

     and You are strong.

i am so blind,

     and You are Light.

i have made so many wrongs, and yet

     You are not afraid.

          You are not disheartened.

               You are not grieving.

rejoice, O my soul, in the Lord!

     your strength,

          your salvation!

may i live by Faith,

     walk in Hope,

          and shine with Love.

please, Conspire!

yes, Thanks.

[ when the grace has gone we no longer seek to reflect on it, because we realize that it belongs to another order of things, and that it will be in some sense debased by our reflecting on it.  such prayer desires no witness, even the witness of our own souls.  it seeks to keep itself entirely hidden in God. ]

                                                            - Thomas Merton   

i wish that i understood some things better.  for example, i wish that i understood the role of relationships in my life, in the spiritual life, in the life of the kingdom of heaven.  i wish that i better understood how to order my own life, how and when to be alone, to be silent, to seek solitude, and how and when to be with others, to speak, to seek community.  these past few weeks have been really beautiful, and my spirit has been enjoying inner peace and rest.  i have thought it better to at least try to be alone with God, to be content to be alone with Him, rather than always trying to maintain that flicker of connectedness with the people that i love and miss.  i have felt a fullness in the presence of God that has revealed to me what i see as the emptiness and deceptiveness of virtual connectedness with people.  

but today is Thanksgiving.  to many or most, it celebrates family and friends as much as anything else.  i suppose that is because, for most, family and friends are that which they are and will always be most thankful for.  i woke up thinking about these things.  and they are true. almost.  

i think that i will spend the rest of today thinking about what i am truly most thankful for, and how i might truly live a life of thankfulness.  and perhaps it is only because i am not with my family, and i am not with my friends; perhaps it is because of the ever-present feelings of loneliness and isolation, in varying degrees, that i always feel here. perhaps it is exactly because i believe that those feelings are gifts from God to draw me to Himself, to secure me in a life devoted to His love, devoted in thankfulness to Him, devoted to living in solitude with Him. but today, i am not able to think with such high thoughts of my family and friends, deeply loved as they are, deeply dear to me as they are.  and perhaps that is because i do not have them, and because God is pouring Himself into me, filling my heart and my mind with such high thoughts of Him, that i might thank Him, that i might worship Him, that i might be reminding of my life which is in Him.  

i do love you.  i do miss you, terribly.  i will be thinking of you today, with joy and maybe a few tears.  and i will be praying that your hearts would be captivated with true thankfulness, the kind that comes not from sentimentality, but from the Spirit of the Living God.  

learning, living, and searching for solitude.

it is raining now.  a tranquil end to a long, bustling day.  it hasn't been raining.  it has been dry.

we took a step out into independence today.  we claimed our little bit of responsibility, of authority.  and in the end, the decision came that we will now learn how to run the orphanage.  

we drove ourselves today.  i drove for nearly four hours across Port Au Prince and back.  we had some near disasters.  we had some recoveries. we made it home, not without difficulty, but safely.  

a few guys have been working on the water tower, laying blocks for the windows and plastering the walls.  hopefully i will have a new home soon.  

there is so much to learn.  

there is so much to live.  

a prayer for the moments.

grant that i might live beyond myself, O God.  

i am not living, unless i live only for You,

     unless i am living only to Love You.

guide me through the days in peace, O God of Light.

[blessed brokenness.]

unutterable things uttered.

[ the at present unutterable things we may find somewhere uttered. these same questions that disturb and puzzle and confound us have in their turn occurred to all the wise men; not one has been omitted; and each has answered them, according to his ability, by his words and his life. ]  

                                                                - henry david thoreau

st. marc

when i saw these buildings, i was reminded of my love and fascination for old buildings, wooden structures, beautiful in design, skillfully crafted, noble in endurance, no facade of newness.  i was reminded of the kind of man i want to be.  and i was reminded of Hope.  

constraint.

[ it is not good for man to be overly constrained.  the exercise of constraint is one that he must choose for himself, properly aligning the freedom of his own will to choose and the surrender of his own will to the will of God.  if man's will to choose is taken from him my means of constraint, he is not able to perform the mystical acts of surrender which encourage and strengthen the obedience of his faith. ]

unrelated note:  emotional exhaustion is well-combatted by Sufjan Steven's Songs for Christmas: volumes 1-5.  i'm getting into the spirit.  

Peace and Joy.

  

i feel small. 

i feel okay.  

save me from the waters, O God.  

save me from the noise.

take me to the edge of despair, O God, but keep me from it.

break me.  

heal me.  

Love me, that i might love You.   

an evening prayer.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done,

       on earth as it is in Heaven.

grant unto me, my God, a sober mind, 

     that i might see myself as i truly am, with humility.

grant unto me true faith,

     that i might see You as You truly are.

grant unto me a clear perspective,

     that i might see the world as it truly is.

grant unto me a prophetic vision,

     that i might see Your Kingdom on earth

               as it is in Heaven.  

grant that i may understand 

     the physical realities of life on earth,

     the mystical realities of the Kingdom of Heaven, 

     the collision of the two as Redemption is brought unto completion.  

be still and know that I am God

grant unto me, my God, that stillness, that silence,

     which trusts in You,

     which waits for You,

     which watches and listens for You.

grant unto me that humility

     which, like Christ, allows me to be still;

     which, like Christ, allows me to remain silent.

grant unto me that faith 

     which allows humility, stillness, and silence

               because it trusts firmly in Your truth, and in Your laws.

     that faith which leads me 

               to live by Your order,

               to trust in the reality of the Kingdom of Heaven:

     blessed are the poor . . . 

     the first shall be last

          and the last shall be first . . . 

     whoever loses his life shall find it . . . 

     whoever humbles himself shall be exalted . . .  

     the foolish things of this world shall confound the wise, 

          and the weak shall confound the mighty . . . 

a morning prayer.

 let the days pass.

    let the hours pass.

let me live in these moments with You, my God.

    grant that each might be to me as Eternity.

faith hope LOVE

[ therefore, if i trust in God's grace i must also show confidence in the natural powers He has given me, not because they are my powers but because they are His gift.  if i believe in God's grace, i must also take account of my own free will, without which His grace would be poured out upon my soul to no purpose.  if i believe that He can love me, i must also believe that i can love Him.  if i do not believe that i can love Him, then i do not believe Him who gave us the first commandment: "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart and thy whole mind and all thy strength, and thy neighbor as thyself." ]

                                                                 

everyday i question why i am here.  everyday i suffer some small guilt for not doing enough.  everyday i wonder how i can live in a place with so much need and yet sit as if i were crippled and do nothing.  and yet everyday God reminds me that all of my doings are worthless if they are not done for Him, if they are not done of the strength that He has given, if they are not done of a love for Him.  perhaps i came too early. perhaps i needed to learn to love first.  perhaps i needed to learn to trust.  

[ hope deprives us of everything that is not God, in order that all things may serve their true purpose as means to bring us to God. ]

i do not know why i am here.  i do not know what i should do.  i pray everyday that God would order my life wisely.  i pray everyday that He would show me what i ought to do.  some days He does.  some days i sit and wonder.  i have no more confidence than when i arrived.  i feel like i have only become more of a child.  but i have an ever-changing and slowly growing Faith.  i am learning to live by Hope.  and i am being redeemed by Love.  

movement.

everything is spiritual.  everything is either a movement towards or away from the glory of God, towards or away from the Kingdom of Heaven, towards or away from the Resurrection of Love and the Redemption of all things.  everything is a movement towards the life of the Spirit of the Living God, towards His love, His mercy, His goodness, His meekness, or it is a movement towards the spirit of the present age, the spirit of the world, the spirit of death and the Dying One.   

free!

the rain just started.  it's been a while since it rained during the day. today has been noticeably cooler.  i am still not that well.  we've been making bread for church tomorrow.  we decided to double the recipe to make it go faster.  but i don't have the energy to knead this much dough. the kids are playing inside.  they are so loud.  haitians tend to be loud. and even if no one is talking, there is always noise.  i like quiet.  i still have the book of common prayer out on the desk from this morning. still on the page where i opened it.  it has been that kind of day. morning prayer at 4.  i think my spirit reflects it right now.  i am not exactly blossoming peace.  

i did go over to the orphanage.  i was actually headed to the dorm because my stomach hurt, but you can't ignore those 12 little boys when they are screaming your name in unison, and some sort of melody.  i went over and got wound up and ended up chasing them around making growling noises and bearing my teeth.  the look on francois' face said, "you're a fool."  my stomach said, "i'm going to be sick."  but my heart said, "you're free."

i am trying to remember that these days, that i am free.  there is a song that i sang a lot for a while about being free.  it was a good reminder, and was one of the things that really helped me through some rough days.  

i'm free!  praise the Lord, i'm free!

no longer bound!  no more chains holding me!

my soul is resting!  it's such a blessing i see!

praise the Lord, Hallelujah, i'm free!

i haven't been singing it much lately.  i'm ashamed to admit that maybe it's because i had forgotten.  or at least (because i don't really think that we forget), i hadn't really trusted that i am free.  if you're honest with yourself, it's hard to sing when you don't believe what you're singing.  

my tea cup today says, "be still and know that i am God."  it doesn't say who said it, but it must have been a very wise person.  there really is something about stillness, something beautiful, something healing, and yet something that the powers of this world want so much to keep us from.  and i try really hard to be still.  i try very much to trust God with my moments and with my days.  i want to let them flow in ceaseless praise, as the hymn says.

i've got to be honest.  i feel like my thoughts are all over the place. there are some really beautiful things that i want to share, but i don't feel like i've been doing that well lately.  and i am always afraid that my cynical self will show, that my impatient, critical, prideful, unloving self will shine brighter than that tiny little light that seems to get buried so often.  but i really do still feel so much Hope.  i really do feel like God has been faithful, that He has been teaching me about His Gospel, that it is making its way down into my marrow.  i trust that i am a more loving person than i was when i came.  i trust that the Gospel shines brighter.  and so i write trusting that this small light will continue to shine, that you will see past my foolishness, past my pride, past my contrived words, and see the heart of Jesus Christ, who loves me and loves you and loves my new Haitian neighbors that i struggle so much to humble myself before.  but He loves us, and He is working beautifully among us, and His Kingdom is with us.  

i hope that you are well.  i hope that you are experiencing the peace and joy and hope of life in Jesus Christ.  or maybe you are only beginning to see little glimpses like i am, or even just beginning to look.  regardless, i eagerly hope that He will continue to shine all of His brightness upon you, that when you look up and see glory, you will know it is Him.  i love you.  if you didn't feel that the last time i was with you, i hope that you will next time.  i have great faith.  

may grace and peace be with you always, in Christ.  may you lose your life, and find it in Him.    

[  the truth we must love in loving our brothers is the concrete destiny and sanctity that are willed for them by the love of God.  one who really loves another is not merely moved by the desire to see him contented and healthy and prosperous in this world.  love cannot be satisfied with anything so incomplete.  if i am to love my brother, i must somehow enter deep into the mystery of God's love for him.  i must be moved not only by human sympathy but by that divine sympathy which is revealed to us in Jesus and which enriches our own lives by the outpouring of the Holy Spirit in our hearts . . .  the truth i must love in my brother is God Himself, living in him.  i must seek the life of the Spirit of God breathing in him.  and i can only discern and follow that mysterious life by the action of the same Holy Spirit living and acting in the depths of my own heart . . .  my love must be to them the "sacrament" of the mysterious and infinitely selfless love God has for them.  my love must be for them the minister not of my own spirit but of the Holy Spirit.  the words i speak to them must be no other than the words of Christ Who deigns to reveal Himself to them in me.  ]

                      

                                                                               - thomas merton

Father, grant that i might rest in this place today.

help me see my life rightly,

with eternal perspective.

grant that i might see through worldly circumstances and events,

to see the eternal,

to see through this world

and see Your Kingdom.

grant that i might see my life,

past, present, and future,

through the eyes of eternity.

grant unto me a Holy Asceticism,

that i might live rightly on this earth,

and live for Your Kingdom.  

shower me with You mercy, O God,

that i might accept Your love,

Your forgiveness.

grant unto me the Peace of Christ,

and the Joy of Salvation. 

grant that i might always be contented to love You alone,

and do all things in that Divine Charity.

Amen. 

send out Thy light and Thy truth, that they may lead me, and bring me unto Thy holy hill, and to Thy dwelling.    - psalm 43:3

Most Merciful God,

i confess that i have sinned against You

in thought, word, and deed, 

by what i have done,

and by what i have left undone.

i have not loved You with my whole heart;

i have not loved my neighbors as myself.

i am truly sorry and i humbly repent.

for the sake of Your Son Jesus Christ,

have mercy on me and forgive me;

that i may delight in Your  will,

and walk in Your ways,

to the glory of Your name.  Amen.

[ i have had a lot of time to think since i came here.  and i have thought more than usual about my past during these past few days.  being here, in a place where all that i knew of myself, the self that i had so painstakingly created, means very little, helps me get by very little, and having left the world that i had so earnestly sought to live in, has led me to reflect greatly on my life, and on parts of it that had been entirely untouched.  it feels as though recently i have given thought to just about anything and everything that i can remember.   i have reflected on most of the major relationships in my life over the past seven or eight years:  people that i have lived with, people that i have worked with, dating relationships, close friendships, family relationships . . .  there are far more than i realized.  and that reflection has led me to reflect on the vast sin in my life, as i have sinned against so many because of my pride, my arrogance, my rebellion and my disobedience.  i have realized that my sin has been not only against men, but it has been foremost against God.  i have not loved men with that Saintly Charity because i have not first loved God.  and i have not first loved God  because i have not first accepted His Love.  and thus i have sinned against Him, my Lord, my King, my Father, who has shown me such rich spiritual blessing.  but i have not trusted Him, have not fallen at His feet but have stood strong in my own confidence, have made my own way, have tried, in vain, to reach the kingdom of my own creation.  but it has all crumbled.  i feel now as if the weight of my sin has been piled on top of me.  but surely, as He has felled my castle and buried me in its rubble, He has begun thus to dig me out, to save me from its demise.  surely as its walls began to crumble, yea, i had already begun to see light. ]

Almighty God, have mercy on me, forgive me all my sins through my Lord Jesus Christ, strengthen me in all goodness, and by the power of Thy Holy Spirit keep me in eternal life.     Amen.

worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness:

come let us adore Him.

have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy lovingkindness: according to the multitude of Thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.  wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.  for i acknowledge me transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.  against Thee, Thee only, have i sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight . . .  make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which Thou hast broken may rejoice . . .  create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  cast me not away from Thy presence; and take not Thy Holy Spirit form me.  restore to me the joy of Thy salvation; and uphold me with Thy free Spirit . . .  O Lord, open Thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth Thy praise.  the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit:  a broken and contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.    - psalm 51

the Lord is glorious in His saints:

come let us adore Him.

hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. from the end of the earth 

will i cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock 

that is higher than i . . . O prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve[me]. - psalm 61:1,2,7

truly my soul waiteth upon God: from Him cometh my salvation . . .  my 

soul, wait thou only upon God; for me expectation is from Him.  

- psalm 62:1,5

O God, Thou art my God; early will i seek Thee: my soul thirsteth for 

Thee, my flesh longeth for Thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no 

water is; to see Thy power and Thy glory, so as i have seen Thee in the 

sanctuary. - psalm 63:1,2

dear friends.

today i am not feeling well.  i woke up with a slightly sore throat yesterday, and it became progressively worse.  last night i was sure i would become ill.  i drank tea.  i drank vitamins.  i prayed.  i went to bed early.

i woke up later than i wished.  i had to come over to the house to give charles some money for gas before he left for port au prince.  my throat seemed little better, but my body lacked energy.  still, i was glad to be awake, to be alive.  i went into the kitchen to make some tea and found myself doing dishes.  it was a familiar feeling.  

as i cleaned, my thoughts quickly went to my season in Tallahassee. this morning i was not upset to be doing dishes.  i felt as if God had brought me into the kitchen to be with Him, to give my hands work so that my spirit could pray.  i was pleased to clean up a mess that was not all my own.  i was pleased to know that another would not have to.  oh, how different from my thoughts one year ago while doing the same!  i began to think of how bitterly i lived in that beautiful house on Bronough Street.  i began to think of how selfishly i lived, how i always did my work with indignation.  and as i thought of how i lived, as i really began to see how little i loved, my heart began to feel that familiar sorrow that i have felt so often these past few months.  it is the sorrow of seeing your growth, and of realizing what a wretched place you have come from.  for me, it is the sorrow of feeling that i was given such opportunity, to love, to serve, to live with such wonderful people, and yet i did not love.  and when i served, because i did not serve in love, it was not true service.  

as i continued to think, my thoughts broadened into my season in tallahassee as a whole, and my sorrow began to be flooded with joy.  i love how even the hardest times of life are now only seen in the light of the Redemption that i am experiencing.  when i lived in tallahassee i did not often live with peace and hope.  but as i look back now on those days, i am overcome by peace and hope.  i see now the beauty in it all.  

i have spent much of my time this morning thinking of that season and thinking of my friends and family there.  it saddens me to think of how i missed so much.  but i am reminded that my life has always belonged to God, and that He has dealt rightly with me.  i am reminded that our Hope is not in this life, it is not in these places, dear as they may be. our Hope is in what will come, in the life that we have yet to know.  

still, we do live on this earth.  we do live this life, and i do believe that it is a gift.  i believe that it is full of sacred things, sacramental things, things of God.  i believe that in these days, by God's grace, we experience the Eternal.  oh, if only i had known!

today, i am not feeling well.  i am thankful that God has sent this homesickness, because it has helped me move beyond this moment.  it has brought me joy, and it has brought me hope.  now i pray that this joy and hope will strengthen me today, that i might accept this rest and be with God.  

dear friends, i love you.  dear friends, i miss you.  dear friends, i pray and hope and long eagerly for you.  may peace be with you.  may you experience the sacred, the sacramental, the Eternal.  may you love one another deeply, with the Charity of the Saints, the Love of Christ. together may you lose yourselves and find in one another the Beauty of Christ.  please forgive me.  please accept my love.

MendyLove.

i spent a lot of the evening with Mendylove.  we ate some chips and salsa.  we played the guitar.  we talked.  we took a nap.  it felt very fatherly for me.  i've always really loved kids.  and i've always loved spending time with them.  but for the most part, i've never done much other than play.  i never got into the babysitting thing.  

it's different with Mendylove though.  the situation necessitates we do a lot more than play with her.  and really, most times i think that we are in a bit over our heads.  

Mendylove is four years old.  she lives here at the house with us.  she's an orphan.  about two years ago both of her parents died.  we aren't sure how, but we are pretty sure they died just about the same time.  nobody at the church in her town would take her in, nor would her family, and so pastor charles and his family took her in.  over the past few years she has seen a number of different caretakers.  

when we first arrived here, Mendylove would spend hours each day sitting in a chair just outside the kitchen.  nobody knew why, but she was really shy, so we didn't make much of it.  when the orphanage opened, she spent a few weeks living there because pastor charles' family was living in port au prince, but Mendylove goes to school here. after charles' family moved back here about six weeks ago, Mendylove moved back in the house and we began to see some things that troubled us.  

it's really difficult for me to write about things here.  partly it is because i have teammates, and we all have blogs, and i think we all have to be careful about what we say.  we all see things with our own eyes, and we talk about things and try to be open and be on the same page, but we still have our own thoughts.  and i think that it would be a dangerous thing for us each to go writing about them publicly.  even good intentions can hurt and complicate.  also, there are a lot of people here, and i love them all very much, and i have a hard time distinguishing between what is appropriate to share about them and what might be slandering them.  there are some people that i don't like.  there are some people that i think are crazy.  but i don't want to disrespect them by creating a negative character of them in my little cyber story.  that said, the story might be choppy.  

things have been tough with Mendylove.  we all love her very much, and we care for her very much.  we all believe, to different degrees i suppose, that God has brought us here to love her, with His love.  i have said before that Haitian culture views children very differently that our own.  it views discipline very differently.  and i decided earlier this week that all of Haiti's problems go back to the fact that children are not held enough.  i do not believe that is true, but i think the statement sheds light on something that i see to be a very big problem.  and church folk seem to be little different.  

that being said, i think we all really struggled with the way we saw Mendylove being treated, and really being raised.  and i feel comfortable saying that i felt like she was not being loved well enough.  so we began trying to get to know her, trying to spend time with her, trying to love her.  and then we began to have some problems.  i won't get into them, because it has been all but a nightmare.  i will say that i think this situation has caused us much trouble in this community, that i am not sure of the extent that it has damaged our relationships with some important people here, and that maybe our reputation isn't the best right now.  i feel like some folks think we are causing trouble.  i really wish i could explain all of this to you.  

i have a lot of faith in God.  i really believe that He is love.  i believe that He is good.  i believe that he leads His children, that He protects them. i believe that His purposes are good, that His plans always prevail.  i don't know how all that works out, but i know that it means that i don't need to worry.  it means that i can trust Him.  so this whole thing honestly hasn't bothered me that much.  i know that God can take care of our sticky mess, that we can love Mendylove and love this community well, that the Gospel will be evident in our living.

we have learned some things about Mendylove recently that i want to share.  i want to share them so that you can pray for her precious little heart, and so that you can pray for ours.  and i want to share them because right now i feel like it is the best that i can do to help you understand where i am.  

Mendylove's parents believed in vodoo.  we think they practiced vodoo. we are not sure of anything, but we suspect that perhaps they made a deal with the devil.  i know that must sound absolutely ridiculous to you, and i am not sure if i really believe that it is possible, except that i know that adam and eve essentially did.  and it seems like the only explanation, unless you believe in coincidences.  what we have heard is that her parents died at the same time, that they did not want their children to become Christians, that they told someone (we are not sure if they told Mendylove directly) that if they became Christians that their spirits would come after them.  so Mendylove has had a pretty traumatic life so far.  she has very little stability.  and she lives in fear.  she has mentioned ghosts and spirits.  she has talked about what we would quickly call nightmares.  she sleeps on a mattress on the floor because she would fall out of bed. 

 

our hearts have broken for this precious little girl.  and we have tried our best to love her.  and i believe that we have.  and we have tried to defend her when we felt that we should.  we want to protect her.  and she has come to life since we have begun building our relationships with her. she shines.  and yet she is so afraid.  sometimes she is so sad. sometimes it is hard to believe her.  but we are trying.  we are trusting God.  we believe that He has brought us here to love the hurting, to proclaim the Gospel to the oppressed, to serve the brokenhearted.  to do what Christ did, and what He said to do.  Mendylove is not alone.  there are 12 amazing little boys living in an orphanage a stone's throw from our house whom we will never be able to spend enough time with, never be able to hold enough, never be able to love enough.  and there are students, adults, elderly folks, people in every stage of life, all needing to know the Hope of the Gospel.  

and so we try.  we pray, but not enough.  we talk, but not well.  we play. we hug.  we hold.  we laugh.  and we trust.  we trust that the Living God has led us here.  we trust the Christ lives in us, that the power of His Spirit is in us.  we Hope for Love.  we Hope for Peace.  we Hope for Redemption.

autumn life

it is easy to forget that this is a story, that God has a plan, that something is happening here, that there will be a climax.  there is resolution.

there is reason to hope.  every day.  every moment.  every thought.  we have something to hope in, someone to hope in.  true Hope.

i guess that there has been a lot going on lately.  a lot has changed in these past few weeks.  it seems that my life here is completely different. and with all of these changes i have been greatly encouraged.  i have felt great peace.  i know that God has been sustaining me in these days. He has been strengthening me.  but i also need work.  i need practice.  i do not yet have the foundation of inner solitude and peace.  i do not yet live completely out of faith and hope and love.  

i need rest.  

i need quiet.  

i need space.  

i need solitude.

i need to be able to think, to read, to meditate, to pray.  i need to be still and quiet without interruptions, without distractions.  i need order in my life.  i need discipline.  i want discipline!  i want order.  i want stillness and quiet.  i want to live in the Presence of God.  i want to love people, but i want to Love God!  i want to live for Him alone, to be captivated by Him, to be filled with the fullest delight, to be enamored by His beauty, His radiance, His glory.

it is still hot today, but something feels like autumn.  the color of the sky seems new.  the shade seems cool.  the birds have a new song.  life has a new feel.  i think that it is beautiful and symbolic that autumn, the season of falling, the season of dying things, allows me to experience so much life.  this new feeling has come at the end of a new, tiresome week.  and it has brought with it so much Hope and so much Peace.  

today we are making bread for church tomorrow.  and while we are doing so, i am thinking about the Bread of Life, the Son of the living God, who become nothing, that i might become the smallest something.  

in death we find life.  

in darkness we find illumination.  

in suffering, we find the healing of our souls.   

in the simplest things, we find the fullness of the Beauty of the Gospel.  

may we cling to Life. 

may we resist death.  

may we sing with Joy and cry with Hope.  

may we be broken with Christ and poured out with Love.

home for refugees.

life in Haiti is hard.  it is hard for those born here.  it is hard for those who come.  last night we talked about children's need of love, of affection, their need simply to be held.  i sometimes wonder if more of Haiti's problems lie more in that simple lacking than the lack of food or jobs.  can there be a greater necessity than for a child to be held?  my heart breaks.  

amidst the brokenness of this place, in its true poverty of spirit, and in every difficulty of its life, i have found great peace.  i am thankful for my temporary home here because in this poor soil my soul has come to life.  in the darkness i have seen true Light.  my soul rests in God because apart from Him there is no rest.  and in the face of the hate and hurt and brokenness and poverty i have seen the face of my Jesus, i have touched Him and held Him and served Him.  perhaps i have truly Loved Him for the first time.  

poverty is awful.  it is discouraging and saddening and angering and challenging in every way.  and it is true that poverty itself offers us no hope.  one thing, however, that poverty does offer us is Jesus, in whom alone there is Hope, in whom there is always Hope.  

[ run to the suffering if you love Him and worship Him there, that is where He is found; He is the home for refugees. ]

thank You, Dear Jesus, for sharing Your Joy with me.  may i not be afraid to live Your life. 

decency?

my heart is so heavy.  you know that.  you probably know that i am often discouraged, that i am often saddened by what i see around me.  i hope for justice and there is none, and it angers me.  i hope for kindness and compassion, and yet there is hatred, there is malice, there is contempt, there is fighting.  and you may have thought, with others, that i am living with a burden that i should not carry, a burden that Jesus took for me.  but i do not believe that.  i do not believe that Jesus carries the burdens of pain and sadness, the suffering of this life, for us.  i do believe that He died for us.  i do believe that He took away the burden of our sins, the penalty due to us being paid by His death.  but i adamantly deny any doctrine that says that Jesus died so i would not have to suffer.  Jesus did not die so that i would live a carefree life and become numb and blind to the suffering of this fallen world.  no, He died so that i might not perish with it.  He died so that Love might have life in me, that i might not be hardened by my own sin and the sin of the world around me and become blind to the suffering of this fallen world.  

yesterday i continued to see the brokenness that is everywhere around me.  i worked with a man who has no food for himself or his family, and though he has worked hard for three days now, he will not be paid for another three, and has no way of feeding his family.  and will they go hungry for three more days?  i don't know.  i talked to a woman whose husband i know and have worked with, and she was hungry, and they have no work.  and what should i say?  i am sorry that you are hungry.  but people back home give me money to be here and i have ample food.  in fact, i see food thrown away regularly.  

yet some seem to say, "what can i do?  i cannot feed everyone.  and besides, God has blessed my hard work."  that is absurd.  you who do not believe in good works, you think that God has given you material blessing for your works?  you who say we are still, even with the Spirit of Christ residing in us, we are still incapable of any good thing, and yet somehow you have received material blessing?  no!  God does not bless His children with the material riches of this world.  He blesses His children to share in the eternal riches of His Kingdom.  He blesses His children to share in the suffering of Christ, that they too might share in His resurrection for the dead.  and i would think that if you believe in God's Love, if you have any of His compassion and mercy, if you have any of the meekness of Christ, you would not say, "oh the world is a bad place, but thank God i have salvation, and thank God that He has blessed me.  woe to those sinners."  no, if the world is such an awful place, a decent person would do his or her best to make it better.  and Christians ought at least be decent people.  God have mercy on us for our doctrinal piety and for our outrageous claims to follow Christ without getting dust on our feet.  may God humble me first.  

iPhones and water

i simply feel that now that we've so utterly perfected the walkie-talkie to the point where it has become the iPhone, maybe we could turn the great minds that brought us the Nintendo Wii to, say, getting fresh water to the 1 billion people on our planet who don't have it.

                                    - colin beavan, author of  [no impact man]

for warmth

i hold my face between my two hands

                   no i am not crying

i hold my face between my two hands

          to keep my loneliness warm

                   two hands protecting

                   two hands nourishing

                   two hands to prevent

          my soul from leaving me 

                             in anger                          

                                    - thich nhat hanh

farm.

i would like to have a farm one day.  i would like to live a quiet life, to rise early in the peace of morning and put my hands to work, to let my spirit out to pray, to find myself connected to God in the mysteries of His Creation.  i would like to sow in silence and reap my harvest with adoration and thankfulness.  i would like to be nourished modestly by that which i know intimately, by that which i have thoughtfully considered.  i would like to be surrounded by humble creatures working the modest fields of redemption.  i would like to retire early to a quiet place free from the noise and glow of the technological world, a place wrapped in the warmth and familiarity of a worn body and a waking mind.  i would like my life to be illuminated by the flickering candle of Faith and Hope and Charity, and to give off the sweet aromas of Peace and Joy.

i would also like to be a pilgrim.    

disconfidence

i have to apologize, because i have done a poor job of sharing with you about my time here in haiti.  my mom told me that some of you have asked about things here, and i confess that even she cannot tell you much of the details.  and i am not sure why details are so difficult for me to communicate.  partly it is because of my romanticized view of writing, in which i desire to sound intelligent and philosophical and wise, none of which i am.  partly it is because i am a cynic and a pessimist, and i am aware of this, and i do not wish for you to see this.  i loath complaining, yet i am quite prone to it myself.  partly it is because i am too tired.  physically i am not often that tired.  but mentally and spiritually and emotionally, it feels as though i am always tired.  and i do not want for you to think that i am suffering greatly, because i am not.  haiti may be a poor place, but i am still rich.  it is just that this life is very different from the one that i am used to, and it is taking me quite a while to adjust, and when it comes time to write, i rarely feel confident to communicate the details of my life in a way that conveys joy or hope or peace or truth.  and also, most times i feel embarrassed by how little i really have to share.  the difficulties are numerous, though i still believe that they are blessings.  and the joys are so small that i often am afraid to try to share them, for fear that reason will convince me that they are too small to be joyous.  i do not believe that, and i eagerly hope for the confidence to soon share them with you.  

Holy Sadness

these past few days have been heavy with sorrow and sadness.  my heart is tired.  and though i wish that it were not so, i am not discouraged.  i am not frustrated or angry or anxious.  and though each conversation has seemed to take a little more out of me, and even the smallest statements seemed to be arrows at my fragile soul, each has been a blessing of its own.  because with each word has come more poverty of spirit, and i have been left with nothing but to seek the solace of Christ.  and He has gladly welcomed me, and assured me of Faith and Hope and Love.  He has assured me that His kingdom is not of this world, and that He is still choosing the foolish to shame the wise, and that to be His disciple, one must still lose his life and carry His cross. and He is reminding me that to cling to the ways of this world when one has beheld the glory of His life is the greatest folly of all.  

Godly sorrow leads to repentance.  Holy Sadness leads to insurmountable Joy.

perspective.

i have been given a beautiful new perspective during these past 30 some days.  i have had a good life, and i have much to be thankful for.  i have known a lot of great people and lived in some great places.  i have seen a lot of beauty and heard a lot of hope and beheld a lot of love.  i have endured a few struggles here in there, most of them less traumatic than i thought.  but i can say that after all that my life has been, brief as it may be, i look back on it all with great peace.  and at times, when i sit here having lost so much of it, longing for that life for which i was living with all my being, i am reminded of the life that i have been given, and the life that i have been promised, the life for which my spirit groans.

i do miss america.  i miss the beauty of its bohemians, the hope of its dissenters, and the strength of its sprawling landscapes that refuse to give in to the confines of man's tiny imagination.  i miss the hope of the kingdom that is rising amidst the rubble of its empire.  and i am reminded that hope is mysterious, that it is not anchored in people nor place nor idea, but in the Living Christ, the Hope of Redemption.

live boldly.  love irrationally.  don't be afraid to say no.  be less afraid to say Yes!  turn your back on lies.  challenge the powers that say you have no choice.  tell them you are willing to die, because you are already alive.  take back what is God's, and offer it to Him with joy.  

be still.  be poor.

love.

come to find out, maybe serving is always difficult.  maybe the most impacting love is also the most difficult to give.  surely if Christ's is the example of the greatest love, it is also the example of the most sacrificial.  so am i not also a fool to think that i can love greatly without sacrificing greatly?  am i not also a fool to think that i can love greatly without being humbled greatly?  may i always be reminded that Christ did not love in order that He might be glorified unto man, but unto God, and that so He might love the least He also become the least.  

love does not seek power, but gives up power, for it knows that power cannot exercise itself in love.  love does not seek authority, for love is more truly displayed in service than in authority.  love does not seek wealth, for to desire wealth is to love oneself more than thy neighbor.  and love is not defeated by the presence of hatred and violence or by the absence of compassion and mercy, but faithfully lives to illuminate such darkness.    

learning, loving, and being loved.

i am fool to think that i can do anything for the glory of God, or that i can change the world.  but i am just as much a fool to forget that God can do anything for His glory, and that He is, in fact, changing the world.  

i was a fool to think that i was going to come to haiti and be a part of some great thing.  but i was just as much a fool to forget that God does nothing without purpose, that God brought me here with a purpose, and that God has been, and will always be, bringing about redemption in my life, and the lives of everything around me.  

i came here to serve.  and i am trying to serve.  come to find out, sometimes serving is harder than you might think.  but i am learning, because God is teaching me.  and i am loving, because God is love in me.  and i am being loved, by God, by countless little orphan boys, by some very kind and gentle haitian people, and by one precious little haitian dog.  

in the midst of everything stands the loving-kindness of the Crucified.

[ O, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! 

      how unsearchable his judgments, 
      and his paths beyond tracing out! 
   "who has known the mind of the Lord? 
      or who has been his counselor?"
   "who has ever given to God, 
      that God should repay him?"
    for from him and through him and to him are all things. 
      to him be the glory forever! Amen. ]

Beauty.

yesterday we went to the mountains, and i was reminded of the Beauty of the spiritual life, the life of those who abandon themselves fully to the Love of God, to living in the Peace and Joy of His presence, and to Hope in Obedience and Faith.

[ let us walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. ]

peace and joy.

i have come to believe even more that joy is not happiness and that peace has so little to do with prosperity.  perhaps joy is that which sustains you in the midst of your greatest suffering, and peace is what gives you the strength to respond with hope in the midst of despair. perhaps peace is knowing that you are with God, and joy is knowing that Christ suffers with you.

trip

jay's brother elliott is planning a trip for december 15-22.  anyone is welcome.  do ask questions if you are interested.  i personally would love to have you with me for a time.

Joy!

I
i don't particularly enjoy trying to recount the details of life.  i have been an eager journaler for quite some time, yet rarely do i sit down and try to write about the specifics of my days.  i suppose that it is how my mind works, that i do not process information in such a fashion as to be able to write this way without much difficulty.  and most of the time i do not question whether i should attempt to operate differently.   for the most part, i feel all is well.

there have been times during these past few weeks, however, when i have wished greatly to be able to recall to mind the details of my days, that i might share them, that someone else might have a glimpse into this life that i have been given.

II
today has been rather quiet.  i have felt a growing conviction and desire in recent years to observe the Lord's Day as a day of rest and a day of peace.  i have often been troubled by the almost complete neglect of the Sacrament of Sabbath presently among Christians, and have begun to see what i can only describe as a tremendous dichotomy between Scripture's teaching on Sabbath and the reflection of this teaching in the lives of modern Christians.  and in transitioning into life in this very different culture, i have sensed that God has provided me with an opportunity to make a more ardent effort to observe Sabbath Rest and Sabbath Faith.

III
church was beautiful again today.  bobi was there again, and she was causing madanm menos quite a fuss.   it causes me tremendous grief, the way the haitian people generally treat animals.  i cannot understand how God's children, known and loved by God, given eyes to see the beauty and glory of His Creation, can treat with such contempt any of His cherished creatures.  but haitians in general seem to see animals in general as vile creatures, necessarily receiving all of the harshness and hatred that exists in man's power and authority.  it has been pointed out to me that it is in man's fallen nature to desire power, to seek authority, and in a land where most people feel largely powerless, it is understandable that people would seek that authority over whatever is "lower" than themselves.  i hear the explanation, thought i cannot understand it.   my heart breaks daily when i hear bobi's sudden helpless cries echoing throughout the house, simply because someone happened to have the fortune of coming upon her in a helpless position.  or when i hear the groans of a mule or bull clearly being overburdened or abused for not performing well enough. some are far worse than others, but there are few who appear to have even the slightest inkling of compassion or mercy.  and so madanm menos was having a fuss because bobi was trying to come near her, and she would not have it.

our friend ben, who is a missionary with the orthodox presbyterian church, and his family were with us today, and ben gave a beautiful sermon in church about suffering with Christ and what it means to become the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.  his words were beautiful to my ears, especially having felt, at times, quite discouraged by what appears here to be an absence of the humble servitude which Our Lord displayed and taught us to emulate.

IV
after church we sat around the table with ben and his family and pastor charles.  i didn't eat (tuna sandwiches) but somehow left the table feeling rather satisfied, and tried to thank God for the opportunity to be poor.  it was a beautiful day, and so i decided to take my book and sit out front in the shade and read.  my quiet moment did not last long, and i soon went over to the orphanage to sit out front and play checkers with alexander, charles' son and our friend.

madanm menos, who had a fuss with bobi during church, is the caregiver of the boys in the orphanage.   to me, she seems to be an okay caregiver and a terribly harsh disciplinarian. (might i mention that today in church, we think we heard that the orphanage may soon begin to house girls on the second floor, thus no longer being an all-boys orphanage.  that is joyful news to us all, but especially our lonesome diana, who is certainly due the company of a few more girls.  also our friend shannon will hopefully be joining us soon to help with the orphanage.) there is an adorable little boy named Sedrach who lives at the orphanage.  my american friends all call him crazy, which hurts my heart, because he is absolutely precious.  but i must admit, there must be something wrong with him.  he doesn't function like the other boys, and throws far more fits, and tends to be slightly, if not more, inappropriate.  my guess is that he has been severely abused, physically if not also sexually.  today, while alexander and i were playing checkers, one of the other boys ended up face first on the ground beneath the three foot dropoff in front of the orphanage. (the orphanage is built over an overflow stream bed, so there are stairs in the front and what looks kind of like a stage, three feet off the ground.  great for little boys.) he was hysterical, and the other boys immediately pointed to Sedrach.  so jay picked the screaming little boy up and took him inside, and alexander took Sedrach inside.  within seconds he began screaming terribly as madanm menos whipped him with a belt.  it was more than i could bear, and the thought of those children being disciplined so severely, with what seems like so little love, crushed my heart.  i lost that game of checkers.

V
this evening pastor charles fired his long-time security guard gito, whom we all love very much. we are not sure at all why he was fired, except that pastor charles says that he can no longer trust him and seems to think that he took advantage of his living situation.  i certainly cannot judge, but i cannot help but feel like gito has not been shown mercy, not the mercy that Christ has shown us, not the mercy that Christ has taught us that we ought to show others.  it seems like, again, justice has triumphed over mercy.  i can only ask God to allow me to trust Him, and continue to show me mercy.

VI
we went to church again this evening.  there were not very many people, but i thought that it was beautiful.  i did not have a hymnal, but i enjoyed humming along as best i could.  i think a few people thought i was a bit nutty, but i was overjoyed to be there, to lift my voice as i could to God.  God has shown me so much of the beauty of His Church, of our unity together, of the sacredness of His people gathering to worship Him with pure hearts. during the sermon Sedrach sat in my lap and wore my glasses and played with my watch, and it didn't matter that i couldn't understand what was said, because i felt as if i were holding Jesus.

VII
it is thundering, and i am reflecting on this Lord's Day while i wait for the rain.  i pray earnestly that you might know the joy that is in my heart, the joy that God has given me in faith, as love works itself deeper into my soul and releases me to have the fullness of this life with Christ. i pray that we might have His peace always, that His mercies might be multiplied greatly, and that we might all be made rich in the poverty of Our Lord Jesus Christ.  to Him be all glory and honor and praise!

Solace is an old woman.

today has been long.  time has, on more than one occasion, seemed to be suspended overhead, almost mockingly so.  "look at me!  i am time, and i am not moving."  no, time, you aren't moving.  the stillness of time has been one of the least welcome realities these first few weeks. because another reality is that certain things will only happen with the passage of time, and i would really like for some of those things to happen quickly.  familiarity always comes slowly. i still move about my new home with timidity.  though, despite some complaints, i have found faithful Solace in the kitchen.  she is a homely old woman with dirt under her fingernails and a fetid rag over her shoulder, but she moves slowly and always welcomes company.  tonight we visited as i tidied up from dinner and enjoyed the coming of the night's storm.   

yesterday diana asked me if i ever get frustrated about learning creole.  i said that i don't and proceeded to tell her why.  i had already thought about it, because i have been able to tell that the others are frustrated.  i told her that we have not been here long, and i don't really expect to learn quickly.  i said also that learning creole is not really my highest priority.  i would really like to know creole, and it is hard not being able to communicate, but i feel like there are other important things to focus on, too.  for one, i believe that my time with God is more important than anything, because if i am not living my days in His presence i have nothing.  i will not be able to learn creole.  i will not be able to love or to serve.  also, i have just thought that God has a plan for us, and learning creole is a part of that plan, i am sure, but the rest is not and cannot be contingent on that.  i have wondered if for some reason we were to leave in a week or two or even longer, would we have had any impact here? and i thought that if i spend all of my time trying to learn creole, surely i won't have any impact.  but if i can trust that things will take shape in time, and try to focus on being here, on learning to live here, learning to love and to serve, then surely i will learn creole, and surely Christ's light will shine.  

i read a lot today.  if you are willing to read my words, i hope that you will more eagerly read these:

[ God never tied man's salvation to any pattern of life. . . .  so one must be permeated with the divine Presence, informed with the form of the beloved God who is within him, so that he may radiate that Presence without working at it. . . .

you will never hear an obedient person saying: "i want it so and so; i must have this or that."  you will hear only of utter denial of self. . . . "Lord, give me nothing but what Thou wilt and dost - Lord, what and how Thou wilt in every detail". . . .

a pure heart is one that is unencumbered, unworried, uncommitted, and which does not want its own way about anything but which, rather, is submerged in the loving will of God, having denied self. . . .

there can be no restlessness unless it come from self-will. . . .  when you are thwarted, it is your own attitude that is out of order. . . .  if you do not first get away from self, then whatever else you get away from you will still find obstacles and restlessness. . . .  let everyone begin by denying self and in so doing he will have denied all else. . . .  "to give up your little bit willingly is to give up not this alone but all that worldly people seek after, indeed all they could possibly desire". . . .  for what you do not desire you let go, and let go for the sake of God.  thus our Lord says: "blessed are the poor in spirit" - that is, [those devoid] of will and there should be no doubt that if there is a better way, the Lord would have mentioned it. . . .

know that no man in this life ever gave up so much that he could not find something else to let go. . . .  to the extent that you eliminate self from your activities, God comes into them - but not more and no less. . . people ought not to consider so much what they are to do as what they are;  let them but be good and their ways and deeds will shine brightly. . . .  do not think that saintliness comes from occupation; it depends rather on what one is. . . .  thus take care that your emphasis is laid on being good and not on the number or kind of thing to be done. . . .

everything comes to him who truly comes to God, bringing all divinity with it, while all that is strange and alien flies away. . . . ]

                        

                      - excerpts from the talks of instruction, meister eckhart

i intended to mention some things that i hope you could be praying for, but i now feel a loss of words.  perhaps you could pray for continued peace, and a quiet mind (i have yet to experience), and insurmountable joy.  

thank you for loving me.  i feel it right now.  would you give my mother a hug?

grace and peace to you in Christ our Lord, our Joy and our Hope.

faith hope love

[ all things are possible to him who believes,

    they are less difficult to him who hopes,

       they are easier to him who loves,

  and still more easy to him who practices and perseveres

                                in these three virtues.                                   ]

                                                    - brother lawrence

i wonder why we have given up the pursuit of virtue.  why have we stopped asking God that we might be virtuous?  we could be saints, if only we believed.  we could be saints, if only we practiced.  but we have contented ourselves with far less than saintliness.  we have counted the cost, and the cost is too great.  we have believed the lie that following Jesus is easy, and so we have thrown out the difficult.  we have made idols of our freedom, and so have scorned all rules.  but it has not always been so.  there have been many men and women who shouted, "no!  i will not believe the lies.  i will not be seduced by this world.  i will not settle for a mediocre faith.  surely i would rather die and be with my Lord.  surely i must live and die with my Lord."  and i believe that there are still those men and women, and that their voices are still heard.  and also is that voice still heard, which biddeth, come, abide in me.  and do we abide?

a swollen river and loneliness.

the river has grown today.  i think that it is angry about being confined to such a narrow space.  and it seems to be a darker brown than usual.  jeremy and i were out earlier and noticed they had already locked the gates up tight and propped bars up against them in the back.  i wonder if they are worried.  i guess all of the rain from the mountains over this past week has finally made its way down to the valley.

the sound is noticeably louder up here in the guest room.  it is loud enough to drown out all of the typical evening village noises, although people might just be bunkering down for the night.  but i keep imagining myself sitting in a cabin on a river in the woods of north carolina or tennessee.  and it makes me sad that i didn't bring any wendell berry books with me.  but it is a nice sentiment to help take the edge off of the loneliness that arrived this morning.  i am sure that i will dream well tonight.

[bathe in the river of peace.]

legliz.

we walked to church this morning.  we arrived toward the end of sunday school, which is really just the first half of the service but more interactive and less formal.  it was nice to walk to church.  i love not being in cars.  

bobi came to church.  she slept through the sermon.  the chickens came too.  their voices were lovely, especially during the songs, and were a beautiful reminder that God doesn't care if we know the words.  He just wants to hear us sing.  

the boys made it over from the orphanage a little late.  but they came smiling, and were very orderly in finding their seats.  most of them sat next to us, and on our laps, and we held them and thanked Jesus for His love, and for His Church.  

if i could truly explain, you may not truly understand.  

were i to speak, you may not hear.

O God of peace, rend my heart, that i might no longer be torn between the gods of this world and You, the Almighty, the Everlasting.  set me apart, that my affections would no longer be stirred by the things of this world.  show me, O Lord, the fullness of detachment.  grant that i might not be deceived, that lies would not prevent me from hearing Your truth, from following Your ways.  may nothing from the mouth of this world ever keep me from believing and obeying Your Word.  if i am to err, grant that i might do so in taking Your Word too literally, rather than risk taking it too figuratively.  

[ O Lord my God, make me

        submissive without protest,

        poor without discouragement,

        chaste without regret,

        patient without complaint,

        humble without posturing,

        cheerful without frivolity,

        mature without gloom,

        and quick-witted without flippancy. ]

                                         - st. thomas aquinas

[ God often permits that we should suffer a little to purify our souls and oblige us to continue with Him.]

                                                                                 - brother lawrence

          

the Spirit of Prayer

[ reading is good, hearing is good, conversation and meditation are good; but then, they are only good at times and occasions, in a certain degree, and must be used and governed with such caution as we eat and drink, and refresh ourselves, or they will bring forth in us the fruits of intemperance. but the Spirit of Prayer is for all times and occasions; it is a lamp that is to be always burning, a light to be ever shining: everything calls for it; everything is to be done in it, and governed by it, because it is and means and wills nothing else but the whole totality of the soul, not doing this or that, but wholly, incessantly given up to God to be where and what and how He pleases. ]                                                                                                                                                 -william law

streams of mercy, rivers of peace

i almost forgot that today is wednesday.  that means that i have been in haiti for one week.  and i know it might sound weak, but i feel like that is quite an accomplishment.  not necessarily that i have been here for a week, but that i have been here, and that i have been okay.  i am okay.

i have wanted to live outside of the US for a pretty long time.  i have often felt like that was what i was really waiting for, that was my goal.  every decision i made was made in light of the hope that i would soon be leaving.  but when i decided to move here, to haiti, out of the US, i realized that my hope of leaving was more of a dream.  i am not sure that i ever really thought that it would happen.  and so when i began preparing (my mind really was all) to come here, it made me a little anxious.  

it is not really uncommon for me to be anxious.  it is actually quite common for me to be quite anxious.  i am not really sure about the history of my anxiety, and it isn't a medical condition or anything, but i think that i started being anxious during my senior year of high school.  which, coincidentally (or not) is when i think that i started actually growing spiritually.  i could spend hours talking about anxiety, but i won't.  it would probably make me anxious.  (that's kind of a joke.)  enough to say, for quite some time now i have been characteristically anxious.

it is raining.  i really like it when it rains here.  it has rained for the past three or four nights, most of the night i think.  i like the sound of the rain and the sound the river makes outside my window as it plays in it.  i like the cool breeze that it brings and the feeling that i am being washed.  but i am also reminded that for some, the rain brings fear.  for some, the sound of the river swelling outside their window is anything but soothing.  and i am reminded that i am safe, and that i have always been safe.  i most likely will always be.  

i think that explains a lot of how i have felt lately.  

we have a dog named bobi and a cat that is white and orangish and small.  i love them both very much, and they are thankful for my love.  sometimes i get the feeling that they have known more love in the past week than they have in the rest of their lives.  i don't think haiti is a gentle place for animals.  the four of us are home alone tonight, in this big house that is a fortress.  our friend menos came to lock us in earlier.  i think that they might be worried about us.  but i had to open the door a while ago.  i was planning on letting bobi and the cat spend the night with us, but when i went down to the kitchen to boil some water for drinking (we ran out of purified water, and propane, and diesel for the generator, and dish soap) i caught bobi in the trash.  she ran up to me while at the same time trying to cower to the floor, and it really broke my heart, because i know that she is used to abuse.  bobi is not used to mercy.  

i think that explains a lot of how i have felt lately, also.

i am okay.  i have been here for one week, and for one week i have not been anxious.  i have spent my entire life in a familiar land, one of comfort, one of security, and have rarely known peace.  and now i have been here, an alien in a strange land, and i seem only to feel peace.  and i suppose that God is only confirming what i have suspected for so long.  

[my Kingdom is not of this world.]

the General Thanksgiving

Almighty God, Father of all mercies,

we Your unworthy servants give You humble thanks

for all Your goodness and loving-kindness

to us and to all whom You have made.

we bless You for our creation, preservation,

and all the blessings of this life;

but above all for Your immeasurable love

in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ;

for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory.

and, we pray, give us such an awareness of Your mercies,

that with truly thankful hearts we may show forth your praise,

not only with our lips, but in our lives,

by giving up ourselves to Your service,

and by walking before You 

in holiness and righteousness all our days;

through Jesus Christ our Lord,

to whom, with You and the Holy Spirit,

be honor and glory throughout all ages.  Amen.

in the dark, the light shone brightly on us.

i don't know where to begin.  i have far too many things running through my head right now.  chronological order seems rather difficult.  order of importance too.  i am sitting at my desk right now, which is one of those short plastic folding tables that every church has an abundance of.  we only have a few here, and one of them is my desk.  i feel honored.  

thankfully, jeremy doesn't make much use of desks, which is good for me, because i do.  i am already pretty attached to this one.  i moved the lamp, our only source of light, from the night-stand to the desk so that i could still read and write at night.  i was afraid that i might keep jeremy up at night as i tend to stay up a bit later than he does, but it doesn't seem to bother him.  and he says he is a slob, but i don't mind, as long as his slobbishness doesn't encroach on the desk.  we share the guest-room, which is much nicer than jay and diana's room.  the bed is more comfortable.  the curtains are white and lacy.  the lamp turns off when you touch it.  and the river flows rather closely by our window, so the background noise is always pleasant.  to be honest, i have struggled to get over my preconceptions and stop feeling guilty.  maybe i can move into the shack in a few months.  for now, i am safe, and certainly comfortable enough.  

this weekend has been incredible.  i badly wish that i could share in detail everything that i have experienced, but neither of us has the time.  but there is that saying about something beyond your wildest dreams or something, and i don't really remember my dreams much, but i think that applies here.  

yesterday afternoon we went to port au prince to buy food.  pastor charles' brother drove (like a crazy person, even for a haitian) and his son alexander and some cousins came with us.  they are all wonderful, and we had a great time.  the journey was long, and after stopping to get our american dollars exchanged for haitian gouds, we made it to the caribbean market, which is really a quite fancy grocery store (not quite a publix) with a lot of import stuff.  it almost felt like home.  so we did our shopping and headed out.  it was raining, and our groceries took space in the truck, so five of us had to ride in the back.  it was raining, which doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was pouring, and within about three seconds i was freezing.  we were all freezing.  so we started making our way through port au prince, haitians laughing all the way...  i hate to leave out all the details, but we eventually made it home.  our crazy driver hit a ditch-size pothole on the national highway going about 60, and we blew a tire.  turns out we were lucky, because it's not really a great place to get a flat, especially at night, especially with four white people with a lot of money in my pocket.  but we survived.  didn't get robbed, didn't die of hypothermia.  

as we were driving out of the city, i was sitting with my back against the truck, looking out over the side of the bed.  it was pretty dark and raining pretty heavily.  but as i watched the rain drops falling in the light from the car behind us, with the face of a few haitians in my periphery, shacks and folks lining the streets, i kept thinking that i felt really alive.  it's hard to explain, but i just kept thinking, wow, God, you brought me here, and i am really wet and really cold and really uncomfortable, but there is nowhere that i would rather be right now than in the back of this truck with my two american and six haitian brothers.  thank You.  

so we made it home.  there was a giant piece of bone in the stew, so i had some rice for dinner, and eventually went to bed feeling strangely satisfied.  this morning we woke up and headed back to port au prince with our new friends the kopps, who are from canada.  eh?  they don't actually say that.  they do say aboot.  they also have american greencards.  they have been in haiti for two years now.  ben is a pastor in the orthodox presbyterian church and is working mostly on a big island called lago nav.  they live about 30 minutes north of us.  they took us to pastor charles' brother's church where ben preached.  i felt pretty crummy this morning, and it was very hot, and when you feel crummy and it is hot and church is slow and in french and creole, i think you tend to not like it.  i did, in fact, not like it.  but that's okay.  i made it through and shortly after decided that i could stay in haiti, and we made our way to the kopps' house.  which is amazing.  and which is very close to a beach resort.  which, after a wonderful vegetarian lasagna lunch (ben was very sweet to tell heather that i don't eat meat, and heather was very sweet to not tell me to get over it) we headed to the beach.  we swam, got stung by jellyfishes, played soccer, and swam some more.  it was really wonderful to get to spend the day with them, and to hear about living in haiti from the perspective of a foreigner.  they loved us well, and shared much knowledge and wisdom.  we are all very thankful for our new friends.  

when we arrived back at the mission around 5:30, we were overjoyed to see a group of children playing games and singing.  our first four orphans had arrived and the children from the village that go to the church had gathered to welcome them.  it was so wonderful, so beautiful.  as i walked up, some of the children called and welcomed me and wanted to hold my hand and sit on my lap and touch my ears and beg me to throw them in the air or swing them around or hold them.  and i felt love.  and so much joy.  and so, so much hope.

after a while, we all went over in front of the orphanage for an inauguration ceremony.  pastor charles' wife and pastor gabriel (who pastors the church here at the mission) spoke.  i have no clue what they said, except for a lot of stuff about children and God.  then they took the four boys into the orphanage and gave them snacks, and then we partied.  sortof.  

i can't tell you how amazing it was to see those boys walk into the orphanage.  i can't tell you what my heart felt.  and i can't explain to you now all about the orphanage and the orphans and the mission.  but i can tell you that i am supposed to be here.  i was supposed to be here today.  and God-willing i will be here tomorrow.  

thank you, from the depths of my heart.  and thank You, Father of Life, Father to orphans.  

here are some pictures.  they aren't good, but they'll give you an idea.